Gaming World Forums
General Category => Entertainment and Media => Topic started by: Allen Hunter on August 09, 2009, 07:12:18 am
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1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath — always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influence.
3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boy band. This is non-negotiable.
4. When conducting interviews always say the words “@#%$”, “fag”, and “@#%$.”
5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
6. Pay them $50 to mention the word “metal” in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band — i.e., Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest “Ross” beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word “gay” when referring to anything you don´t like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of “bass-snare, bass-snare” drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a “Best Bass Player Award”, make sure that they…
14. …are female or…
15. …use the “slap and pop” playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along…
18. …jump up and down…
19. …put their hands in the air…
20. …flash their middle-fingers…
21. …and be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member…
25. …has been previously arrested…
26. …drinks beer…
27. …or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with “kicks ass”.
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either “sucks dick,” or “@#%$ sucks ass.”
32. Pretend that you´ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold…
32. …your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn´t work…
33. …donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
36. Your pants must be three times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say “shiznit.”
38. Say “tight as @#%$” whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent — but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When preparing for an interview with Kurt Loder or Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back “metal” from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single Ozzfest tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O´Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it’s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how “depressed” you are — i.e. Staind
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that´s bald…
53. …or has a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance — i.e. “its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!”
61. Insert the word “@#%$” in the middle of two words — i.e. “I like coco-@#%$-nut.”
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a “Best Guitar Player” award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the “heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time.”
68. Read #67 but add more of the word “@#%$” as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word “@#%$” on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious “tough-as-nails” bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how “bad-ass” you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else´s sound — don´t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered the “masters” of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band “sell-outs,” reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you´re being compared to is one of your musical influences or….
75. …its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you´re a closet case.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room — go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can´t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a “scene”.
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company — and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans – DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying “you never spent time enough with your kids”.
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you´ve never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is “metal” at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you´re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming “that´s not true! that´s not true!” over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single – instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
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I did not write those. They were copied from another site.
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I did not write those. They were copied from another site.
I believe you.
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yeah nu-metal sucks thats common sense but regular metal isn't good either and the very few decent metal bands out there are too far between so I really don't know what you're trying to point out with this.
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50. Close your eyes when singing to show how “depressed” you are
Ahahhahha, what the fuck!
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73. When kids start calling your band “sell-outs,” reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well.
ahaha this is the dumbest thing
edit: this whole thing is the dumbest thing this is just one of the only ones i read and it was amazing
will you be posting the 101 rules of anime next btw
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does nu metal even exist anymore?
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80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
nu metalers wash their sneakers more often then i do
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sneaker washing is something that only happens when you trek through a bunch of mud in them
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ahaha this is the dumbest thing
edit: this whole thing is the dumbest thing this is just one of the only ones i read and it was amazing
will you be posting the 101 rules of anime next btw
Sure. :)
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Why did you post this? Nu metal hasnt even mattered for like, 5 years.
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yeah nu-metal sucks thats common sense but regular metal isn't good either and the very few decent metal bands out there are too far between so I really don't know what you're trying to point out with this.
wat u listen 2
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It fucking matters. It FUCKING matters.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
lol
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7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band
post-modern metal
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regular metal isn't good either
You suck. At life.
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Why did you post this? Nu metal hasnt even mattered for like, 5 years.
Mall-tards still listen to this junk travesty. They consider Korn, Disturbed, Linkin Park, and Slipknot as "TR00 BRVT@1 /\/\3T@1" bands, but they're just wanna-be rockstars who rap, which causes the mall-tards to have sweaty buttsex to their shit music.
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pot calling the kettle black
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Mall-tards still listen to this junk travesty. They consider Korn, Disturbed, Linkin Park, and Slipknot as "TR00 BRVT@1 /\/\3T@1" bands, but they're just wanna-be rockstars who rap, which causes the mall-tards to have sweaty buttsex to their shit music.
That fad died a long time ago, the current fad is metalcore/indie/rap
BTW ever noticed how a lot of bands of any kind sounds exactly like the others in the genre? I think that's quite funny
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*makes fun of nu-metal while blatantly ignoring the fact that 99% of the rest of metal is equally as terrible*
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99% of anything is terrible
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even if that is the case no one is more picky about genres than metal fans
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Allen Hunter - fighting for the rights of 'true' metal since 1999
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Mall-tards still listen to this junk travesty. They consider Korn, Disturbed, Linkin Park, and Slipknot as "TR00 BRVT@1 /\/\3T@1" bands, but they're just wanna-be rockstars who rap, which causes the mall-tards to have sweaty buttsex to their shit music.
there's a lot of weird stuff here
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That fad died a long time ago, the current fad is metalcore/indie/rap
BTW ever noticed how a lot of bands of any kind sounds exactly like the others in the genre? I think that's quite funny
It depends on how well you know a band. Many of them develop their own style and sound eventually.
