Now you tell me if this isn't the fucking best, finest written intro the fucking FINEST sci-fi epic novel you've ever heard. I worked for years on this bad boy so please don't take the piss. If you knew in what detail I've studied, concepts like  and similes, that the eggheads never seem to notice. funny that eh?

Anyway, you tell me if this isn't good, you fucking tell me. I'd love to hear it. Because those eggheads at Harpen Collins, DON'T seem to understand. How to tell a person. WHY their work isn't good enough, or up to their petty f*cking "standards"... Anyway... here's where the tale begins...

   Jane Muon leapt like a sabertooth across a blue beam. It was made of metal; everything is made of metal. The glum moonlight cracked the clouds and draped the glow of drone lights. It was in a city. Jane was insouciant because she had just pulled off the biggest heist in her dreams; wakened thought of herself asleep and went off to find a hammer. In the four corners of the district were four cops, one at each tower. They received word from an aerial aimed voice like a wild duck quacking "Jane is on the way to a crime. Get her." There was only one person named Jane.
    Jane found a hammer under a car and went down to the lower level. It had a window on one wall, the north. It was covered in bricks. As she stepped out of the elevator a vehicle crept, freezing the cyberrogue like a deer. Jane started moving again after it left. Jane walked to the north and broke a panel with her hammer. An alarm started as she threw the hammer at an eyebot at maximum cleanliness. The remaining eyebots observed as one of the cops opened a hatch in the southeastern end and jogged up the ramp on the east side, becoming even with Jane in 5 seconds. It shot a missile at her. The missile destroyed her with success. The cop spun around to the southeastern entrance where Jane respawned. She sprinted back up the stairs and jumped out a visored window, landing in a helicopter piloted by her boyfriend.
    Jane said "That was a close call." Dane Gluon said "Just in time." Jane said "I only have three lives left. I need to get some 1-ups." Dane said "I think I know where you can get some 1-ups." Jane said "Oh yeah? Where?" Dane said "The Matrix."

The entire manuscript clocks in at 180,000 pages so I'm having difficulty uploading it without my sucky internert croaking. Anyway... enjoy. If you write fanfic of my universe I'll come to your house and kill you.

I see this constantly on social media feeds for real though, people self publish on Amazon or whatever and spam the ever living shit outta their horribly written, corny sci-fi tropeish books.

It was really irritating me, really get on my nerves because I’m lit OCD and would read them then be like; FUCK MY EYES

I kind of wrote one as a joke, similar to what you did.

In mine I put a lot of different things into it and take the tropes and sci-fi themes then make fun of them.


Also, like; the overly descriptive kind of trailing writing method.

I took that shit out, just carved the fuck outta it. I vaguely describe things and let the reader imagine them.

It’s cheating I know but fuck that. That’s why I could never read Stephen king, he goes on and on and on and I’m like shut the fuck up dude I get it; it’s a car, where’s the dog already!

This is the intro to mine; it’s a whole ass book now. But I think it conveys the basic gist of what I’m doing with it:

Kinder Cosmic: Episode 1

“On the Outskirts of Everything...”

Sometime in the near future; SETI has captured a strange, indecipherable signal originating from within deep space.

Somewhere just beyond the reaches of the Kuiper belt, the signal is far too complex and embedded with rhythmic patterns to be a force of nature. For months scientists and astronomers have mulled over the signal superimposing it on spectrographs, using advanced computer systems and data processing equipment to try to discern what it might mean exactly.

None succeed; though a few things are determined: the signal is infact of alien origin and distinct images recovered from it take the very same shape of a mysterious hieroglyph found throughout various ancient structures and texts.

In conjunction with NASA; the United States Space Force plans a mission into deep space to determine the source of the mysterious signal.

In charge of this mission is the young captain Luna Valentina; her mission statement: first find whether or not the source of the signal itself is a product of extraterrestrial, intelligent life. If so; serve as a representative of earth to establish communication and diplomatic relations with any newfound intelligent life.

After many months of travel throughout deep space on an extensive, dangerous, and daring mission of "space odyssey" like proportions of which there will be no great detail; because it's actually rather boring and not quite relevant to this story.

Captain Luna and her crew find themselves arriving at their mysterious destination...

Loosely orbiting around the kuiper belt is what looks to be a small dwarf planet, on closer inspection the crew realizes that this celestial object isn't really a planet at all but rather a large comet that's been retrofitted as a small colony, a habitable satellite of sorts.

