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Who is Bruce Genitals?

An age old question with a simple answer, though one not so easily explained as you’d imagine. Bruce Genitals is revered by many as one of the greatest, most fearsome heroes in the subterranean Atlantic mythos, though he has been rumored to be an unemployed housepainter in Paris by parties of unidentified and unstable association.

So just who is this man, then?

According the ancient scrolls now housed in the deepest depths of the Smithsonian Institution:

A master of disguise and subversion, fabled to be an enlightened man lost in the mysterious and shadowy world between life and death. It is said that he narrowly avoided his demise at the ripe age of five and a half, fending off multiple demons hellbent on seizing his soul for the black arts. Since that time, he has traveled through time and space with only a guitar and the clothes on his back, determined to discover the truth of his heritage and performing selfless acts of goodness wherever possible. He is rumored in many circles to be more than a thousand years old, and to have fathered celebrities such as King Tut.

Cryptic... These words could mean many things, and we may never know the answer for sure.

-Jon President, staff writer for Gope Magazine, 2002

Or so we thought...
These vast secrets have been sealed away, without exception, for many years...
Until now...


Despite technical difficulties on his flight over, as well as surviving a harrowing terrorist attack, as well as terrifying complications during his hospitalization Bruce Genitals has finally arrived here today to unveil his greatest creation.

Now, for a limited time only, you too may enjoy the secrets of the universe, absolutely free. This set of cunningly designed audiotapes, recorded by Bruce Genitals himself, will leave no questions unanswered. Order yours today, you won’t be sorry (unless you don't place an order  in which case you will hate yourself forever). So now, without further adieu, I present you with the strange and incredible; I give you...

So what are you waiting for? Act now; become the man you’ve always wanted to be, just like I have...

Note: Unfortunately for myself and the internet, I will be placed in situations beyond my control or comprehension, wherein I will be without access for this weekend, starting Friday and ending Monday night. I’ll tend to the topic (if need be), as best I can before then. Until I return, please try to play nice and have fun with this (dancingdrugssexspeedingflyfishing).

Since I’m sure most of you wouldn’t be happy with just this, I suppose a little explanation is in order (or please, just go ahead and download it and skip the rest of this. It's probably better that way anyhow)...