Well I know people here are pretty cool, and I need some random outside opinions. Here come the words.
So I've basically spent the last couple of months treating and coming to terms with the fact that I have depression and anxiety issues. It's been interesting getting a non-paranoid/depressed view on my past and my life in general thanks to this drug, but I can't be on it forever can I? I have to quit some day. The problem is there are fundamental problems I have with LIFE in general that I can never see myself getting over without a massive paradigm shift or lobotomy.
I have no working faith in our monetary system, the handling and manipulation of which making me feel sick and angry. Modern stock exchange concepts outright disgust me. I can see no solution, however. I can not keep a job for too long before it starts making me depressed. I always start becoming miserable and slacking slowly until I am called on it, eventually leaving for a new one or getting fired. Ive managed to keep my last few jobs simply for the stability but I don't know how long I could ever last.
I have a daughter. If I spend too much time thinking about it I am paralyzed by how my actions are and will affect her later in life. I had some things happen when I was little that definitely fucked me up as I am now learning.
Finally I distrust 90% of people's intentions, as it hardly ever takes long for me to start identifying things people say and do to me and others purely for the image of self they are trying to create - something I have always tried to not let influence me (which of course causes influence, which awareness of is influential, blah blah infinite cycle of paranoia). Doesn't help that some of my relatives project their delusional egos all the time, and my family all chooses to sort of ignore it.
I've had some drug problems I still worry about.
My self reflective issues make school difficult, I constantly feel like all my thoughts, ideas and subjects are useless masturbatory bullshit. I have been told to shut up and that I am legitimately smart, the latter statement has made me physically ill to hear.
Basically I feel like we are all suckers to our inability to live the way we want to. Our parents were fucked up by this and now the internet and life in general seems like I manner in which to pretend we are ok despite there being no tangible reward in trying.
What im getting at is that Im pretty sure Im just paranoid, but how can I stop? Can any of you explain to me why Im wrong in feeling like this? If im just being an idiot please tell me, i need to hear this. Thanks for letting me vent and try to collect my sanity. You guys all rock unironically IRL.
Questions are encouraged, i guess I imagine I sound like a self important shithead so maybe you wanna understand why
Last Edit: November 21, 2009, 07:00:19 am by Soup Demon
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