Peppered along it’s surface are small dome-like objects and other structures of a technological origin, illuminated by low level blue lighting.

The crew quickly comes to a consensus that this must be the source of the mysterious signal, so they begin preparations for landing to meet earth’s potential newfound neighbors.

Serving as a diplomatic liaison; Luna boards the vessel’s lander to meet the small colonies natives, if they’re still around.

As the lander touches ground and Luna steps onto the colony’s surface; off in the distance she spots a figure moving towards her coming from the direction of one of the domes.

From the short distance of the lander’s position Luna can barely make out the appearance of the small, lanky, shadowy figure walking towards her. And as the figure approaches it's features become easier and easier to perceive in the dim lighting of the colony and the space lander’s floodlights.

The being she sees before her can best be described as a "grey" alien; about 5ft in height, it’s anatomical structure and facial features are humanoid in nature. It's body composition, although smaller and thinner than your average human appears more in common with that of an anemic adolescent than some of the more detailed historical sightings of greys throughout history.

All the while as the mysterious creature approaches the human astronaut; it can be seen flicking it's head from side to side and waving it's arms periodically, making audible "groaning" noises and muttering in an indesipherable dialect.

The creature finally approaches, then pauses before Luna and starts speaking in a language not understood by man.

Luna stares back at the creature in a bemused wonder.

The small alien holds up a single, extended digit then starts fiddling with a piece of technology fitted around it's neck.

Alien: "hold on"

She can hear the words spoken by the grey alien as it continues fiddling with the piece of equipment fitted around it’s neck.

Alien: "There....had to set my translator to "water-head monkey"”.

Luna can now hear the words spoken by the creature with an unfettered clarity as it continues to speak:

Alien: "WHAT!?!?"

Captain Luna steps forward towards the alien and introduces herself.

Luna: Greetings on behalf of the planet earth! I am Captain Luna, what’s your name?

To which the creature responds snidely:

Alien: Name? We don't have "names" those are a human construct; attributed to the need to feel important, individual, a false sense of security in one's own identity. When really not a one of you are all that different from the next...

Luna stares at the creature blankly, taken aback as the first words spoken between the two species did not go quite the way she had anticipated.

Luna: Well then.....what should I call you?

Alien: I'm the one that lost at the game of "rock, paper, scissors"...

The human astronaut had quickly begun to realize that the small alien standing before her was not amused or impressed by her show of hospitality.

Luna: Then how about this? Since you're the first representative of your kind that Ive met, could I call you "alpha"?

Alpha: I don't give a shit...

The alien glances at the lander planted on the colonies surface, standing behind her.

Alpha: What do you want?

And so Luna tells him of earth’s astronomers, how they found an alien signal emitting from the Kuiper Belt and followed it.

As she continues speaking she can feel a sense of irritation overtake the creature as it uses one hand to massage it’s cranium.

Once she finishes speaking Alpha quickly turns back towards the dome from which he came and yells into the darkness as if speaking to another.

Alpha: "SHIT! Jorg! Turn off that audio transmitter!"

Luna can hear a commotion off in the distance as another voice yells back from within the structure.

Jorg: Awww maaaan! But my favorite songs playin...

Alpha: "TURN THAT BULLSHIT OFF THEY FOUND US!"

Luna watches in astonishment as the two voices bicker before her, the treble of their voices trailing off into the darkness of space. Then suddenly she hears a series of banging, rattling, and smashing sounds as another figure stumbles and staggers it’s way outside of the dome.

This alien looks alot like Alpha but is slightly shorter and of a stockier build.

Jorg: I'M HIGH AS FU-

As the little alien staggers out of a nearby dome with a crystalline powder residue all over his face. Luna can’t quite help but feel like the little grey casts a shadow and commotion much larger than himself.

He freezes mid-step, looks at the human quizzically, rubs his eyes and then cocks his head to the side as if trying to reconcile the image standing before him.

While Jorg stares the human he staggers backwards then leans forward and squints at her keenly:

Jorg: .....Is it real?

Alpha: Yes Jorg, it's real...

Alphas eyes lock with those of the human astronaut.

Alpha: Alright, what's it going to take?

Luna: Excuse me?

