dammit i think i am getting mad depressed about my job and shit. I fucking hate it. I just come in here and sit all fucking day not doing anything. pretty soon i'll get in trouble i guess but i just fucking hate this. i hate building these projects that nobody ever looks at and 99% of clients can't even comprehend what the fuck i even do. its all just so futile. i'm building project after project and they all end up being nothing for a variety of reasons. nobody fucking listens to anything you say and it makes you job a million times harder and more complex and stressful than it ever would have needed to be. and it never changes. EVERY project and EVERY customer is the exact fucking same. i really really hate it. literally 20 minutes ago i just pushed myself away from my desk a bit and sat here with my head in my hands just compeletely unable to even fucking look at my screen. I can't bring myself to do this anymore. I dont even want to kill myself so it's not like im major depressed in a bad way I just fucking hate this all. UNGHNGHNG why. i even looked at job posting on craigslist and i dont think i could even do this job somewhere else. i would end up being happier working at taco bell but then i would be literally crushed under my debts because america is so fucking fantastic. UGH.

are you sure that all the other workplaces are similiar to yours!! i understood that you're a nifty coder, an arm like that can be used to many purposes... do not fret, do not give up... but yeah gimme your thoughts

no im sure other places could be better. i've been thinking about moving anyways so it's kind of just more of a reason or more of a motivation. I'm actually going to take a trip to NYC to visit couchfiend and talk to the people at his work, they kind of want to hire me. It's just a meet and greet but that will be nice.

but yeah today specifically was bad, i had to just leave and I drove around for an hour, went to a fast food place and just sat there. forlorn. but I remember watching the people work there and i envied them. i want a simple job that you can fall into a routine and the day passes you by and you go home and that's it. nowadays i dont get much work done because i cant bring myself to do anything, and i cant relax at home because i feel like shit for wasting a whole day. the next day i try and psych myself up and say "ok today im finally going to get some shit done, i'm just gonna do it" and nothing happens. I sit here and I try to get a game-plan for the day and i can't do it. and it's a huge combination of things, too. The clients we deal with, the way the bosses promise them things and i have to deal with it, the way nobody understands/comprehends let alone respects what I/we do (the programmers/web developers) and the fact that over 90% of the shit I spend my time making is never seen by anybody. There's a million fucking things I hate and after 5 years every one of them is so grating to me that I almost get more cynical and despondent every single day.

I also kind of feel like a dick because I have a decent job and I get paid well and it's not really that hard to do it so I'm just kind of whining because I dont wanna work. And that's bullshit. But honestly I don't mind working in general, and I know you can never get a job where you don't have to deal with assholes, but it still feels bad when every project and every client happens the exact same way, and the "higher-ups" only care about making the client happy and no matter how many times I object to a CMS system because they will never log in to it and it will take 5 times longer to get anything done and I'm told to just do it anyway I have to just do it. It's like I'm wasting my fucking life and have nothing to show for it except a stack of books I haven't got around to reading and tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt.

I just want to go into the woods and never come out.

lately i have been sleeping a lot and getting tired at like 4pm and i am growing very concerned that this could be something very wrong with me because i literally slept for 12 hours after being awake for only 7 (with a 9 hour sleep before that too) which is insane. not really eating either which is concerning. im really tired right now and trying to force myself awake but will probably give in.

I'd go to the doctor man, you could have lyme disease or diabetes or something.

No matter how terrible those shows seem to me (and they always seems just so terrible) I always think that the shows I grew up watching in my tweens probably seemed just as awful to my parents.