Hey guys. I've been gone for a bit you might have noticed (or not). Its funny to think, despite being here for soooo long I'm not sure if I ever actually made an introduction when I first signed up. Or at least its been long enough that I don't remember.

I took a vacation from salt land for a bit. Mostly due to Ebay work. I've got a new determined attitude about money. Philosophically, I've never had much motivation for money. I've always hated money. I've just wanted to have the bare basics, shelter, food, social life, and sex/romantic life. I have always had the former 2. But the latter things has been all but non-present for me especially for the past 2 years and its been eating at my sanity. This is largely because of where I live and a lack of motivation and generally being a fairly depressive person. And hating money motivated work. I still do, but now, I've forced myself to change perspective. I have to work within the system. I have to be aggressive, possibly even ruthless. Because that is what capitalism demands. And I've been miserable because I've been too passive and hippy-like. I've avoided such for fear of what I'd become, and now, perhaps its selfish, but I don't care anymore. I just don't want to live like this anymore. I NEED escape. And if I have to slit some throats and stab some backs to do it (financially, and probably less extremely than that imagery implies) then so be it. I don't see money as a high score, I see it as a means of escape.

I've been a sleazy salesman as of late. I'm misleading people at times. I realize I'm actually good at it... despite my usual social failings. I've been getting better about that though. I've pushed the idea that the person I'm tricking and manipulating? They are better off than me, they can take the hit. They are better off, because I'm living a grey meaningless life living with my parents and they have their own middle class life where they can buy the stupid meanness collectable shit I'm selling. And I no longer feel guilt for taking from them as much as I can.

I still hate doing this. I'd rather not. I feel... like I'm not myself and I feel little meaning in getting money in of itself. But the few jobs I've taken in more menial areas ("noble" worker/labor jobs) made me actively hate life and I'm not smart, motivated, or talented enough to actually produce anything that will make me money to live on.

I have not played a video game in about a month and a half (very very bizarre behavior from me). I have not talked to online friends much in that time period either. Even so, I often have to take breaks from work a lot. Listing items is painfully boring. I just have to keep reminding myself of what they represent to me and not think too much about how fucking stupid the shit I'm selling is.

I'm still not even making much money. I've only cleared about a hundred bucks because of a lack of valuable stock to sell and a few missteps for the past 2 weeks. But I've fairly confident in my abilities now and there is going to be a good opportunity to get some more stock in a month or so in the form of a multi-state garage sale event. I'm going to low ball the fuck out of people. I once bought a shelf full of near pristine books on stupid topics such as 'God is no laughing matter' and 'Love Lust and faking it' and a bunch of self help bullshit, and I bought them for dirt cheap. They haven't sold well and they take up a lot of room, but I made double my money after a half a week. I put on a chipper veneer when I communicate with my customers and basically kiss their feet as I sell them garbage they don't need. I don't hate or dislike my customers or anything but I definitely don't like them as much as I feel like I have to pretend to. I don't like putting on a false face.
 
My ultimate goal is to move to a city far away from my family. Like Denver or Seattle. I'd prefer to have my own private place. A tiny dinky apartment maybe, no car. I've never cared about wide open spaces. I hate living in the country. Only access to lots of people is what I care about. And stimulation, I'm restless.

Anyway, that has been what I've been doing. Sorry for not saying farewell when I left. I wasn't planning on being gone in the first place Just sort of happened.

Its not entirely true though that this has been all I've been doing with my time though. I've been going to various places and writing text book length responses on various topics like politics and science to keep from going insane with boredom in places like youtube, reddit, and facebook. And I've also taken to online RPing, not using any systems, just drama and sex shit, its bizarre that this is what I find myself compelled write, largely erotica. Maybe its my lack of anything erotic or romantic in my normal life these days. Its definitely something I never thought I'd do though. I always thought that shit was stupid untill I gave it a try. And no, I don't write well enough to make money off of it. Everyone and their parents wants to write these days. Its a skill with little scarcity due to the internet and most people posting their written work for free and unless you have a scarce skill (no matter how meaningless it is, like manipulating people and numbers for your own gain) capitalism wants nothing to do with it. Obviously.

I'm also not entirely sure if I'm going to post lots or anything now. It depends I guess. I'm going to try and visit this place more though. So you'll see me around probably. I'll probably be on IRC again too. I got on a few times. I don't know if I'll have much worth talking about. I might actually be a bit more aggressive and opinionated in my posts though... I actually hold a lot of views on things that you guys would probably vehemently disagree with as a community but I kept them to myself and I might continue to do so. My mind is still open though. You guys have changed my opinions in the past and I value that. I value that a lot, so much so that I need to be more willing to put myself out there on my more... extreme thoughts. IDK. But I feel like I might let them out now. I might post more topics now too. I basically NEVER did that before. Almost always replies.