Alpha steadies himself with a sense of stern, dispassionate composure and speaks once more:

Alpha: What am I gonna have to give you in order for you to get your soft, oily, pale ass off my cosmic porch? To go back to pretending you're an evolutionary fluke, a one in a trillion chance of life forming within this universe and that we never even existed?

Luna listens with her mouth agape and at a loss for words because her training prepared her for any potential outcome...except this one.

Luna: But....why?

Alpha: Because the last thing I ever wanted to deal with when I woke up this solar cycle was you people and your bullshit.

Luna shrugs and holds both her arms out plaintively in response:

Alpha: Do you really think that we weren't already perfectly aware of your existence? Aeons ago, after countless failed attempts to educate and enlighten the failed evolutionary experiment that is mankind we just gave the entire ordeal up because you people are a lost cause.

Luna stares back pitifully as Alpha continues:

Alpha: You’re genetically predispositioned to ruin everything you touch, including yourselves and especially each other. We decided long ago to leave your kind on your own in the boonies of the galaxy, all in your own sandbox entertaining yourselves like the slow kid in daycare that likes to bite.

Luna looks at Alpha with a renewed sense of determination, she left the earth seeking answers and she was intent on finding them:

Luna: I came all this way...could you atleast answer a few questions?

Alpha: If it'll get you to fuckoff, then yes.

Luna: We found these hieroglyphs carved in a strange, unrecognized language on the Egyptian pyramids. They also accompanied the signal emitted by your “audio transmitter”.

She holds up various photocopies of the symbols in question.

Luna: What do they mean?

Alpha glances at the prints of the hieroglyphs momentarily and then glares towards Jorg, visibly annoyed.

Alpha: What did I tell you?

Jorg: But it's my signature...

Alpha: I TOLD YOU THAT WORTHLESS "BANKSY SHIT" WAS GONNA COME BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS!

Jorg: You can't put a value on fine art...

*Alpha snatches a print of the hieroglyphs from the human and looks down at it once more.

Alpha: That "fine art" isn't even spelled correctly, dumbass.

Luna interjects, eagerly seeking to understand the context of the esoteric in joke.

Luna: What does it say??

Alpha answers flatly

Alpha: "Jorg wuz hear"

Luna giggles to herself quietly, quickly composing herself once more to petition Alpha.

Luna: We also found a chamber beneath the sphinx with one of those same hieroglyphs carved into the side of one of it's paws.

Alpha speaks confusedly

Alpha: What's a sphinx?

Luna: A half lion, half man ancient statue.

Alphas look of confusion turns to one of humor as he begins to chuckle to himself

Alpha: oh shit! That's still there?

Luna: What's ins-

Alpha: Don't worry about it.

Luna questions further as Alpha interrupts her line of questioning.

Meanwhile, Jorg is squatting near a large flat stone pillar with a small crystal in hand, smashing it into powder with a rock.

He pauses, then looks Luna straight into her eyes, grins mischievously and quickly slams his face into the powdery residue formed of the smashed crystals as he inhales deeply breathing in the dust of the crystals through his little nose holes.

Jorg: OOOOooooooaaaaahhhh!

The little alien then looks towards Alpha and speaks once more:

Jorg: By the way you know we're all outta exocrystals? Gonna have to go to Earth and re-up soon...

Alpha: SHUT UP JORG!

Luna perks up quizzically towards Alpha’s loss of composure and obviously thwarted attempt at secrecy.

Luna: You didn’t....

Alpha glances towards Jorg sitting on his rocky stump snickering obnoxiously.

Luna: YOU PUT SPACE DR-

Alpha: DON'T TOUCH IT!

Alpha retorts belligerently

Luna: But-

Alpha: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Luna completely undeterred continues to interrogate the mischievous little aliens.

Luna: So the legendary "Hall of records" is actually just an alien drug stash?

Jorg suddenly erupts with laughter falling off of his rocky stoop as Alpha looks away grinning shyly, Jorg can be seen rolling on the ground in a cloud of space dust.

Jorg: HALL OF RECORDS! AAAAHAHAHA!

Alpha: .......No?

Alpha responds to the questioning barely able to contain his own laughter.

Luna: .......

Luna stares at the two blankly; shaking her head, utterly unimpressed.

Jorg continues to roll over the satellite’s surface while laughing maniacally as the dust is kicked up, then settles around his little body which is still kicking and chuckling loudly.

