Hi friends.

I've been thinking of making a topic here about this for a while, like as in the last time I got sober. I didn't, it seemed too indulgent and maybe even embarrassing; who wants to hear about my self-control issues, etc. Well, I'm not gonna be negative about it, and I don't feel as if I am getting in anybody's way by making a topic about it, so here it is. I don't know if anyone else here has the same problem as I do, well actually I do, but I don't know if anyone else would be interested in talking about it.

AA is difficult for me to really get into, and maybe that sounds like an excuse to just half-ass it here, but it isn't meant to be. I'm not looking to half-ass it, I'm looking for something that can help sustain my efforts to not have the shitlife. I can't get on with the higher power stuff - and they are big on this, it's a central idea to this 12 step thing. Some people I have talked to at meetings seem to think you can get by ignoring it, but if you are ignoring such a central idea to the program then really all AA meetings are is a bunch of people sitting around talking about their alcoholism. And maybe that works - I'm going to give it another shot, among other things. The thing is I couldn't really feel that instant identification thing, beyond the 'hey, i drink and can't stop, too!'.

So there are clinics and I went to one today - that is what I was doing at the start of the year and having some success. I signed up for some counseling, and some medication called acamprosate. All of this is free, so if it is actually kind of useless, then no big deal, but also even if it wasn't free, I would try anything at this point.

So anyway, I feel like I have been an especially big shit around here lately, embarrassing myself and saying I don't know what to people. I know I've been around a lot, but I've barely been lucid in weeks. The plan is for that to be over now, and I'm not beating myself up over it, but I am sorry for being a drunken mess around here and if I have come off as just very lame, I can do better. I guess also this topic is partly an explanation for my generally crud personality lately, which I'd rather acknowledge and move on from than start talking like normal all of a sudden.

I might update this topic every so often with how long I've managed to stay sober for, unless I end up getting ashamed of the topic, or if it annoys people to have a topic like this floating around. I'm trying things, is all.

I mean I could post this on some abstinence forum but I don't really know them and they are all kind of lame people, besides this one thing which I have in common with them. I'll go to meetings and stuff but I thought maybe it would help me to know people I know and like are sometimes reading this or saying something.

I know this might sound ignorant depending on what kind of situation you're in but have you ever tried replacing alcohol with something else to help you wing yourself off of it or keep your mind off of it? I have a few friends with substance abuse problems but they're usually from pain killers and thats what they do. I guess it depends on why you drink though.

through the years I've come to figure that most everyone's got to find a way to deal with life or escape it in some fashion. so in my opinion everyone indulges too much or more than usual in something or another from religious faith to heroin or cigarettes. I guess what I'm trying to suggest is finding something else to substitute your desire to drink? maybe some kind of field of study or hobby or other less threatening substances (marijuana) to keep you busy or in another state of mind to keep you away from it?

Self control is discipline and reasoning. You just have to be very strict with yourself and think about the effect of your decisions. I'm scared of getting addicted to stuff I don't like the thought of anyone or anything having control over my actions other than me. Thats why if I decide I want to drink/snort coke/eat pills or what the fuck for awhile I limit how much and how frequently I do it, because of that fear and knowing that shits nothing to fuck around with. I also go out four a month at a time and am forced to be stone sober so that might have something to do with it too.

Best of luck with your problem though. I understand how that stuff can be really hard. Also I can see how AA wouldn't be useful for you. They pump alot of shit in your head trying to get you to overcome your addictions and it all sounds really self righteous and preachy to me. I can see how some people need that, but I don't think its very useful to our lot.

good luck. I have no idea how any of this feels.

this is actually turning out to be more difficult than i expected it to be, at least in these early days, because usually i'm so repelled by the idea i don't even think about drinking for at least a few days afterwards. i think it's because i'm living totally alone, and i have nothing pressing on me to be on my best behaviour. just my own choices of what to do with my days and nights. it's very tempting. i'm gonna buzz out on coffee and play videogames or something for a while until shops close because this feeling hasn't really gone away yet.

I quit back in December of 2006 and haven't touched a drop of liquor since, despite the fact that I still keep bottles of whiskey and rum in the house.

