I would first like to apologize, for the blasphemy I am about to spew and sheer words I’m going to use but I feel I need someone to hear this and get a opinion on.



I was just about to go to sleep when the phone rang. It’s about 4:30 AM or so and I am wondering if it is my friend who is calling who stays up late like me so when the phone rings I am barely able to find the phone in my dark room (I keep it in my room because it might wake everyone up if I do not pick it up fast). With one eye open I answer and it’s someone else, I’ll call her Amber for privacy. I’m kinda upset already, because Amber use to have some real life issues in the past and was strung out on drugs, but had changed herself when she entered Job Corps facility. It’s a program that teaches you about responsibility and all and how to behave. She had already been locked up for some time and soon after she got out, she was enrolled there.

I’ll tell you how we meet and became friends. I by chance, was sent to the same facility as her and had no idea what Job Corps was so I blindly accepted the invitation my mom put me and my brother in. There we went through hell and back. I value computers and I’m shy and quiet so being hurled into a bunch of fucking rejects at life who care only about sex and drugs and bragging about how badass they use to be on the streets is no picnic, but I made it. I learned to be strong and speak up but there was still something missing, I was dead on the inside. I had some depression issues and a really hard time accepting anything I did but that’s where Amber comes in.

A few months in the program I was speaking a little, but not as much until we became friends. She came to me once and told me that I had a positive attitude around me and that she liked how I was always polite, and from there  we always meet at “positive” committees such as running for cancer patients (raising money) and working at nursing homes as volunteers. All fine and dandy, she eventually told me about her past life and how she did drugs, like EVERY drug, and how she loved it. I would tell her how dumb it is to be on drugs, and her pictures she showed me from the past showed that she was extremely skinny and sickly looking. Being a friend, or so I thought, I told her how I’m glad she stopped doing that and how she’s doing much better now that she’s in the program… Maybe it was meant for me to go to the program and show some people that life is good when your following the rules? I was happy to be there finally.

Well, as time passed and we became even closer friends, she told me of her boyfriend that she loved to death, I’m not the romantic type, but I pretended I cared. What was interesting however, was the negative influence HE was, selling drugs state to state and sometimes her going with him. To her he defied God it seemed, she would fall into tears talking about him and would always act weird whenever the subject was about him. Relevance? I believe that he is also the source for why she turned out like she is, he robs people and does things she doesn’t want to fully tell me about, and he also has kids with another woman, but she still loves him ^.^

For the tl;dr


Now, her life changed when she got out of Job Corps, from drinking and smoking, to thinking about God and doing the right thing and thinking of the right thing for the future. But when I picked up the phone, I was upset, because she had already called me telling me about how she was “looking for a fucking party” because she was bored, and we had made a bet, a real bet. I betted her 5k that she would smoke again, and if not? I’d gladly pay her 5k for not smoking until 40. In the phone conversation she said “I smoked my last one”, and I said slyly, “I’m glad I don’t have to pay you now, cause you couldn’t hold out on the deal.”. I figured she wouldn’t, I don’t believe people when they say something that crazy, and besides, she lives in Florida so I can’t possibly know when she is or isn’t. However, she stopped when I confronted her, then said … “it wasn’t as a cigarette so there!” In which I replied “Not a cigarette? Then what was it.” And she told me. Weed.

Oh but that’s right, like everyone fucking smokes weed right? It’s should be legal right? Guess I’m dumb on that part, I sure as hell don’t smoke it. She had to make some calls on that phone, so she told me she’d call me back, I said a hasty “yeah” and hung up… I can’t believe she’d go and do that after the image she put up what the FUCK? So then… she called again later that night, and this brings us to the first part, it wasn’t WEED this time oh hell no, it was ESTASY, she was fucking tripping out and telling me to chill out because hey, your friend who wanted to change her life at some point decided it was a good idea to start “rolling” or whatever the fuck it is you call it, and even better she has work the next day YAY! So there I am, trying my best to tell her in a polite but stern manner of how MESSED UP she is for working so hard then falling down the shithole again, and there she was telling me I was over reacting, and that she would only do it on the weekends. She also said “oh I’m just lying I’m drunk” after I started telling her how bad it made me feel that she would do such a thing. Her mom loves her so much, and she has little sisters that do not know of her habits, it’s under the rug….