What did I miss? Have any more game jams? Olbies still around? Anyone leave? Thank you for reading my block of text.

That's kinda positive to hear, despite all the negative energy u got. looks like you're "sticking your neck out" and making it out on your own/doing your own action plan, which is good. you might not like the emotional turmoil/ u dislike yourself for now and probably afterwards for what you did to other people but you definitely have the right approach now, with trying to DEAL with your emotional turmoil rather than LIVE with it... regardless, i don't think you have much leeaway for doubt now so keep on focusing on your goal instead.
 
sounds like you don't like what some of your and others' opinions / u r defensive about it but have realized that you can't really stay in an echo chamber/need a check if you got your thoughts ok etc, which is the right approach. though i wouldn't go as far as say that we are correct either instead by default but yeah, better maximize the amount of perspectives to topics/issues. you won't die of over-exposure... 
 

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What did I miss? Have any more game jams? Olbies still around? Anyone leave? Thank you for reading my block of text.

Well, SW was down for several weeks (due to certain SHITMIN... smiles smugly)... we also had a successful SW Game Jam which though got kinda busted due to downtime but i doubt there had been more participants due to it...
 
idk i guess like there's lot less post frequency post-downtime now but i'm not entirely sure why is that. for me it's just that i've been hella busy with school and i found that avoiding internet in general/putting it to bare minimum is the best for me, though i still have to work on it. trying to find a replacement activity or more productive activity in general in place for the "passive time" i spend on at certain times in my day. 

 
Exactly. I normally don't post in forums often really but there is another one I've been going to that a lot of outsiders might call an echo chamber (though insiders would call it more of a support group) on a very specific and personal topic and I'm not ever going to be at liberty to discuss openly here unfortunately. =P It is something I think about a lot though and I found myself posting topics a lot there which may be a learned behavior that I might transfer to this place. Mostly on stuff outside of the 'main' topic of said forum because I knew I'd get a bunch of differing opinnions. I actually had an arguement with a person who felt very strongly that taking any psychoactive drugs for any reason was bad and that suffering is part of life and you should just endure it naturally and then proceded to link to a 'holistic and spiritual' type of site. Suffice to say I think I reigned myself in decently well and avoided calling him a fucking idiot. (also, he was an admin, so obviously there was only so far I could have gone. I don't think he'd go so far as to ban me for disagreeing with him)

In any case this is why I feel like I'm going to more confidently post topics here now.

But yeah, its not only maximizing my perspectives and changing my mind though (though that is a supremely important aspect). Its also testing my beleifs against others to the degree that if my arguements hold up in a place where EVERYONE IS AGAINST ME I feel far more vindicated and correct that if I joined a communitty and everyone just circle jerks one another, including me.
 
As for the decreasing post frequency here in salt land I hate to say it but a contributing factor to my own hiatus was the long downtime. I usually visited this place out of habit and after a while of not being able to the habit died. This might be a similar reason why many others have been posting less.
 

Glad to hear about your resolve last time we talked you seemed down and stuck in a rut. Also glad to see you back.

Yeah I'm still technically stuck in a rut. Its just now I'm attempting vigourously to dig myself out of it. Namely because I feel the prime of my life is slipping away into a dull grey blob. Most people complain that the experiences they have gone through and the conflicts and hardship they feel has made their life painful. My problem is that I have little to no experiences to even draw on at all. And it drives me nuts now (maybe the grass is always greener?). The way I'm living now is terribly boring. Heck most of my life has been very boring. I'm never put myself out there in general and its lead me to be in general fairly inexperienced in just everything, espeically social stuff. As a kid and a high school I actively pushed the opposite sex away from me because of crippling doubt about me personality and appearance. I now sort of realise that there were quite a few girls that were actually smitten with me and I acted like a jerk to them in order to avoid being with them for fear that they were just fucking with me and I had absolutely no interest in being socially or emotionally vulnerable at the time. (fear of rejection and all of that) Heck, now I'm eager just to have the opportunity to be rejected. I litterally never see people outside my house now-a-days because I have not been able to afford to even spend the gas money to leave. This might change soon however. Even if I'm bound to leave asap I'd like to have some sort of social life here now if possible even if I'd be leaving them eventually. Can't be healthy being isolated for as long as I have, I need to break away from routine.
 

I like reading stories like this. Makes you think about what happened to other people from the forums.

Yeah same here. Glad to hear my post was interesting. I'd like to here some personal stories from you guys actually. I'll make a topic after this if I can think of a good way to write the opening post.
 
 
 
 
Also I wish my spell check wasn't borked on this site. I'm just going to post it though I'm pretty sure its good enough (I might ninja edit it though)