Attention okay. (Read 166261 times)

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Before I learned of Steel's death, I had a posting hiatus on the forum but I would always make time in the day to come and read over events and popular topics in the community. Ever since this "okay" topic was created, I tried to inform myself on his current state of health because I realize how gruesome of a disease that cancer can be. Steel had his ups and downs, but it was always ensuring to read the topic and learn of any positive news regarding his struggle with cancer. When I came into the topic and read the news of his death, I was very appalled. It's not as if no one could foresee his death given the circumstances, but there's always that feeling of disbelief when someone that you know has disappeared. I never really conversed with Steel, but anyone who read his posts knew how knowledgable, intelligent, and level-headed of a person he actually was. I definitely did and continue to admire him for his qualities that made him into such a person.

I especially want to thank you for sharing that message and comment on it while I am at it. Reading over it, my mind hearkens back to many of the posts that he made which really make you think "This individual knows what they're talking about." and i'd always close the topic changed a little bit, because I was able to learn something from him. Not only was that message thought provoking, it was also an emotional read. I read the central message that was delivered and I scrutinize how I am living my own life in accordance to how I should be. How much am I taking for granted? Should I appreciate the people in my life and what I have been given? Aside from the fact that it causes me to revaluate my own life, it's even more emotional when you consider that Steel is the one who wrote it. He was hardly one to show his emotional side. I always had the impression that he was a bit different than the person that he claimed we should all aspire to be. I suppose that's a large part of what inspired him to write it for everyone to read. Although he may have angered a lot of people, came off as a provocateur, and in general came off as indifferent to any negativity he may have sparked among others, his message goes to show that deeper down he really was a kind-at-heart person who legitimately cared about those around him - though his way of showing it was just different.
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That thing steel wrote was really nice.  It made me tear up :(​ 
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okay, so my school uses a site called Ning to create these mini private social networks that allow for students to share ideas with classmates. the English department has a site that i use to keep up with class assignments and stuff, but sometimes people will post things that interested them, like parts of various literature, quotes, thoughts, etc...

anyways, i posted part of Steel's letter as a blog entry on there and a lot of people were truly touched by it. here's one comment that a classmate of mine posted:

Quote from: someone i know
Oh, my. That was incredible perfect. When my grandfather passed away, one of the hardest things about losing him, other than that I could no longer see him, was i never got a dream I have always carried with me. My grandfather (a grumpy old man as he was) i know was wise, and i hoped to have him impart that wisdom upon me some day, but I was never allowed that gift. I now feel fulfilled, as if, i've finally been given wisdom from someone who knows, who really is neither an optimist, or a pessimist, but someone who knows the answer. Thank you for posting this.

oh and here's a little thing i wrote describing my own feelings, which prefaced the letter:

Quote from: me
hey, i wanted to post this because it is the most beautiful thing i have ever read.
the extended quote at the end of this note was written by a guy known to me as Steel, who was a young aspiring law student in North Carolina who spent the last year and a half fighting cancer. after all this time, he didn't make it through that awful disease... but he can rest assured that his influence on this world has not ended, and hopefully never will.
this guy was such an important person to me-- although i never met him face-to-face, i have known him online for more than 8 years. i don't think i've gone a day in all that time without communicating with Steel or reading his posts. what an amazing guy... i loved him like an older brother or a mentor. god, this past month since his death (not even a month, actually) has felt SO "Tuesdays With Morrie", you know?
it's been tough to deal with... i've broken down and cried many times-- yes, cried over a man i have never met. yet, that's not true-- i did meet him. i met him online. the internet is such a powerful thing. you can't make judgments online like you do in real life. when you first meet someone, you see no skin color, age, gender, or any other ephemeral attributes of a person. you really CAN know someone in the mess of the "anonymous" masses on the internet. in a tight-knit community like the Gaming World forums, to which i am so grateful for allowing me to get to know Steel, people can truly love each other in a way that isn't easy to do. so i can honestly say that i loved this guy, Steel, who impacted so many people so profoundly, myself included. i want to grow up to be like him. please, anybody who sees this--read this "dying message" that Amark Patra, a cancer victim, wrote... and, hopefully, be inspired.
Steel, i will never forget you.
semper games.
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Damnit.
I wish I came back earlier.
Steel was a pretty cool guy.
May he rest in peace.
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Thank you for sharing this.

