Well I know people here are pretty cool, and I need some random outside opinions. Here come the words.
So I've basically spent the last couple of months treating and coming to terms with the fact that I have depression and anxiety issues. It's been interesting getting a non-paranoid/depressed view on my past and my life in general thanks to this drug, but I can't be on it forever can I? I have to quit some day. The problem is there are fundamental problems I have with LIFE in general that I can never see myself getting over without a massive paradigm shift or lobotomy.
I have no working faith in our monetary system, the handling and manipulation of which making me feel sick and angry. Modern stock exchange concepts outright disgust me. I can see no solution, however. I can not keep a job for too long before it starts making me depressed. I always start becoming miserable and slacking slowly until I am called on it, eventually leaving for a new one or getting fired. Ive managed to keep my last few jobs simply for the stability but I don't know how long I could ever last.
I have a daughter. If I spend too much time thinking about it I am paralyzed by how my actions are and will affect her later in life. I had some things happen when I was little that definitely fucked me up as I am now learning.
Remember that you've got to work to support your kid. That should be the most important thing to you right now in my opinion. Everyone with a head on their shoulders knows that that our concept of work and money are warped in both this society and even worse across the world. Thats just apart of the world you live in and you've got to get past that. Because essentially that doesn't matter, you're at a disadvantage automatically unless you've got a great job and you've got to push against that and those feelings and do what you gotta do, provide for your family and yourself. A guy on my ship just found out that his brother isn't doing good at all and since he lives and works out of the phillippians he gets paid alot less than what I get even though when it comes to working and knowing about the job he's flat out more knowledgable and determined to work than me. He gets less then our minimum wage and he has to come up with the money to fix his house that was fucked up from the typhoons over there, support his family, and pay for his brother's operation. Which is 6k usd, which is ALOT of money over there. even facing all of that this guy can't go home and be with his brother, he's got to work to provide for them. This makes me feel really really sad and shitty but I respect the guy to no end for pushing on. I want to give him money to help him out but I have a feeling he'd be insulted by it, but I know he needs it more than I do and I can wait for what I want, all I really do is get high with it or save it right now anyways.
Finally I distrust 90% of people's intentions, as it hardly ever takes long for me to start identifying things people say and do to me and others purely for the image of self they are trying to create - something I have always tried to not let influence me (which of course causes influence, which awareness of is influential, blah blah infinite cycle of paranoia). Doesn't help that some of my relatives project their delusional egos all the time, and my family all chooses to sort of ignore it.
I've got a problem being very suspicious of people too and often get jaded by people I try to be friendly with that end up being pieces of shit. But I've learned that you can't judge people until they wrong you, you never know who someone really is until they show you and once they do, then you make your decisions on them.
I've had some drug problems I still worry about.
thats something you've gotta reflect on and figure out. If you're taking something that you think might be doing this to you or hurting you, then you need to know when to stop and see if it helps, then go from there.
My self reflective issues make school difficult, I constantly feel like all my thoughts, ideas and subjects are useless masturbatory bullshit. I have been told to shut up and that I am legitimately smart, the latter statement has made me physically ill to hear.
I think everyone has this problem in one instance or another. What others think of you really doesn't matter because they aren't you and they don't control your actions or have to deal with your actions and decisions on a day to day second by second basis. Who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about you? If they got something to say that can help you be a better person, then take it to heart but otherwise fuck them they should be worrying about themselves and not you.
Basically I feel like we are all suckers to our inability to live the way we want to. Our parents were fucked up by this and now the internet and life in general seems like I manner in which to pretend we are ok despite there being no tangible reward in trying.
imo the definition of life is not living the way you "want to". Life is out of your control and all you really can control is yourself and your own actions, for both better or worse you can only define who you are as an individual and use that to help guide you through life, otherwise you're a feather in the wind going wherever it takes you and decides to sit you down.
btw this is all shit that I think and I am by no means trying to instill on you a way to live your life. Just trying to help, I think about this shit alot.
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