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*makes fun of nu-metal while blatantly ignoring the fact that 99% of the rest of metal is equally as terrible*
Dunno about that. Most rock bands outside the nu-metal genre work much harder than they do with songwriting and sound style.
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hey what kind of music do you listen to?
"nu-metal"
i don't get it. if you asked me what genre disturbed or korn was in i would say metal.
who even cares about these genres jesus
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Distured IS still good. And popular. And I only found maybe 3 or 4 things out of 101 that I would say they fit into.
Really any generalzation of anything is going to be pretty dumb. Saying all of Nu-Metal is bad is like saying that all Pop is bad or all Rap is bad. It's opinion. I listen to pretty much every type of music. I have my favorite genres but I also know that good music is good music and it doesn't matter who is doing it or what they label themselves as.
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This list doesn't make sense to me but I only listen to one "nu-metal" band which is the one with the In Flames vocalist and that isn't even straight up nu-metal... it's like melodeath/nu-metal hybrid.
I saw one of these lists a while ago for progressive metal and it was much funnier (maybe only because it makes sense to me).
EDIT: okay here it is
1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!
EDIT AGAIN: okay it's not THAT funny but #13 made me lol
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even if that is the case no one is more picky about genres than metal fans
maybe not picky is just that metal fans are just more annoying
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I like my music like I like my women
dark, heavy, and loud as FUCK
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allen hunter, i think you should really go back to ultimate guitar and discuss Rock 'n' Roll's Greatest Guitar God and leave gw alone
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allen hunter, i think you should really go back to ultimate guitar and discuss Rock 'n' Roll's Greatest Guitar God and leave gw alone
i think he's more appropriate for posting in the comments section on blabbermouth stories
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I have my favorite genres but I also know that good music is good music and it doesn't matter who is doing it or what they label themselves as.
This is funny coming from you
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f**k ur metal!!!!!!!!!!!!! metal fuckin' sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what an idiot.................
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Man, that this thread is even alive and with many members postings really shows to what point GW has reached to.
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what happened to those heated DT vs. maiden debates?
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what happened to those heated DT vs. maiden debates?
save these from the archive
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Yeah most metal fans are really anal about genres but I find many jazz cats to be pretty much the same. Every genre has its own extremely annoying stereotype anyways. And yes, 99% of everything is completely garbage. Most popular metal bands are pretty terrible but if you actually take the time to get to know the genre you can really find some awesome gems in there. There's currently two trends although they kinda overlap each other. There's core (metalcore, deathcore and now there's supposedly blackcore) and then soulless technical bands. It's fun to note that many core bands try to be technical but just completely fail at it or it has no feeling whatsoever.
And about lists, I prefer the NWOBHM and doom metal lists a lot funnier than this one.
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I'd lock this but I now lack that ability......
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So earler this week, I was at the mall to pick up a few shirts. I strolled into F.Y.E. at some point and was perusing the selection of Exodus albums when these scene kids walked by (four or five of them) through the metal section acting like their taste wasn't as shitty as it was-pointing out Megadeth and Slayer, trying to make sure that I heard them (they were trying to act as non-scene as possible-I guess they thought I would get on their cases). However, I didn't give a shit until this happened...
*scene girl from the aforementioned group* (to me) - "Hey, I like your vest"
*me* - "Oh, yeah. Thanks."
*scene girl* - "Do you like Job For A Cowboy?"
*me* - "Honestly, no."
*scene girl* "Aww, I like them." (noticing my headphones) - "What are you listening to?"
*me* - "Darkthrone."
*scene girl* - "Who are they?"
*me* - They're a black metal band from Europe.
*scene girl* - "Ooh! I heard a black metal band last week! Ever heard Cradle Of Filth?"
