Humor LIVE IN A VAN (Read 3437 times)

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Right, with the housing market gone to hell and the state of the economy as it is, my friend and I were joking about where the fuck I'll live for college.

My mom lives in state-subsidized housing. She gets 3 bedrooms for around $750 bucks, which is unheard of in southern california. Problem is, because she's picking up a second job and making more money, she may not be eligible for tenancy. 3-bedroom apartments around here cost as much as 2k a month, meaning she'll downsize to a 2 (or worse) a 1 bedroom apt (still around 1 fricking grand in this hell hole). We've explored all the solutions...looked for suitable roommates, none of which were safe/ not crackatics/ not alcoholics, ...looked for more subsidized housing (and being put on a 5 year waitlist), ...even thought about moving away (which is impossible. Parents are divorced and by court order we have to go between houses certain days, meaning we're stuck where ever our dad is). Yeah, we've even thought about *not* making any more money. Except for the fact that I'll need to work for college and they'd include me in the total revenue. My mom and 2 brothers might be screwed. But I'll be 18! Freedom from the machine, baby!

Solution?


Fuck, yeah!

I'd buy a van offa ebay, a fixer-upper, reupholster the sucker and pimp it out. Cruise around lookin' for local wifi hotspots. Stop by the library to do my studying and then crash at the local beaches till morning before the lifeguards kick me out! How badass is that? I'd do my part to fuck up the SYSTEM by leeching huge-ass checks from the gub'mint (I'd use up my 2 years of TANF) and get a FREE JR. COLLEGE EDUCATION thanks to the BOG waiver. To make money, I could put advertisements on my van (there are trucks that do this already), or maybe I could become the latest web-craze and be sponsored by our DYING AMERICAN auto companies. That's right, I could make money JUST BY DRIVING THE FUCK AROUND. This'll subsidize my gas, and generate me some electricity (solar panels!) so I can save up and buy me a 42'' plasma screen TV and play wii all day. Or, better yet, I could take my story to Pimp My Ride and have 50'' subfuckingwoofers put in every knick and cranny of my car and I'll end up having to sleep on my roof but hot-damn, I'd have a fully loaded ENTERTAINMENT VEHICLE and I'd be damn proud of it. Plus, because I was a FUCKING RETARD and decided to major in ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING *shoots self* I could be my own project, outfitting my van with a biquad dish antenna and a whole host of awesome accessories. For food and hygiene, I could buy a solar shower or shower at the local beaches. Then I could buy 2 fifty pound rice bags and munch on rice all day (I do that anyway), crash parties and clean out the soup kitchens. Possibilities are endless. Eventually, I would amass an army of street-roving VANMEN..MEN..men and coerce others to join our lifestyle. Goddammit, this'll be the new wave of the future! WHO IS WITH ME?!

Or I could just...not go to community college...maybe fork over the money for UCSD and get a triple room with BULLSHIT FUCK THAT, THAT'S LAME

Questions!

"I would be totally embarassed to write this, even as a fakepost. it's not funny except in how you seem to think it's good. look at all the redundancies, for fuck's sake. "insipid semantics, despicable mediocrity" ugh gross gross. I want to take a shower every time I read your prose." -Steel
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you will never do any of these things
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shut up I can dream!
"I would be totally embarassed to write this, even as a fakepost. it's not funny except in how you seem to think it's good. look at all the redundancies, for fuck's sake. "insipid semantics, despicable mediocrity" ugh gross gross. I want to take a shower every time I read your prose." -Steel
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do this only if you have to. a lot of my friends have done the van life and they STILL don't romanticize it. it's terrible and it's also pretty scary.
brian chemicals
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it's also pretty scary

Just find a quiet area of a nice neighbourhood to sleep in? Or somewhere not totally stupid. I always see it in TV and movies that people who live in vans sleep in shitty urban areas or the middle of the woods where they are sure to be raped/set on fire.