What is there to do? I’m normally a happy person but this is insane, if I had never meet her what would she be doing? Was it meant that we meet for me to help her or is this just some sick twisted joke on the higher being’s half, I dunno. But it feels like I’m fighting a level 102 creature when I’m only level 22, how do the higher levels handle such a situation? Well there goes my sleep though, it’s 5:18 AM and I went from really dead tired into something strange… I just can’t sleep for anything, so I’ll just carry my happy ass on phantasy star online and play in Universe 2, name’s dark sister.

I just seek some type of help, who here has had this happen not in the same story but manner? I refuse to just let her ruin her life all over again, she just got a car and a job and we both go to college Aug 15th, she’s suppose to pick me up and we where going to split the gas money, am I over reacting? Is her drug use just something that’s minor? My guts says no and I should worry but maybe I should just go level up and look the other way :/

First, she's not your responsability. You may help her, aid her, listen to her or whatever. But you just can't change people, if she wants to screw her life, that's up to her.

As for drugs, one thing is to experiment and control whatever the hell you're doing, and another thing is when the drugs control you. In this way, it's very difficult to help you 'friend'. A person won't get out of the drugs from one day to another. From my experiences, these type of people just change their attitude when you show them it's just not worth it.

Look, I'm not involved in this, and I certainly don't know all of the details that I'd need to make a good judgment. But I've known these people. Quite a few of them, actually.

Let me tell you right now that there's no way these people will ever be drug-free. They go in and out of rehab like pendulums.

Here in the Netherlands, we recognize a certain group of people as "long-term addicts" which require a great deal of attention. There's even a special group of heroin patients that are given free heroin because other forms of treatment are ineffectual or undesirable (after being addicted to the stuff for more than 30-40 years, detoxification can be deadly). These people generally have huge debts and are completely hopeless.

You're best off leaving her alone. It's her family that should help her, not you. To get someone out of this most likely requires a great deal of intervention, which is virtually impossible if she's an adult. If she wants to really kick the habit, she's best off moving to a different country where she doesn't speak the language.

Definitely what Dada said here.  This is very true, as have the comments about "She's not your responsibility," and so forth.

However, I have known a few of these people who have been like this and DID *eventually* change.  Eventually.  On their own.  Some influence was held by friends, sure, but ultimately, it was that they chose to deal with it finally.

I'll give you two examples.  Let's call the first girl Emily.  She was taking Martial Arts with me -- she was actually a higher rank.  She more or less is how your friend was -- she got into EVERYTHING.  She liked EVERYTHING.  She was smoking weed out in the back of the martial arts studio once and my instructor was asking me where she went.  I didn't know she was doing that at the time (who would be that stupid?).  He caught her and put her on probation, hoping that he could influence her by saying if she did that again, she'd be kicked out/not be able to test (she was one away from black belt)/etc.  Well, she said she learned her lesson -- but next week, she was at a Mexican restaurant on the corner of the strip the studio was on and more or less making out with a guy there (probably on Ecstasy) and then smoking -- she was 15 and this is the US -- so that's illegal.  She got kicked out then.  She continued this behavior and about 2 years later, I saw her -- she was pregnant.  I had warned her so many times not to get wasted and screw her life up (we talked and hung out sometimes) and she always went back to habits -- I offered to help her get away from the stuff and help her go cold turkey (the biggest issue was weed -- there'd be some withdrawal, but it's not like she was doing heroin regularly or often).  She said, "Yeah, don't tell me, I know I already ruined my life and I'm sorry I let you down."  I was kind of struck off my feet and the only response I could give was, "You didn't ruin your life and you have nothing to be sorry for.  Just please tell me you've stopped doing all of that crap now that you've got a baby coming."  She had.  I'm likely to believe her -- either that or the kid is impossible to kill -- the amount of drugs, etc she did would have definitely made the kid screwed up.  Last I heard though, she was off of drugs -- but she did smoke cigarettes.  Her family was full of smokers, so it's not TOO bad, and she's over-protective of her baby so she'd never do it with the little tyke around -- she'd go outside and make sure she switched clothes and cleaned herself to not smell like smoke at all...  She eventually dealt with it, hopefully.  Crossing my fingers that she's ok now.