I managed to keep it together till the last few paragraphs...

It made me tear up really really hard
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I've slowly drifted from GW though I've always made it a point to check in since I do consider this my first "internet home" so to speak.  But I really didn't expect to come "home" to this despite what some have already said about Steel's condition and whether or not expectations were realistic.  I was hoping to simply see more updates on things improving since that was the last thing I remember from this thread.  I didn't know him as well as some others here have but I'd be lying if I said my eyes weren't hot from reading the news and eventually his memo posted a page or two before.

But at that age, that part really bothered me.  He may be in a better place, but even without him saying so it's pretty obvious that his time shouldn't have come and certainly not like that.  For what it's worth I'll definitely pray for him and his family and keep him in mind as I knew him.
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It does suck.  When I first found out I spend a couple of days thinking about it.  I don't dwell on things like death a lot but when I do it really bothers me because of the perspective I take on it.  I mean, that's a person with family and friends, his own thoughts and having lived his lifetime growing up and reacting to the world around him and imparting his own contributions as well.  All of that is essentially gone, and while it affected those closest to him and even on places like a message board such as GW, it's weird to know all this and yet things keep going without skipping a beat.  The day after I was walking to the corner store thinking about the letter that was found on his computer and I know wore the expression on my face.  One thing I thought was, someone could look at me and tell what was wrong but they wouldn't really be able to know why beyond the fact that somebody had died.  I mean, even if I could explain things and who Steel was and his condition, it's not like they really "knew" him.  Hell, I didn't really know him and I spent a few years on this board with him.

The few times we weren't butting heads over something stupid I never really talked with him the way many here have who know him that much better, but he was still a person and he had a presence here and I guess it's just weird that one moment he's there and the next he's gone.  A cliche response I guess, but I don't know any other way to put it.
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I'm really late getting this news. I only just found out today (thanks to Hundley for pointing me to this thread again).

Even though I haven't spoken to him in months, possibly even years (has it been that long? I'm not sure), I'm incredibly sad to hear this news. I never met Steel in person, but I felt like we were pretty good friends at one point, despite that.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm honestly still processing this.

His family and friends are in my thoughts, and I hope that they're doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

EDIT: I just read Steel's "last letter." I'm seriously tearing up. The last line did it. There are no words.
Last Edit: December 21, 2009, 07:54:04 pm by kermit the toad
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i'm not going to lie, but yeah. i cried.

steel is fucking inspiring and it's a downright shame and goddamn awful thing that he had to die. that's all. i've been looking for something to say ever since i read he died, and this is all i could come up with. i can only wish that he rests in peace knowing how many people he's inspired.
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I come back to see how you all are and find out steel has passed on =[

RIP Steel
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In all of his boisterousness and flamboyancy, Steel carried more influence than any mod, admin, or poster on this forum.  Seven years ago, I remember the first conversation we had was via PM regarding his opinions on Ico and Metroid Prime.  Seven years he became an icon, hated and respected, for a small internet community.  Seven years he made more changes than the man who paid the bills.  Seven years of life posting on a stupid internet forum that brought joy and anger to hundreds of posters.  I still remember his funny ass Superman short story, the Targ forum, his rants on colleges, calling out people on their bullshit, and bullshitting himself.  Seven fucking years, holy shit.

I've spent lonely nights of self loathing and anger directed at stupid things in the past that couldn't be changed.  Here you have this guy, battling fucking cancer.  I've complained about my government job, which is cake as hell, while thousands of people are given the pink slip.  Here you have this guy who was paying for medical care, something I get for free, while still juggling schools and his future career.  I complained about a lack of time in a 6 hour work day.  This guy devoted seven years to an internet forum while still living a life and never once complained about his health.

I recently converted to Bhuddism after long self reflection on the time I've wasted doing jack shit.  Thinking back on it now, I believe I took the first steps around November.  The irony. 

Steel lived vicariously from beginning to end.  He followed the true path to happiness.  That's a path I strive to take.

Quote
"Earnestness is the path of immortality, thoughtlessness the path of death.  Those who are in earnest do not die, those who are thoughtless are as if dead already.