I can't drive but I'd like to be able to do this over the coming summer. It'd be dirty, probably, but my biggest concern is finding a place to shower in the mornings. If I could figure that out, I think I could totally handle it. I'd read alotta books since I wouldn't have a laptop with Wifi 24/7 and probably do more interesting things since who wants to sit around in a dingy car/van all day?

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you will never do any of these things

I dunno, people do crazy things. We're all cushed up kids who never had to, and when people say "THIS IS CRAZE BUT I'M GONNA DO IT!" our first reaction is "yeah, okay. i said that once. know what i done about it? zippo." but it doesn't have to be like that with everybody. Some people are dumb and dive into things without thinking, other people know it's a risk but figure it's better than settling for some other shitty deal. I think I'm half of both and I'd do things like live in a van. Of course there are loads of downsides one of them being it's less safe than an actual house but heck I'd still be up for it. I'm not a real risk taker or anything but life is pretty boring if you don't make dumb and outlandish decisions every once in a while. 
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If you're a young guy it might cost you an arm and a leg to insure the sucker. If you're going to live in a van, you'll have to clean it like every day, otherwise sludge will buil up on the inside of the windows (know from experience).
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Theres a craze in britain atm for gassing people in caravans through the side vents whilst they are sleeping and robbing them blind. I saw it on some alarmist TV show.
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A craze, huh
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Just find a quiet area of a nice neighbourhood to sleep in?

do you really think nice neighborhoods want to look outside to see juris's scuzzy ass cooking beans on a hibachi while they're walking the dog? they'll call the cops on him.

really jamicus!

http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/autaux?b=M%5ea11f09b8576e606bcb5038dfdb92fb821&u=http%3A%2F%2Fachewood.com%2Fcomic.php%3Fdate%3D11182004
Last Edit: April 12, 2009, 04:48:04 pm by Artis Leon Ivey Jr
brian chemicals
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I dunno, people do crazy things. We're all cushed up kids who never had to, and when people say "THIS IS CRAZE BUT I'M GONNA DO IT!" our first reaction is "yeah, okay. i said that once. know what i done about it? zippo." but it doesn't have to be like that with everybody.

sorry but when a dude comes in and goes WOULDN'T IT BE COOL TO RENOVATE A VAN AND LIVE IN IT, I COULD GET SPONSORSHIP FROM CAR COMPANIES AND MAKE MONEY!!!!! i do not see it as something that is likely to ever really happen
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Nah there's no way you couldn't find a spot of a reasonable neighbourhood to sleep in. I don't mean the same place every night obviously. Sleep in a place one night, go back a few nights later. I'm not talking about gated communities here. The people in the estate I stayed in never even talked to each other, if a strange van popped up every couple of days nothing would happen. Pretty much ever! Just don't be stupid about it and park right outside someone's front window. Find a corner, or something. Or a place with alot of vehicles around so no-one would find a new van all that weird. Heck there are vans outside here right now, I can see them from the living room.

There are places!

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sorry but when a dude comes in and goes WOULDN'T IT BE COOL TO RENOVATE A VAN AND LIVE IN IT, I COULD GET SPONSORSHIP FROM CAR COMPANIES AND MAKE MONEY!!!!! i do not see it as something that is likely to ever really happen

Guess it feels pretty cool to be cynical, huh
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yup
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nah, broken windows syndrome. neighborhood watches will spot him aaaaand then he's in jail for like six hours for two hundred dollar bail because he decided to dry a shirt. don't stay in a nice neighborhood. don't DO this but if you have to school parking lots on weekends are usually good ideas, and you have to be cautious as fuck when you're doing anything that is LIFE like taking a shit, making food, laundry.

i mean he's not going to get jacked the first time but almost everyone i knew got harassed by cops or had to call the cops and none of them were going in southeast raleigh or anything. people are jerks!

also i was under the assumption everything other than "maybe i'll live in a van" was hyperbole.
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where are you going to shower and poop.