The other, we'll call Jess.  Actually, the girl I was dating for 3 years, engaged to, etc.  A new guy comes along and offers a lot of new things and the like and she runs off with him and they get into that.  Well, he's gotten her into drugs, etc.  She already had a completely unrealistic viewpoint of the world and expectations that were just impossible (sorry in advance to anyone Vietnamese here -- but Viet chicks are APE-SHIT CRAZY -- but also very hot *sigh*).  She's moving out soon -- but she doesn't have a job -- she's never had a job -- but her boyfriend she's with now, Mr. Weed and Coke, is going to be a LAWYER!  He has a legitimate interest in those things -- so that's cool and I hope he does well -- but if they ever gave him a drug test, he's going to be screening through the charts...  I don't know if he'll be able to make it through actual Law school.  And certainly, his grades will make things hard.  In any case, she's starting to do all these things with him -- and more or less, she's going to move in with him and the habits will continue.  She tells her parents she has a job and that's why she's gone all day -- but they stay out of things and let her do what she wants.  They think she has a job and don't touch her finances.  She failed out of school in some areas and now she's "switching" because they didn't conform to HER.  (she'd skip class and wonder why the professor thought she was a slacker)

With Jess, let me tell you, it is the SINGLE hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it still breaks me a lot.  You have someone you're close to (I'd probably be able to say that she and I were a lot closer than you and this girl), and they're just basically DESTROYING their lives.  And you fight and you fight and you fight and you want them to see it and be better -- but some people are just either 1) too stubborn or 2) too stupid.  Unfortunately, she's always been that first one.  But now she's running very close to the second.

That's why I've actually been more active at GW -- I've been trying to give myself other things to do and getting away from some of the negative influences.  The only reason I started to drink heavily lately (I don't really drink at all -- and I don't ever get wasted, but I do still feel like I put my sorrows into the booze to lighten up and not worry so much about things) is because of the entire situation.  It's just so obvious when someone is destroying their life right in front of your eyes, making all of the wrong decisions, and eventually... well, doing things that will go against EVERY MORAL FIBER OF THEIR SELVES.  The girl who didn't want to be dependent on anyone or anything -- addicted to a few things now and probably moving in with Mr. Weed, Coke, and Law.  Yeah...  Great, huh?  It eats me up, but I'm telling myself there's nothing I can do anymore.  She needs to fall on her ass and realize things for herself.  If she comes back to me, I'll be ecstatic -- but ideally, hopefully, truly, she'll at least find SOMEONE to get her off of that high or REALIZE it herself and not be bound to that shitty life.

As a final example, I'll give my little sister.  She's done everything.  (her personality is actually similar to my ex -- the only thing is that my sister realized it was time to grow up and that there are consequences)  So Miss. I wanna be a model -- who now has a tattoo, piercings just about everywhere (and she's still fairly pretty), decided to get her life in gear.  She's been sober for about a year, cut out all of the jackass losers that hooked her up with things -- and she's actually still able to be a model.  She actually was doing a wedding dress photo-shoot last week.  They let her hair down and it covered up the excess holes in her ears and the wedding dress can easily cover the tattoo.  All other piercings are hidden by clothes or make up.  And she's loving it and she has something positive in her life.  But ultimately, as I'm making this very clear again, she CHOSE to do it HERSELF.