Now, ordinarily I would have turned and left. However, this is not the first time I have heard a similar mistake uttered by an unwitting scenester. Now, I am not huge on black metal - I like maybe a dozen black metal bands all around - but this was UNFORGIVABLE. Suddenly, corpse paint began to ooze from the pores on my face, a baseball bat full of industrial nails manifested in my hand, I let out a rasping screech and proceeded to remove the face from her skull, satisfying my Transilvanian Hunger with Vlad Tepes music playing in the background.
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99% of anything is terrible
This made me laugh. Bravo.
Also, many people consider System of a Down Nu-Metal. (though, they themselves don't consider themselves to be) I really like System and Tankian's solo stuff. does this mean I like Nu-Metal?
Actually I like Korn to an extent and Disturbed is ok. so yeah I guess I like Nu-Metal. :P
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And about lists, I prefer the NWOBHM and doom metal lists a lot funnier than this one.
101 Rules of NWOBHM
1. The more obscure the better
2. Hearing Metallica's cover of "Am I Evil?" does not make you a NWOBHM fan
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
5. Constantly complain that Thrash "killed off" NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like "the best genre of music, ever." Make sure they still don't understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after "Killers" is not NWOBHM
8. Complain that Iron Maiden "stole" Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
9. Dress like you're from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
11. Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
12. When forming your own NWOBHM "tribute" band, record your album in the key of A
13. In fact, record your whole career in A
14. Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight"
15. Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from "Welcome to Hell" by Venom anyway
16. Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
17. Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll...
18. And the Devil
19. Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you're Venom)
20. You're not Venom and never will be
21. Bad production values are a MUST, if it's highly produced, it's not NWOBHM
22. Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
23. Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
24. Constantly complain that band X "should've made it big"
25. Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
26. Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can't keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
27. Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
28. Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
30. Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band...
31. But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden...
32. And you can't afford to move there...
33. Nor would you want to because then you wouldn't be NWOBHM
34. Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
35. Only sign with small independent record companies...
36. Or Neat
37. Brian Ross is your idol
38. Anything past 1986 isn't real metal....
39. Unless it's a NWOBHM reunion
40. Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y's) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
41. Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
42. Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
43. Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they're better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
44. NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
45. When recording your "live" album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
46. Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
47. Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it'll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
48. Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
49. High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
50. Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
51. Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to...
52. It'll probably be the drummer anyway
53. Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM...
54. But they're pretty kickass nonetheless
55. To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren't born in the 60s/70s...
56. They'd probably never find out anyway
57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
58. Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head's glory...
59. Even though they played together on at least one occasion
60. Lars Ulrich is an ass
61. Barry "Thuderstick" Graham isn't
62. Track down all of Bruce Dickinson's early recordings with Speed, Xero etc...
63. Even though they are pretty average at best
64. In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey....
65. Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E...
66. Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A...
67. The A-side is intended to get "recognized"
68. Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
69. Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it's okay
70. There's much more to Holocaust than just "The Small Hours" but their version was better than Metallica's
71. Their version of "Master of Puppets" is also better than Metallica's
72. Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
73. Twin guitars are a must, this is essential...
74. Unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
75. Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until "finding" them again, release them as "The Complete Anthology"
76. Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them "you can look but not touch"...
77. No, you haven't listened to them either.
78. The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible...
79. You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
80. Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM...
81. Even if they are self titled and Killers
82. Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print "second album"
83. Realize it's crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
84. Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band's best work, this is unarguable
85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?
86. Venom's debut IS their best work, period
87. And possibly the worst produced album, ever
88. Re-release all your albums "remastered" with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
89. Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
90. Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
91. Don't sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
92. Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
93. Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
94. To preserve your legacy, DON'T record an album, just singles, demos and EP's, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame...
95. After that see rule 75
96. Record all your material in your front room or garage
97. Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
98. Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey...
99. Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
100. Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
101. Don't take this list too seriously
#51, #75, and #84 are so very true.
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57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
lots of bands are obscure for a reason, just sayin'
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lots of bands are obscure for a reason, just sayin'
The thing with NWOBHM is that there really was a crapload of bands and everything was in small print so for someone to find those albums today it's extremely hard. Yeah there's a lot of crap in the wave but there's also some really good bands.
"You have nothing in common with me
you think old-school is 1993
ha! I've been a thrasher since '84
almost nothing sounds true anymore
I've made my own code
sold my soul to Manilla Road
modern metal I don't give a fuck
UH! I was raised on rock
It went plastic in '94
oh my god you're such a bore
if you don't understand what I mean
fucking listen to Venom's "Acid Queen"
I've made my own code
sold my soul to Manilla Road
modern metal I don't give a fuck
UH! I was raised on rock
[Solo]
raised on rock!"
