Hey GW, as a few of you might have noticed I was gone last week. That's because I was at Otakon, the OTAKU CONVENTION OF THE OTAKU GENERATION (the book they give you when you register says that) with a couple of my friends having grand adventures and meeting all sorts of people with debilitating skin conditions. People of all shapes and sizes, although predominantly fat, wandered around Baltimore's convention center looking for a good, JAPAN-CENTRIC time! Let's meet our cast of characters!
The Asian guy with long hair is Mark and the guy who looks stoned is John. They're cool guys although John is a 20 year old virgin who dropped out of school, has never had a girlfriend, never had a job, doesn't know how to drive, just got out of rehab, and sits around in his parents' house all day buying video game soundtracks off of eBay! Cool guy though! That's a picture of us standing around in line. It looped around the building and took us two hours to get inside.We wandered around for a little bit once we got inside and saw just about everything there was to see in the first hour or so. We went into the dealer's room where they sold a shitload of anime stuff and I found a shirt that was just too awesome to pass up. I couldn't read it but Mark said it said "Looking for a Japanese girlfriend" in Chinese so I knew I had to get it. But even with the shirt I knew my japfaggy look wasn't complete, I needed a hat to go with it. We went into the art room and I saw it, glowing on a pedestal of pure marble calling my name. It was a hat with a basketball on it making a strange face, and below it it said "basketcase". I needed this hat.
John left Mark and I for a little bit and went back to the hotel to do something. Probably smoke. He disappeared a lot to go out and smoke, which was pretty hillarious because it happened like ten times a day. Then I remembered I had Unusualgamer's number and he would be there so I phoned him up and met him in the video game room.
There's a KEWL PIXXX of UG, Mark, and I CHILLIN'! We started looking for UG's bff (best friend 4eva) and eventually found him in the art dealer's room.
We're looking pretty tru and grim! On the way out we saw this fat guy so I decided that I needed to talk to him with my Russian accent! I walked up to him and asked him who he was cosplaying as and showed off my cool basketcase hat. I also asked him if he knew anything about where I could get a spare kidney!
I guess his name was Michael R. Fubat. UG, Gamewolf, Mark, and I hung out a little bit but I was getting hungry so Mark and I decided to stop by Burger King...
...to get some chicken fries. ONE NATION UNDER CHICKENFRY. They were really disgusting! After this we decided to head back to the hotel room because we were tired as hell. We woke up at 5:00 that morning to get there and stood in line until about 12:00 so we were pretty beat. When we got back we decided to check out a COOL FLICK called XXX: State of the Union. This was probably the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Ice Cube was just a dickhead for no reason and it didn't make sense at all. Nothing about the movie made sense. It was just GRATUITOUS ICE CUBE BEING A DICK scenes, although one of the coolest lines in a movie ever was in it: "You're going down, homeboy.".The next day we got up bright and early but I realized I lost my belt so I had to use Mark's ethernet cable as a belt!
John, Mark, and I wandered around looking for shit to do. We stopped into this one movie called Elvenlied which was pretty fucking disgusting and pretty generic! It was about this girl with super powers who could kill people all the time in really gory ways but she SNAPPED and became a defenseless and innocent little girl every once in a while. It was really disgusting and they showed her boobs at every chance they could get. After that we walked into this movie called JOJO'S BIZZARE ADVENTURE about this floating head named Dio that took over Jojo Joestar's grandpa's body and they needed to kill it, but it never really explained why. It was pretty gay!Then I remembered that RG would be there in the gallery so Mark and I went to look for her while John went out for a smoke. It took us a couple minutes but eventually we found her selling her artwork in the art room. We stopped by to say hi and I bought an awesome picture from her. I even got her autograph. Someday it'll be worth millions, I'm sure of it.
That night was probably the best time we had there. There was an OTAKU RAVE going on that I just knew I had to go to, so while Mark and John were doing some shit, I have no idea what they were doing actually, I decided to go to the rave. It smelled pretty horrid but it was very fun. But soon I saw the most amazing thing I had ever seen, an otaku dance circle! I had to join in! I called Mark and asked him to come so he could take a picture of me getting my dance on!I stood at the edges of the circle for a little bit watching as these crazy Asian guys breakdanced on the head and shit. There was this one fat guy in a Naruto shirt who had these glowsticks and was just insane with them. I would've bought some glowsticks and done some cool stuff with them but I was too fucking lazy. Soon Mark arrived and I gave him my camera, it was time to get jiggy!I walked into the dance circle casually, slowly, making sure that everyone knew it was my turn to dance. Then I winked at this one girl and pulled out my wallet, tossing money all around me, which was pretty sweet! I threw my wallet into the crowd (to Mark actually, so I could get it back!) and then started doing the ULTIMATE DANCE. For those of you who don't know the ultimate dance, it's when you grab the back of your head with one hand and your leg with the other, and pull your leg and head forward and backwards, looking very awkward but hillarious. Mark took this awesome picture of me doing it in the dance circle but I accidentally deleted it when I was deleting pictures I had accidentally taken of my hand. It was a total bummer because that was the most fun I had there and it was hillarious. People were cheering pretty loudly because nobody else danced like that!!It was almost time to go to the 4chan panel when we got out of the rave, so we called John and cut into line at the 4chan thing. Now don't get me wrong, none of us go to 4chan or anything but we had to see what it was all about! All day for about every half hour someone would run around the entire convention center shouting "MOOT, WHERE'S MOOT!". I found out later that Moot is the guy who owns 4chan, so I figured I'd meet him! We were expecting pictures of women whose limbs turned into penises and were shitting blood when we got in and it was wild, but it wasn't that type of wild! It turned out Moot was like a 15 year old and he got attacked by a furry. Later, the hardcore 4chan guys went to this Gaea online panel and raided it! Some of the people there had to be held down by the security guards. There was this one 300 pound guy who was shouting and running around everywhere so the guards bodyslammed him into the ground. I should've taken pictures!After that we headed back and decided to test something out. John went downstairs and charged a bottle of coke to the room. That gave us an idea. Mark and I went downstairs and brought a shitload of food, hot pockets, bagel bites, candy, drinks, all sorts of shit, to the counter and said we'd like to charge it to our room. They asked us what room we were in and so we made one up! They didn't even ask us for verification. We got at least $60 worth of food for free!
The pizza matches Mark's face a little bit!The next day Mark was feeling really sick so we didn't go to the convention. We pretty much slept all day until night when Mark was feeling a little bit better. We found this AIM service for deaf people that would call anyone and say whatever the deaf person typed to that person, basically acting as a relay between the two. We called up a gay phonesex place and HILLARITY ENSUED!!! Mark also called me up with it and kept typing fetus, but the European spelling, which was foetus. The guy who was reading for him clearly didn't know how to read it so he kept saying foe-eat-us.Later that night we went out and decided to walk around Baltimore. We met a shitload of homeless people and talked to a lot of them for a long time. We met this one homeless couple who really needed our help, they were from Richmond, Virginia and needed a place to stay for the night. The YMCA charged too much money and they said they hadn't eaten in four days so I gave them fifty bucks to clean up and find a place to stay. They were more appreciative than the homeless people I gave cigarettes to.We found this one street in Baltimore that was filled with sex stores, which was pretty sweet. There was one place called Swedish Book Store that we went into, but I was pretty disappointed because it was just an ordinary porn store and the guy behind the counter wasn't even Swedish. We also got kicked out of a strip club called Club Harem! We found a pretty strange poll that had a message on it that I thought was pretty awesome!
I have no idea what that's supposed to mean! There were also crabs everywhere so we had to check those out too!
Here's John and I chilling with a crab! I also jumped into a fountain when a bunch of homeless people were around. They looked at me like I was pretty crazy! After that we went back to the hotel and chilled out! The next day we had to check out, so we got all our shit and put it in the car. John went out for a smoke break right before we had to leave, which pissed us off a little but was pretty funny.
After that we went to the Baltimore aquarium. People wouldn't shut up about how one of the dolphins was on MATERNITY LEAVE and they wouldn't have the dolphin show. We saw sharks and shit, which was pretty cool. I couldn't stop thinking about the Happy Days episode where Fonzie jumped over a shark.After that Mark and John dropped me off at my dad's house and I said my goodbyes. I had a good time at Otakon but the GOOD TIMES wouldn't end! Even though my dad's house is disgusting I had to stay with him for the week because my mom and her boyfriend were on vacation. My dad was kind of a dick but he didn't bother me too much because most of the time he was busy playing Everquest!
Here's a picture of my dad scoring some PHAT LEWT in Everquest. If you look closely you can see that he's wearing short shorts. Funny thing, I took that picture the day I got there, on monday. He's still wearing those clothes today!
Here's a picture of his computer desk. You can't really see all the pubic hairs in between the keys on his keyboard or the jug of pee beneath the chair but it's still pretty disgusting!On Thursday I went to an Alice Cooper concert, which was really awesome. It would've been better but my dad took up a chair and a half, so he was pretty much gushing out onto me, making me really uncomfortable. It was amazing though, it was the coolest concert I've ever been to and I'm not even much of an Alice Cooper fan!Anyway, that's my big adventure! Hope you had as much fun reading this as I did doing this (which you probably didn't)!
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Buster Brown's Big Adventure