And unfortunately, that's all we can ever do.  As much as it kills us and makes us want to rip our hearts out and the like, there is NOTHING we can do that will change THEIR mind.  It's a mental addiction no matter what -- even playing a game can be a mental addiction that is unhealthy (*coughpeopleinkoreadyingfromplayingnonstopstarcraftcough* *coughkidsfailingalltheirclassesbecauseworldofwarcraftwashavingaraidcough* *coughbestfriendsgettingfiredfromjobsbecausetheyneedtoleadtheirguildinguildwarsorworldofwarcraftcough*).  The only way to beat it is to realize it *yourself* and fix it *yourself.*

Try to avoid these people if you can, because it's only going to hurt you in the long run.  Actually, the reason my little sister even got dragged into that was because she had that same attitude as you and I and everyone else -- "I want to help them."  But we can tell how that went...

So yeah.  That's just my five cents... and thirty dollars attached.

--Terin

Thank you, I have never dealt with any of this before. I am still awake and might as well not sleep, but only because I had some coffee and talked again. All I can say from what I heard is regret, Amber regrets every little thing, and realizes all the wrong she will cause to herself and others because of her choice. According to what I've experienced, there are two totally different people I was just talking too, this is truly a dangerous drug to be taking in my opinion, the symptoms she told me made me feel dread... I'm expecting a response, and I know  what it will probably be but I'll listen and try to construct my words to the best of my abilities in a helpful manner towards her.  Truly she is fighting a battle within herself and the reality is, is that there is nothing but negative influences around her, yes, everything said is true. If she could move away from it all things might, just might be better, but I have told her that she needs to discipline herself and learn that life is not about drugs. Now I have set myself up for another disappointment, if she calls again and tells me I will be devastated, all I can do is prepare in the back of my mine should this happen again, lucky for her she does not have to work and she herself is attending church at the moment ( I did not ask her to do this she feels better under a religous setting, and she has told me that she is very glad to befriend me. This is insane though, I never thought ME of all people would experience such a person in life… I guess you guys are right, she is not my responsibility, I’ll try my best to comfort her, but taking the blame cannot  be my fault when it’s her actions.


I could tell her family, but her mom would break in half, too many people would be very upset... I’ll let her mend herself and see what happens. Thanks guys I’m glad I have some serious  answers here and it is helping me ponder on what’s happening.

Honestly, Pilla, you shouldn't EVEN try to comfort her.  That just gives her an outlet for when she makes more poor choices and thus, suffers no consequences.  Ultimately, it's also going to make you more miserable and heartbroken as you hear more about it.  Do you really think you can put up with her calling you to say, "Yeah, I messed up.  I really regret it..." for the rest of the times you're her friend?

She needs to grow up and get past it.  You can be a friend, sure.  But comforting her and tolerating her actions -- I don't know if that's something that will help her OR you.

--Terin

Honestly, Pilla, you shouldn't EVEN try to comfort her.  That just gives her an outlet for when she makes more poor choices and thus, suffers no consequences.  Ultimately, it's also going to make you more miserable and heartbroken as you hear more about it.  Do you really think you can put up with her calling you to say, "Yeah, I messed up.  I really regret it..." for the rest of the times you're her friend?

She needs to grow up and get past it.  You can be a friend, sure.  But comforting her and tolerating her actions -- I don't know if that's something that will help her OR you.

I understand. She said she would not make any promises of stopping, that right there has lead me to believe this is not over. It's just so surreal however, it's like watching T.V thinking "this will never happen to me" and right smack it is. I have the heart not to care, but my weakness is my compasion. I'll buff up and try not to think too hard on it, but that goes agaijnst my personality. Life can be so random and crazy. I don't want to hear her give me excuses everytime, because each time I have lost my trust in her words. There have been many times she has not been true to what she said an it is very dumb on her part but, it feels like she might get over it, she might.

Posted by: radio_raheem 
Quitting drugs isn't as easy as you make it out to be. For someone like her who completely surrounds herself with that kind of shit it would be a complete lifestyle change. She would need to lose her boyfriend and friends and likely her entire social life. I say just forget about it and let her hit rock bottom on her own. Going behind her back and meddling in her life won't do a whole lot of good and she seems like the kind of person who wouldn't ever think of quitting until she's had an accidental overdose or something anyway. 