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murder the infidels. rape, pillage, and murder them all!
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Kill Em All - Metalicka
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Hey.
Even if this is a shitty copy-pasted topic it doesn't help when you whine at the topic maker for NOT GETTING GW RARGHWG GET LOST BITCH!!
If the topic generates discussion that's cool. If it doesn't it'll die on its own.
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I liked metal before there were hyphens.
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REAL METAL RULES:
1. Don't talk to girls.
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REAL METAL RULES:
1. Don't talk to girls.
Considering that ladies have been in the metal scene for a long time... eeeeehhh ya not true dude. Don't you remember Girl School?
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Considering that ladies have been in the metal scene for a long time... eeeeehhh ya not true dude. Don't you remember Girl School?
Right now, I'm listening to the song "Bomber" and remembering how great they all were/still are, but it's too bad their guitarist died of cancer.
Plus, there were numerous girl bands emerging from the 70s-80s, such as Vixen, The Runaways, Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Femme Fatale, Lita Ford, etc., so I don't think that rule applies anymore since metal/rock scenes stopped always being about the macho men-only groups, for a LONG time.
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Considering that ladies have been in the metal scene for a long time... eeeeehhh ya not true dude. Don't you remember Girl School?
no because i have a life
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no because i have a life
It's not like they're remotely obscure btw... they were pretty much tagging along with Motorhead. And stop lying, you have no life
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i also don't listen to shit like motorhead
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REAL METAL RULES:
1. Don't talk to girls.
2. dress like you're 13 and just discovered hot topic
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i also don't listen to shit like motorhead
It's fine to not listen to them (I actually dislike Motorhead, Girlschool and most of the bands affiliated with them) but it's another knowing who they are. You're more into prog if I remember correctly right?
REAL METAL RULES
3. Say you hate Dani Filth but secretly try to be like him
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4. always have long hair down to the asscrack
5. don't brush it
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6. always be libertarian or some sort of ultra conservative politically.
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7. must be incapable of pronouncing the name of any metal band with more than two syllables in its name
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8. must be incapable of pronouncing anything with more than two syllables
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Girls don't listen to real metal. If you're in it for the ladies, you better be a tight jeans wearing metalcore fan. I've met people that do this solely for the ladies.
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Girls don't listen to real metal. If you're in it for the ladies, you better be a tight jeans wearing metalcore fan. I've met people that do this solely for the ladies.
I've hard this so many times which I find rather weird. Here in Montreal black metal and pagan metal are pretty popular with the ladies into metal. And I'm not talking Dimmu Borgir black metal. The Norwegian remains the most popular though. But we do have a pretty damn big metal scene here especially for black metal so that might be the reason.
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black metal? pagan metal? nu metal? prog metal? wtf is going on?
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I've seen a band proclaiming to be post-polka metal.
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true scottish pirate metal (http://www.myspace.com/alestorm)
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(https://legacy.gamingw.net/pub/26992/last.png)
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9. Must be a white guy with acne who constantly listens to his headphones so everyone knows he likes music
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10. Must drink bourbon
11. Must only wear band t-shirts so that everyone knows what bands you think are cool
12. Must pretend to be open minded about music and say you like opera, jazz and classic rock. You only say these genres because these are genres metal musicians often say effected their music.
13. Must judge other types of music because they aren't fast
14. Must think your music is superior to all others, although you never listen to the ridiculous lyrics.
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15. regularly say that you hate country and rap. say country + rap = crap for bonus points.
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16. Must pretend to think gothic girls are hot because they are the closest things to attractive woman the metal genre has
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Considering that ladies have been in the metal scene for a long time... eeeeehhh ya not true dude. Don't you remember Girl School?
no, i listen to real music
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16. Must pretend to think gothic girls are hot SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS SATAN COMMANDS YOU TO KILL YOUR SIBLINGS because they are the only attractive women the metal genre has
Fixed.
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women just don't "get' metal
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its okay though we don't want them there
its like when they ask about rules when we're watching sports
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nothing is worse than a women asking you about the rules when you're at a metal concert
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nothing is worse than a women asking you about the rules when you're at a metal concert
:fogetgasp:
SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN
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The only metal a woman should know, imo, is pots and pans
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Fixed.
phew!
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phew!
why doesn't anybody get it
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I am of progressive rock as Tool for example and really enjoyed this thread and read all the points especially I liked 17-21 - thanks for posting this )