Jorg: AAAAHAHAHAHA!

After a few moments Alpha interjects solemnly.

Alpha: In all seriousness; why are you here? What do you want?

To which Luna answers repeating aloud her mission statement once more:

Luna: "To further scientific understanding and discovery of extraterrestrial life within our shared universe.”

Alpha laughs aloud bitterly and speaks with condescension:

Alpha: Fuck are you people? The Galactic Federation??

Luna stares back blankly, unresponsive to Alphas jest. Alpha groans to himself loudly once more:

Alpha: Star Trek?

Luna just stares back blankly and shrugs her shoulders unknowingly.

Alpha: Well, you found us! Congratulations! You can go home now...

Luna responds completely undeterred:

Luna: But my second mission statement is to initiate interplanetary trade and diplomatic relations; if possible. With any newfound intelligent sentient life...

Alpha: That isn't really a decision I can make on my own. You have to....er...speak to the....

*Alpha coughs aloud

To the..um...to the elder...

Luna: The who??

Jorg interrupts matter of factly:

Jorg: He means his mother, you've gotta ask his mom first.

Alpha: SHUT UP JORG!

Alpha quips in embarrassment and frustration

Luna glares at both the juvenile aliens standing before her, unamused and speaks with a form of condescension all her own:

Luna: You mean to tell me you two aren't even adults? You've got to ask your mommy before communicating with another species??

Alpha: HEY SMARTASS, I'M OVER TEN THOUSAND YEARS  OLD! I've watched entire civilizations rise and fall in a span of time which to you would seem like an eternity but for me is no different than motherfuckin brunch at Denny's.

Alpha quips defiantly

Luna: Then where is she? Your mother?

Alpha: "Her"

Luna: What? I need to speak with the elder, your mom. On behalf of humanity.

Alpha: You can't....

Luna: ........why not?

Luna answers with a tone of impatient frustration

*Jorg snickers quietly to himself

Jorg: can I tell her?

Alpha: Shut up, Jorg...

Alpha answers without a seconds hesitation.

Alpha: Because my mother is in the midst of an epoch long process of intimate cosmic renewal and rebirth, gathering energy and matter coursing throughout the universe and birthing new stars. Her language, her very existence is one beyond the capacity of understanding for lower life forms such as yourself.

The little alien proudly states with an air of entitlement in his words

Luna: I don't understand...

Luna declares in confusion as Jorg snickers once again

Jorg: What he means is; his mom is a "Starfucker".

Jorg explains matter of factly as Alphas impatience flares once again.

Alpha: FUCK YOU JORG! I told you to quit calling her that. A thing that encompasses the very fabric of this reality cannot be summed up with such a crude oversimplification.

Besides, that song sucks. The Beatles were better...

Jorg: The Beatles were better...

Luna: The Beatles WERE better...

The three declare in agreement as Jorg petitions Alpha once more about his mother.

Jorg: It's true though, everybody calls your mom a "starfucker". She's really hot too...

*Jorg points a trembling finger at Luna as his little voice booms with a foreboding tone.

Jorg: FULL OF SUPERHEATED GASSES AND COSMIC RADIATION THAT WILL BREAK YOUR ASS DOWN ON A MO-LECUL-AR LEVEL!

As Luna stares at the eccentric little alien in confused amusement, she comes to a realization.

Luna: Wait a minute....your mother is the pillar of existence? A great cosmic cloud that births new stars?

Alpha: "are"
Alpha interjects knowingly

Luna: .....

Alpha: is that what you call her?

Luna: Then how do I talk to her?

Luna petitions to Alpha once more

Alpha: ........I can facilitate communication but I really don't wanna.

Luna: Please do...

Luna pleads to Alpha compassionately

Alpha: FINE!

Alpha concedes and resolves to fulfill Luna’s request

Alpha mutters to himself : shit.....

Alpha: hold on a minute...

*The little alien closes his eyes entering a trance like state as he starts to levitate off of the ground for a few moments, giving off a multicolored aura then settles back onto the ground and looks at captain Luna knowingly with an air of newfound wisdom.

Luna: Well? What did she say?

Alpha: In your common parlance it would sound something like: "WHHOOOOSSSH!"

Luna looks back at the alien in a state of confusion that has now become second nature since meeting the two.

Luna: And what does that mean exactly??

*Both the aliens look at each other, back at Luna and then shrug unknowingly in unison.