That is true, she has said that she knows her "true friends" are not there and that she wishes to go and never see them, but it's complex for her it seems, a weakness sitting there so obvious and the threat of her going back always remains. I do not like her actions at all I mean shit, she use to be the president of the facility and she gave a speech about how she was done, hopefully, but I have my high doubts this is it, but it seems what's going to happen next is that she's going to do it again and not tell me about it... Whatever, I'll just do what I can and well, letting her slip away is just too much out of my personality, I couldn't imagine knowing I might have fixed something in her, even though I can only talk.

First, she's not your responsability. You may help her, aid her, listen to her or whatever. But you just can't change people, if she wants to screw her life, that's up to her.

This, you've already talked to her about it.

She can only change if SHE wants to, I suggest you tell her this and don't bother with her because all she's gonna do is stress you out.

bah ecstasy and pot arent that terrible post when she starts doing lines of coke or becomes a meth head

yeah but you can die from a bad shroom too so saying YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY DIE from one tablet is stupid.

And really, he should just leave her the hell alone because if he DOES tell her family she might get help (it obviously won't help her because it seems she's been through this all before) but she'll most definitely not want anything to do with him afterwards for ratting her out. So you should just skip all of the bullshit and heartbreak and just stay the hell away from her, IMO.

yeah but you can die from a bad shroom too so saying YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY DIE from one tablet is stupid.

I think the idea was don't do drugs in general.

yeah but you can die from a bad shroom too so saying YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY DIE from one tablet is stupid.

And really, he should just leave her the hell alone because if he DOES tell her family she might get help (it obviously won't help her because it seems she's been through this all before) but she'll most definitely not want anything to do with him afterwards for ratting her out. So you should just skip all of the bullshit and heartbreak and just stay the hell away from her, IMO.

So you should not try to help fix your friends life because she might think badly of you for a while.

shouldn#t save babby from fire i have my new shoes on dont wanna make em all dirty....

I would seriously not mind a friend of mine thinking i'm a complete dick, if it means I can help him get his life back on track. You definitely should tell her parents because anything else will not help at all, and the situation will only keep getting worse until she eiter goes cold turkey, or dies.

worst idea ever as it will only completely distance you and break off any trust she can ever have in you ever ever ever

anything that pushes your friend away is a bad idea imo but that's all i gotto say so good luck i guess


to be honest though smoking pot and doing ecstasy isnt THAT big of deal. both are among the least addictive and dangerous substances available (well, depends on the quality of the ecstasy of course) so if she grows tired of experimenting/messing around she shouldn't have much of a problem backing out.

what you REALLY need to watch out for is: speed, meth, coke, H, pcp

that shit is fucking dangerous

you don't know what you're talking about! coming from a family of drug addicts (my father died of an overdose!) i can safely say that it is near impossible for addicts to kick the substance on their own. they need their family and the support of their loved ones.

pot and ecstasy aren't dangerous in terms of addiction, but you're ignorant as hell if you think ecstasy isn't dangerous!

Drug abuse isn't saved by learning the good side, in the world it is each persons responsibility to change for themselves if they find they are sickly or unhappy. People on drugs don't have that same ideal in thier head, they find thier life the responsibility of those who can control the situation around them.

I honestly was into a lot of things in my past and have clearly been able to define the line between controlled and uncontrolled substance use. The line usually needs to be drawn out by someone that can say in black in white what is ok and what is not. I have to do this for some of my friends today and I don't mind having to because I know they know when to stop but having someone to be there and look out for them even before they reach that line offers the kind of protection every human deserves and has a right to.


It may be hard to split yourself one way or another after meeting and affiliating with this person. But you need to help her find out what she really wants out of life, where she can define herself in society, and what she wants to be to others when she is older, possibly a mother and wife, or even in the event of becoming a grandparent; how would she want to be seen and thought of?

Once she can understand this she might just find her own way out. She can never hide from the things that she had done but she can find herself ashamed and embarrased of what she's become.


Hopefully this somewhat makes sense, it's not mean't to tell you what to do but explain how one way or the other it really is her choice what to do with herself, but it is the people around her that influence her choice.

i wasn't offended dude!