That’s right, you have the young gaming with the old(er), white people gaming with black people, men and women, Asian countries gaming with the EU, North Americans gaming with South Americans. Much like world sporting events like the Wolrd Cup, or the Olympics will bring together different nations in friendly competition, (note the recent Asian Cup; Iraq vs. Saudi Arabia, no violence there) we come together. The differences being, we are not divided by our nationalities and we do it 24-7, and on a personal level.

We are a community without borders and without colours, the spirit and diversity of the gaming community is one that should be looked up to, a spirit and diversity other groups should strive toward.
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http://cheaprvliving.com/howtoconvertavan.html

That’s right, you have the young gaming with the old(er), white people gaming with black people, men and women, Asian countries gaming with the EU, North Americans gaming with South Americans. Much like world sporting events like the Wolrd Cup, or the Olympics will bring together different nations in friendly competition, (note the recent Asian Cup; Iraq vs. Saudi Arabia, no violence there) we come together. The differences being, we are not divided by our nationalities and we do it 24-7, and on a personal level.

We are a community without borders and without colours, the spirit and diversity of the gaming community is one that should be looked up to, a spirit and diversity other groups should strive toward.
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seriously though with gas costs and the effort expended and the incredible inconvenience of living in a VAN you're probably better off finding a shitty apartment.

That’s right, you have the young gaming with the old(er), white people gaming with black people, men and women, Asian countries gaming with the EU, North Americans gaming with South Americans. Much like world sporting events like the Wolrd Cup, or the Olympics will bring together different nations in friendly competition, (note the recent Asian Cup; Iraq vs. Saudi Arabia, no violence there) we come together. The differences being, we are not divided by our nationalities and we do it 24-7, and on a personal level.

We are a community without borders and without colours, the spirit and diversity of the gaming community is one that should be looked up to, a spirit and diversity other groups should strive toward.
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Theres a craze in britain atm for gassing people in caravans through the side vents whilst they are sleeping and robbing them blind. I saw it on some alarmist TV show.

there are no gypsies in america
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nah, broken windows syndrome. neighborhood watches will spot him aaaaand then he's in jail for like six hours for two hundred dollar bail because he decided to dry a shirt. don't stay in a nice neighborhood. don't DO this but if you have to school parking lots on weekends are usually good ideas, and you have to be cautious as fuck when you're doing anything that is LIFE like taking a shit, making food, laundry.

i mean he's not going to get jacked the first time but almost everyone i knew got harassed by cops or had to call the cops and none of them were going in southeast raleigh or anything. people are jerks!

also i was under the assumption everything other than "maybe i'll live in a van" was hyperbole.

I'm only using nice in the loosest terms. The estate I'm in right now doesn't have neighbourhood watch and there are three little car parks nearby, 2 of which would be perfect for a night or two. Like, it's hard to get spatial stuff like this across but it would be easy as heck and not everyone in the entire world is an asshole, anyway. I'm not saying you would never get a weird incident every now and then but just don't be stupid about it and there shouldn't be too much trouble. There's are a bunch of spots in this estate where you could park a van and have easy access to a small patch of woods to take a crap and dry clothes in relative privacy.

I'm saying these kinds of things aren't really reasons not to do it, cos they aren't concrete things. One estate might be totally unsuitable for parking a van in and everything you say would be right about it, but others would be totally reasonable and people would see a van and just assume "oh, one of the people around here bought a van." or more likely totally ignore it. Just a bit of sense is all you really need. You might need to drive around for a little while in order to find a good spot but they are there. Parking lots, varied estates (I'm using esates in the british sense of the word just meaning houses and flats), maybe even safer parts of town centres. You figure safe and dangerous areas out in a place pretty quick. I wouldn't really do it in a place I didn't already know at least a little well.

And just keep the van fairly clean on the outside to avoid broken windows syndrome.

Also - don't you know anyone who you couldn't say "hey could I just pull up in your driveway/front of your house for a couple days?"

I assumed that everything else said but I'm gonna live in a van was just being silly, too.
Last Edit: April 12, 2009, 05:29:13 pm by jamie
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i'm gonna live in a swamp.
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there are no gypsies in america
are you sure???