I had a bad experience where I ended up having to drive home after going to bar with my bandmates, all the while alternately suffering from sporadic blackouts and hallucinations. I promised myself that if I made it home safely, which seemed rather unlikely at the time, I wouldn't ever do that to myself again. As it turned out, I had actually caught a terrible case of the flu, but I didn't notice that I felt bad until it was too late thanks to the alcohol in my system.

Not drinking, I realized that my whole concept of what alcohol was and what it did for me was not my own. It was built off books/movies/etc. Have a bad break up? Well, grab a bottle of 151 and rip through it in an hour or two - that'll cure you. No, it wont. Ooh, a bunch of guys are drinking, I have to drink the most and show that I'm still able to walk around on my own, because I'm the big man on campus. Who gives a shit? The ability to hold one's liquor is not really one of the filters for success.

Why did I drink then? Was it to fit in? Maybe at first. My first bottle of whiskey came on a school trip, because I was placed in a class with all older kids and they wanted to try getting drunk. I wanted to show them that I could drink just as much as they could, that I was just as strong, whatever. Did they respect me more because I could kill a bottle and still walk and talk straight? No, they just bitched at me for drinking so much on my own. But, it seemed like fun. I was hanging out with these older kids, and we all had this thing in common. Later on, I was the one who got my own peer group started on booze, using connections to make sure we never wanted for liquor during school trips.

I guess it was mostly a macho thing. Guys have to drink, and they have to be able to drink like champs. I really fell into that for a while. I will admit to something as stupid as saying "Well, I better catch up," before chugging half a bottle of Jack when a friend at a party told me I was falling behind.

It was just the expected thing. It got worse when I got into my punk band. I'd actually been 'quit' before, but started up again because of all the time we spent hanging out with the local sharps. It is nigh impossible to go to a skinhead/oi punk show and NOT drink (though I later figured it out).

Anyway, through not drinking I realized that I didn't really have any reason TO drink in the first place. I was only doing something that was expected of me. I was just copying a behavior that really had no meaning to me. Alcohol never gave me something that I didn't already have, except for a few headaches; it was just an excuse. Basically, all it did was remove control. Why would I want to be at the mercy of some foreign chemical? Why should I do something that has a proven negative effect on my health and body?

I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to get drunk again, though my resolve did come close to fraying a couple times.

Of course, a little bit of o.c.d. helps here. Early on, I was tempted to drink with my friends/bandmates, but what kept me clean was the fact that I was building a streak. I guess I'm lucky in that respect; if I can go without something for about two weeks, I don't really care about it anymore.

Once or twice since, especially during a crumbling relationship, I've been tempted. It usually only went as far as opening a bottle and smelling the stuff before I realize that I'm just playing a role - replicating a pointless behavior I've seen.

The last time I ALMOST lapsed turned into a big help to me. I was really depressed about stupid shit (girl trouble), and had pretty much made my mind up that I needed a drink. It wasn't about feeling better, I just wanted to destroy something and I was the only one there so I figured, why the hell not? I put the bottle to my lips and started to tilt it up, but as soon as I felt the first kiss of liquid, I jerked my head away and spat just to make sure I didn't actually get any into my mouth. I didn't even think about it, it was just an automatic reaction.

Since that night, even when things turned incredibly bad (almost losing my home, family health issues, job issues, etc), I haven't even been TEMPTED. There is no point even playing around. When it came time to put up or shut up, I made my choice.

Calling it a sickness, blaming it on genetics, fine... whatever works. To me, it comes down to a binary decision. You either do something, or you don't. I wouldn't actually consider myself an alcoholic, but then again that might just be my inherent resistance to labels. For me it never felt like a sickness or a biological drive, it was just a poor decision that I made at the time. It just isn't who I am anymore.

My case was a bit different, but I do believe that support is very important. Since I quit, I've helped a couple friends to deal with their issues. I'm the person that they can call at whatever ungodly hour just to help talk them down. There is no legitimate reason to get drunk.

I think finding a replacement activity for drinking is a good step, but I wouldn't recommend anything like marijuana. I've watched a a couple people go through the cycle of trading one addiction for another, and another, and so on. Relying on ANY substance is destructive.