Having understood this clearly, those who are advanced in earnestness delight in earnestness, and rejoice in the knowledge of the elect.

These wise people, meditative, steady, always possessed of strong powers, attain to Nirvana, the highest happiness."
-Appamada Vagga 21-23
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I recently converted to Bhuddism after long self reflection on the time I've wasted doing jack shit.  Thinking back on it now, I believe I took the first steps around November.  The irony. 


Sorry to go off topic but wow.
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It might be a bit taboo for someone such as myself to be posting about this, what with being a self-admitted social parasite and whatever, but I've been lurking these forums for longer than most people can remember and I've always loved his posts. They were usually well written/well argued despite not really being coherent and usually really funny (even when he wrote that letter, as solemn as it was, some of it made me laugh ("fuck your window"). Consider this a bump, this is one of the longest-standing forum threads that I've seen in the last few months (most gw posts barely go over 7 pages, except the final fantasy one) and it deserves every page.
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Yeah, even though I didn't personally talk to him very much I still respect the shit out of the guy and miss him, his brilliance and his humor. Every fucking day I stop by here I feel that somethings missing.
DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES  THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE<br />DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS<br />PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES<br />DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS
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It still hasn't sunk in all that well for me and I think it never really will. It's like, I hope that one day I'll wake up and time will reset back to April 2008. The last year and a half has been so incredibly shit that I just want it all to go away. Why can't it just ugh. Go away. I need a drink.
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i put my itunes on shuffle today and one of the songs he included in a compilation that i never heard came on. it made me really sad :( (it was an excellent song though)
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face down ass up that's the way we like to fuck OOHOH IAM CUMMINGGG Hey! Mom is kissing santaclaus!


That's the only steelsong I remember but it is one of my favourite anti-depressant songs(won't go into detail on that lets just say that I really like it, are you goop-goops alright with it or should I maybe elaborate more? No? Good.)
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Quote
 PM: Sent: Happy birthday!

Want to spare the community, and you, the embarassment of creating a bloody thread. As I reckon it, you're not the attention-whore type of moderator anyway.

So, here, a complete waste of your life, a wholy random person wishes you a happy birthday! Or "may all your sechs be good", as they say in GW.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BON ANNIVERSAIRE
GRATTIS PÅ FÖDELSEDAGEN

Live long.

Sent to SteelPaladine on Oct 26 2004, 01:23:03 AM

going through my PM-archives on a whim, found this old thing. It all feels so goddamn recent still. :(
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So.

Either people are going to hate me for bumping this topic up again, or they'll just be okay (no, I don't really think someone will hate me for it).


Today is my birthday. And I haven't been here for months on end. I decided to come back and check things out... Only to find this devastating news. I'd totally been sidetracked away by college and everything going on in my life, that I didn't constantly remember about Steel and his surgery.

Now I come back today when I'm supposed to be happy and joyous, only to see all this. It's been months, and I'm ridiculously out of the loop but I just wanted to say something. Even if I was never close with him at all like many of you, we'd said a few things before and I was the target of very small gags when I was younger on here.

But I have to say that he was a damn good guy at heart, and everyone knows it. I am sorry he had to go, but I really am sure he is at rest now. He is happy now, at peace.


What he wrote, what Steve posted... I have to say it is one of the most beautiful fucking things I've ever read in my life. It made me cry a decent amount for just being filled with happiness a short bit ago. And I am just awe-struck at how things have panned out, but it's that way, no changing.


And I believe it was ASE that posted the log where Steel talked about the Peace Corps earlier? He talked of helping people and that he wouldn't really have a chance to leave some mark on the earth.

I think he was wrong. All that he has done, all that he has said, it has left impressions on the earth, in its people, us. No matter whether he left a permanent impression on the whole earth. That does not matter.


He left an impression nonetheless. Not permanent, but still a deep and lasting impression. And I believe that is his legacy.
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I know he made me a better, more enlightened person. If not directly then through his knowledge and spirit and I'm going to try damn hard to do everything I can to keep his memory alive.

I'm pretty sure the dude thought I was an idiot but I don't care he's still awesome and I miss the fuck out of him.
DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES  THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE<br />DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS<br />PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES<br />DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS