By Jonah Goldberg and Frank J. Fleming

Ever have someone comment on your job who has absolutely no experience whatsoever at it? It's quite annoying. Now imagine millions of similarly unknowledgeable rubes constantly heckling you, but now they actually have a say on how you do things and could have you fired for disagreeing with them. If you can begin to fathom how unfair — downright mean — that would feel, then you'll have some understanding for the plight of the politician at the hands of voters.

(Illustration by Alejandro Gonzalez, USA TODAY)

A politician's job is as complex as it is important. Without politicians, the U.S. would be thrown into chaos. They run government, and government is the thin line separating us from animals. Were politicians to fail, our entire nation could collapse. Imagine where you'd be if — for just the briefest of moments — Dennis Kucinich weren't watching out for you like a hawk.

With so much riding on their shoulders, you'd think we'd want to do everything we could to make sure they're not disturbed and can give their full attention to their work. Instead, politicians' jobs are constantly interrupted by callous, fickle voters mewling for attention.

How can you tell when a voter is lying? Easy — see whether his mouth is moving. Voters claim they want smaller government while demanding handouts. They say they hate negative campaigns while their blood lust is conspicuous. They're basically violent schizophrenics. Is it any wonder some politicians are driven to prostitutes just to experience some basic humanity? Given the constant sniping of the American public, is it any wonder that Hillary Clinton thinks she was under sniper fire?

Even when voters do honestly ask for what they want, as surely as the sun rises they will later punish the politician for doing exactly what "we" asked them to do. One day voters will say, "That country is bad! Let's go to war with them! Do as we demand, or be punished!" Then the next day, they'll shout, "This is too hard! It was a horrible idea, and it's all your fault, politicians! You will be punished for this!" This is the sort of behavior we've come to expect from spoiled princes and 3-year-olds.

Just ignore them

Though voters are as loud as they are ignorant, it would seem the best strategy for the politician simply hoping to do his job would be to ignore these foul creatures. Unfortunately, in this country, we actually require elections, and this bizarre rule ensures that the inane, contradictory babblings of voters are translated into marching orders for politicians. So not only do our laws permit laggards, professional nose-piercers and porn movie gaffers to have opinions on complex budgetary and foreign policy issues, but our Constitution also says their opinions matter! What mad man thought of this? Was his wig powdered with cocaine?

All too obviously, a politician can't actually explain his job to voters who are both too stupid and too lazy to understand them. Instead, the politician is forced to entertain the fools if he wishes to keep his job. Right now John McCain, who at 71 should be living in quiet dignity, is forced to traipse all over the country and dance like a monkey for voters so they'll throw nickels at him to fund his campaign.

Or consider Barack Obama. He was barely in the Senate for five minutes before malicious voters decided to throw him into the meat grinder that is a presidential campaign. One minute he was like, "Where's the men's room?" and the next minute he's at the Colosseum while voters chant, thumbs pointing downward, "Kill! Kill!" at poor Hillary's broken and bloodied candidacy. The guy's just a lawyer, for Pete's sake!

Even worse are the "undecided voters" — a social science term for "psychopaths." You show us someone who spends months watching the psychological torture of two innocent politicians pitted against each other and still claims to be "undecided," and we'll show you the face of Satan himself. They obviously live for nothing but to see the suffering of their betters and know cruelty foreign to even the most depraved serial killers and DJs specializing in Scandinavian industrial club music.

And what consolation does a politician get if he makes all this effort but is then thrown away by voters in favor of a new victim? When voters are done with a politician, he is forgotten as quickly as he was discarded; no one checks to see whether he landed on his feet or whether his family is OK. It's April 1, 2008, do you know where your Walter Mondale is? In a way, a violent military coup is more dignified. Where are the Sally Struthers commercials promising that for just $1,200 a day, these politicians can be taken care of in the manner to which they've grown accustomed?

Elections? Who needs 'em?

So, should we do away with elections? Not necessarily, but if voters are the problem, it surely doesn't follow that they should be part of the solution. Democratic politicians are leading the way by putting their fates in the hands of the only people truly qualified to make the important decisions: politicians. There's a reason they're called "super delegates," after all. Like Nietzsche's übermenchen, these superior beings are really the ones we've been waiting for. Why rely on some slob who slid off a barstool long enough to vote in a caucus when you can have the delegates from the planet Krypton decide everything?

Leave politics to the politicians; a civilized society has no place for voters.