Ok, last time I started a topic on how to effectivly hide somthing from the reader but still make it obvious, I have an idea on how to do that, I'm going to lead them by the nose by pointing out somthing that is true but not the whole truth but I'm gonna draw attention to the half truth by putting it in fairly early into the story and being subtle about it by making it not a major thing but point it out every now and then.
But that's not what I'm on about this time, what I want is your opinion on a small segment I wrote already, is it crap? Good? Novel like? Or downright painfull?
What I'm most interested in is your opnion on the writing style of the segmant (and thus overall work).
Also, any words surrounded un a square bracket [like ][/like] is Genma in panda form using signs to communicate.

It was cloudy dreary day, the skies emptying themselves onto the landscape of concrete and metal, a manmade jungle to be sure, the jungle of Nerima. Those without means to prevent a soaking scurried along from one cubby hole to the next, trying to keep from getting wet; the lucky people who had umbrellas were able to see a rather strange sight.
A young man dashed across the walkway, shadowed from above by an umbrella and yet not once getting wet despite the speed of movement; stranger then was the panda following, trying to knock the umbrella out of the young man’s hand. It was a dance, one moved and the other reacted in a strange symbiosis of movement.
A punch, a kick, a block, for obviously they were not dancing but fighting; it was still strange though, after all, wouldn’t a panda fight with kung fu instead of kenpo? At least that’s what most of the audience viewing the scene thought. It would seem then that the people who lived here were at least somewhat used to strange occurrences, instead unperturbed that a panda and man are in fact fighting in the first place.
“I still think It stinks” the man cried “choosing a fiancée for me, I’m supposed to be a man aren’t I?” As strange as it was for the man to start yelling at the panda, it didn’t prepare them for its reply, [it’s for family Honour!] the panda flipped the sign it was holding [you will do as you are told]. The man obviously didn’t like that, evidenced by the fist in the panda’s face. “Suck on that old man, I’m going back to china” the man was about to turn around and run off when the panda shoved a sign in his face [I thought you were a man] the panda flipped the sign yet again [are you going to prove me wrong?]. The man growled at the panda and then his face became downcast, “fine pop, yah win, let’s go meet that friend o’yours”. With that the man and the panda walked away leaving a large number of nonplussed people; after a few moments,  the people walked on deciding that there were important things to worry about then and a man and his panda.
 

p.s. I'm well aware that fanfiction is reguarded by a lot of writers as being low or trash or somthing, If your going to post about that, don't, as I just lampshaded it, thus making mention of that fact, moot point

too small

... it shouldn't have been that small... meh, any way, is that better?

My advice is KISS especially in the action scene, the words were slowing them down.

But how do I be descriptive if I have to simplyfy it? Besides, I'm not sure what would need to be changed inorder to make it simple without changing what's actually written.

I'm no expert but this is some rough editing which may or may not be better.

It was cloudy dreary day,
-"It was a dreary cloudy day." There are rules in the ordering of adjectives.

the skies emptying themselves onto the landscape of concrete and metal, a manmade jungle to be sure, the jungle of Nerima. Those without means to prevent a soaking scurried along from one cubby hole to the next, trying to keep from getting wet; the lucky people who had umbrellas were able to see a rather strange sight.
-skies emptied.
-Hmm, second sentence is too wordy imo.
"Those caught defenseless by the rain (It didn't occur to me that it was raining the first time I read it) scurried along from one cubby hole to another while the lucky people carrying umbrellas were piqued by a rather strange sight."

shadowed from above by an umbrella and yet not once getting wet despite the speed of movement;
-I see what's going on here as I had the same problem when I started writing. This may hurt our egos a bit but sometimes the way we structure sentence, while it may seem stylistic actually is sacrifice for clarity when others read our writing.
"A young man carrying an umbrella dashed swiftly across the walkway, not once letting a teardrop touch him."

A punch, a kick, a block,
-staccato is a perfect substitute.
"Punch. Kick. Block."

It would seem then that the people who lived here were at least somewhat used to strange occurrences, instead unperturbed that a panda and man are in fact fighting in the first place.
"It would seem then that the people who lived here were used to strange occurrences, unperturbed that a panda and man are fighting in the first place."