Luna: GODDAMNIT!

I also remember those Wu-tang fanfics that a few people used to write and were written ironically

But they were soooooo fucking good

Hilarious

I wish some folks sat down and made a comic book out of em.

Like, it’d probably end up like starship troopers being a satire that nobody would get and sell like hot cakes because of WU TANG but that’d just make it even funnier

You're too kind - it started as very serious baroque scifi, then I lost confidence after a couple of sentences and started joking. If it's readable as a serious story I'll take another crack at it. Thanks for the response. HEAR THAT HARPEN COLLINS?
 
Mope, Alpha needs one of those shirts that says "You laugh at me because I'm different. I'm laugh at you because you're all the same." but with a three-eyed smiley face. Captain Kirk would've cowboyed his ass. He was lucky to meet the comparatively inexperienced Valentina.

You're too kind - it started as very serious baroque scifi, then I lost confidence after a couple of sentences and started joking. If it's readable as a serious story I'll take another crack at it. Thanks for the response. HEAR THAT HARPEN COLLINS?

Mope, Alpha needs one of those shirts that says "You laugh at me because I'm different. I'm laugh at you because you're all the same." but with a three-eyed smiley face. Captain Kirk would've cowboyed his ass. He was lucky to meet the comparatively inexperienced Valentina.

He actually wears a fedora, an overcoat, and one of those gimmicky t-shirts that says “I’m with stupid” accompanied by an arrow that points towards the nearest human that he and Jorg stole outta donation bins at a goodwill.

Jorg wears a pair of orange coveralls, a bandanna, and a pair of air Jordan’s that help him “Jump really, really high and catch that fadeaway so he can play bball like Stephen Curry”

Like; Alpha is a sneering kinda condescending intellectual I loosely modeled after early/mid 2000s nerd hipsters.

But instead of him being a video game or music niche supremacist all of that condescension and ire is aimed at misanthropy

Jorg is pretty much a characterization of my own mania. Like if I could take it all and put it into a singular person.

He’s crazy, impulsive, nonsensical, energetic and childlike but has an underlying kind of genius or clairvoyance.

Throughout the story Jorg kind of breaches the 4th wall in that he will do or say things in a humorous/spontaneous kind of context that directly foretells or describes unfolding events.

I really like Jorg. I like them both but he’s my favorite.

Alpha has this kind of bitter and jaded yet ignorant pretentiousness and he’s very funny, I also use him to SAY THINGS or speak profundities within the context of the story.

But Jorg…Jorg is special.

I really like what I’ve done with them. It’s kind of ruining some of the ending but I used a lot of ancient aliens conspiracy theories to tell the story and create this historical timeline of these aliens.

Jorg is actually also known as “The Prophet Moses” because he and alpha inadvertently freed the Jews after running across them and deciding that the Egyptians were “fucking fascists” then upending their whole society because “Jorg hates slavery”

You find out that Roswell was the result of an extraterrestrial DWI incident involving Jorg and his space ship

That Terrance McKenna actually met with Jorg by happenstance in an indigenous peoples longhouse in the Amazon and took “the trip of his life” after inhaling some of Jorg’s exocrystals thus becoming the legendary psychonaught and botanist

That Jorg caused the European “Dark Ages” after running out of his crystals and then getting sexually assaulted by a heavily intoxicated Viking berserker and summarily “losing his shit”

And all throughout these stories I paint alpha as this incredibly bitter and Jaded, hate filled ancient alien.

Yet there are other things; you find out he really isn’t ALL that bad. That he’s actually a very impassioned kind of socially progressive revolutionary.

And that he and Jorg have had this kind of unrequited relationship with humanity; that it’s more of a product of inner turmoil, trauma, disappointment, personal responsibility and failures than outright HATE that makes them the way they are.

You find out at the end that Alpha during the height of his heartfelt humanitarianism actually served as the inspirations and teachings behind Jesus Christ and Christianity.

But in a more realistic sense; with all the divinity and dogma kind of gutted out. He was just trying to enlighten and uplift humanity and that inevitably spiraled into a “sick shit little cult”

So this story unfolds in layers and layers; I introduce more characters.

Parodies of different historical or cult figures. Few different alien characters. Jorg’s dog; a genetically engineered pit bull puppy named Alf which is like my second favorite character.

