Ok I didn't kill myself, but I want to, this life is going nowhere

Mince:
have you seen a counsellor? most academic institutions provide them and apparently they can be a big help.

Farren:
i used to do that a lot. not in front of like strangers but my various flatmates have been heavily to wack rap styles and advanced bork-bap. i got better at freestyling now though so they mind less. i think that overall the times where i have put my music / poetry / whatever in situations that have a grave potential to embarrass me either publically or in front of people whose opinions i care about have been the most valuable ones. i think that while you shouldn't be like HELLO CHECK OUT MY MASTERPIECE $10 PLEASE when you have no skills and a decent microphone (hi it's me,) showing other people your projects helps find flaws in them that you never knew existed. a lot of people won't openly engage in being wack as fuck and i feel that's unfortunate. if you don't have other people telling you why you suck then how are you going to figure out how to stop sucking? i mean part of the reason i posted that video in here is that i'm sort of hoping someone will tear me apart for it because most of what my friends have said has either been encouragement or stuff like "it's okay, pianos are too loud, rapping is slow", "i like the hawk." if i were in that situation, i'd rap back at the guy about being a whiny child because it's justified criticism but less conceited than being like "well that was lame. stop trying." i mean i am socially awkward most of the time so who knows if i'm qualified but i think failure should be embraced.

Why, what could a counselor say that could change my mind

Dunno, they might help you find a way around some of the things that are making your life difficult. It's not really about them changing your mind if you don't want to change it, apparently. You just talk about what you're going through. Venting about what's causing your existential distress etc. I'm told it gets better. People I know who have been suicidal said it helped.

I've had a relatively miserable semester at university. I'll be going to see one when I have the time. Not contemplating death or anything, but a few things in my mind making my day to day life vaguely more difficult. Why not try it, I guess.

yeah I agree with you there biggle and he's actually getting alot better. I try to tell him though its not his rapping technique that is so awful as much as what he's rapping about. And he's got the same problem I do as far as no good beats to practice with but his buddy makes some for him but they sound really monotone and beep bop crappy.

I'm more of a music hermit I practice and practice alone and then when I get comfortable with what I'm doing I try to record it until I'm comfortable with what I got and then put it out for ears and words. I want to learn how to make my own beats and play a few instruments though so I can perfect my art. I got the ear for vox and I can work with some music but I think I'd be waaaaaaaayyyy better if I could make the music to put the words to myself.

what I found out recently is that making basic hiphop beats is actually really fucking easy. it took me years to work out exactly what was going on but now i know i'm kind of sad. it needs some sound engineering stuff but overall is not the hardest thing. here's how it goes:

1. sample drum loop. use one from 101breaks.zip if you're lazy or experimenting.
2. cut the drum loop off halfway through by restarting it. you can use other bits of the loop too but this is the easiest way. cutting off at awkward places sounds bad so try to sync tempo and experiment.
3. some samples or whatever that play when the loops restarts (corresponds with kick placement because kick is usually on the 1)
4. bolster the kick sounds with some other samples, layering.
5. sound processing, arrangement, some mix ups with other drum samples maybe?
6. congratulations super producer.

obviously hiphop production as a whole is much more diverse / interesting / difficult than this, but if i wanted to make a generic beat for freestyle practice, i think this would be good enough.

oh also there's instrumental albums and mixtapes out there because where else do mixtape rappers jack the latest just blaze tracks.

I've just finished my exams. I was so exhausted when I sat my last one this morning that it felt like being drunk and I had to pause and stare real hard at the page before any of the words and symbols became comprehensible at all. Looking forward to a week of waking up in the middle of the night and going UGH CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT ONE OUT but right now regret is a luxury reserved for people who still have functioning brains!!! i'm an amoeba, i'm pre-cambrian... i'm a tremor... my entire nervous system is just an enormous balloon on the side of my head that inflates real big to spell out the words  O H   W E L L  in the presence of danger + big bees...

I have a size 11 asshole from the exam I just walked out of. 5 exams in 4 days... in engineering!? Are they taking the piss? I'm paying to get qualifications not a nervous breakdown!

my friend finished her final yesterday, I got another week and half until my final assessment, yet my show space is nowhere near finished and I'm having major depressive low lately.
Pisses me off, I help everybody build their spaces, yet had to like build walls for my space on my own, and sand the boards and grrrrrrrrrrr

So, what's the first thing you guys do in the morning immediately after having a shower? If your answer is anything but "put a family-sized pizza into the oven", you probably aren't my brother!!

So, what's the first thing you guys do in the morning immediately after having a shower? If your answer is anything but "put a family-sized pizza into the oven", you probably aren't my brother!!

replace the pizza with cooking and eating a steak first thing in the morning and erase any mention of showering ever and you've got MY brother

lol your bro owns

I know you hate your brother Vellfire but I'm sorry, that does kinda sound awesome (minus the never showering ever bit.)

i mean i know there's breakfast-appropriate steak but his is nothin' but barbecue sauces and ketchup and shit first thing in the morning this is such a terrible breakfast

I love a big juicy sausage at breakfast time. #tobiasposting

Been lying awake shitting myself over my degree average so I finally made myself work it out and it seems I would have to do reeeeealy badly in these exams to not get my required grade. They have gone pretty terribly though