As the first book unfolds Alf is really presented as an average puppy. But as it goes and goes he ends up being put through the “death of the ego” by unfolding events. A kind of forced spirit quest.

I use Alf to kind of articulate and personify the shared altruistic nature between dogs and humans. Now, in the story; he’s still a dog but he has a certain level of heightened awareness and I think I figured out a way to articulate that pretty well.

With Alf I kind of tried to epitomize the “path of the hero” or of a messianic figure. Alf witnesses and feels first hand the gravity and importance of his own nature, his evolutionary path.

Then he decides it is his “responsibility” to foster and protect that nature. To serve humanity and in turn serve himself. It’s his “religion” in a way.

And afterwards, after these stories unfold Alf has his own kind of ambition, drive, and perception that the other characters don’t fully see. He’s a little fucking hero.

But in a puppy dog kind of way.

I really, really like it. Everyone that’s read it has liked it so far.

It’s stupid and fun but it’s SUPPOSED to be. And I talk about lots of different things in a indirect, anthropomorphized and fun kinda way.

I finished a whole books worth so far. Like; it’s a series of five interlaced and layered stories that are written like compounded short stories.

It’s all finished and I really like it, usually I’m like you and criticize the fuck outta what I write but I tried to articulate in a different kinda way and I really like it.

I started another book and finished the first story. I built up Alf’s narrative a lot in it, it’s really good I think and as I go on I’m gonna do the same with each character throughout.

For instance one of the new stories is gonna be called “The Ballad of Jorg”

It’s a love story but a very unconventional one. Jorg is dealing with a certain recent traumatic experience, wandering around the streets of New Orleans getting shitty on his crystals when he comes across another kind of alien.

Her names “Maria”, I think that’s what I’ve settled on. And as he’s wandering this city going on an everlasting binge I paint the atmosphere and the mood with the song “Super Stupid” by Funkadelic

Which is so fucking perfect for this character

So he’s smashing these crystals on a bar top with a shot glass in a drug induced haze while the song echoes and reverberates throughout his mind.

His head spinning in circles and his eyes squinted

Lyrics: SUPER STUPID BOUGHT A NICKEL BAG!
THOUGHT IT WAS COKE, BUT IT WAS SKAG!
SUPER STUPID DID A ONE AND ONE!
THEN HIS EYES BEGAN TO WATER, HIS NOSE BEGAN TO RUN!
OH! SUPER STUPID WITH YOUR UPS AND DOWNS
YOUR MAGGOT BRAIN, YOuR GRINS AND FROWNS!
SUPER STUPID YOU'RE HERE TODAY
YOU'VE LOST THE FIGHT AND THE WINNER IS FEAR!

Jorg: Did-did-did did-um
Did-did-did did-um

*Jorg bobs his head from side to side

Jorg: Did-did-did did-um
Did-did-did did-um!

Bar patron: What….what the hell is that little alien doing!?

Bartender: I..I have no fucking clue…

He meets and falls in love with Maria, who is a Muse. A type of ancient alien with an evolutionary camouflage. She appears to any that see her as their deepest desire.

When I thought up the character I kind of wanted to encapsulate a kind of flamboyantly overcharacterized experience of a beautiful and charismatic young woman.

Someone thoroughly damaged by possessiveness and the kind of objectification that comes with it.

She’s pissy, fed up, has no patience and DONT NEED NO MAN TO TAKE CARE OF HER

She’s a little fucking firecracker and she’s funny but Jorg is completely enthralled by her and all her dysfunction.

I also started doing this thing I call shorts, or one offs.

They are little, self sustained stories involving my characters that you don’t really HAVE to read the whole book to get. Yet if you do or really either way it helps add character depth.

I did one on Jorg watching too much “Batman” and posing as an irreverent vigilante we know as “The Mothman”

It’s called: “He’s the Moffman, Boogie-Woogie!”

Another one about the infamous WOW! signal actually being Jorg playing with Alphas audio emitter and dancing to the tune of ABBAS “dancing queen”

And a more recent one about Maria’s experiences with humanity throughout time.

From being sought and fought over as “Helen of Troy” to being the inspiration for the Mona Lisa by da Vinci who Maria calls: “A fuckin’ narcissist, to being tried as a witch in Salem.

It’s all written to the song “So fast, So maybe” by K Flay and it’s sooooooo, soooo good and fucking funny to me.