“I still think It stinks” the man cried “choosing a fiancée for me, I’m supposed to be a man aren’t I?”
(As strange as it was for the man to start yelling at the panda, it didn’t prepare them for its reply,)<-remove this it's slows down the action.
some edit you may or may not like:

[it’s ][/it’s] the panda replied through a sign board  then flipped it.
[you ][/you].

(The man obviously didn’t like that, evidenced by the fist in the panda’s face.) <-replace with "the young man punched him obviously not liking what the panda said" or something to that effect.

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You could rewrite almost all the sentences and I swear it'd be better. You don't have to be descriptive at everything.

The young man inhaled a handful of oxygen before kicking with his toes which were inside a black shoe flinging his body to the air while tilting his head to take a peek of the panda after him.

The panda took a wide step then a left step then a smaller right step. Inhale through the nostrils. The young man simultaneously exhaled through his mouth. The panda then rotated his shoulder axially to lift the weapon he uses which is a signboard made from mahogany by slaves of the king of egypt to hit the young man who is a meter above the ground.

There's a fine line where it would seem pretentious and annoying. I'm not saying you can't experiment with words and make it as you want it but it's a skill to take into account the impression it will make to the audience who are reading it for the first time.

Also you're writing action so the pacing needs to be fast. yes, the length of the words determines pacing as well. You could say.

"He inhaled. ' I don't like it pop.' his eyes staring at the panda's with ominous intent. He then lifted his hand with the umbrella and threw it off the ground as the water form heaven drown him in his form which was ready to fight."

You could be descriptive on slow actions or dramatic scenes.

However I got the idea that your action scene was supposed to be fast so:

“I still think it stinks,” the man cried, “choosing a fiancée for me? I’m supposed to be a man aren’t I?"

The panda lifted his signboard [it’s for family Honour!] then flipped it, [you will do as you are told].  The young man immediately punched him as a reply.
“Suck on that old man, I’m going back to china.”
The man was about to turn around and run off when the panda shoved a sign in his face. [I thought you were a man] the panda flipped the sign yet again [are you going to prove me wrong?]. The man stopped for a moment then growled at the panda. His face then became downcast. <-that's your chance to be descriptive.
“Fine pop, yah win, let’s go meet that friend o’yours”.
With that the man and the panda walked away leaving a large number of people nonplussed whom after a few moments, went on with their business. There were more  things to worry about than a fight between a man and a panda.

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anyway all this typing is shoddy and stuff but I hope you get the main idea. Rewriting is the most important part of writing. I hope you could finish the work as the premise seems pretty cool.

You've given me a lot to think about, I think I will re-write what I have till it comes out good and then stick to that style. Thing is though I'm trying at add a little bit of comedy, not in the story but in the style becuase the series I'm basing my fanfiction on is a comedy; but since my fanfiction is more serious then silly I wanted to keep some conection to the series's routes, even if that only came in stylisticly instead of in the story.
Still, if I'm going to write a serious story then I guess I need to get rid of the comedy except at context apropriate parts like a the characters are watching a comedy show or somthing funny happens.
 
If you'd like i could send you my rough (really rough) plan of events? It's rough becuase i'm not going to go into details, only that they occur but give me legroom to work around it, this way i can still have plot threads that fit together but without it all seeming to be planed out, that and no dues ex machina (hate that) i want all plot threads to tie up properly and reasonably.

I think it's better not to show it to anyone when it's just in outline form, it's ok to trust your instincts when writing the first drafts.

Also, I find this blog to be really helpful:
http://writebadlywell.blogspot.com/

It's funny and I'm sure everyone will learn a thing or two from reading the articles there.

Sample Article:

The ending should have a twist... or should it?

Sarah sank into an armchair and let out a satisfied sigh. It was good to be home. As remarkable as it seemed, the house was just as she’d left it, all those weeks ago. Or if there were differences, they were small things – a layer of dust on the furniture, a pile of unopened letters in the hallway, the gentle click of a pistol being cocked. Wait, what?
‘Get down on the floor!’ screamed the masked gunman, kicking open the kitchen door. ‘Face down! Face down!’ Sarah hesitated for a moment.
‘Freddie?’ she said. ‘Freddie, is that you?’ The gunman froze.
‘No,’ he said.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Sarah. ‘I thought we were a team.’
‘We were,’ whispered Freddie. ‘But that was before...’ He reached up to his face and gripped his mask. Sarah braced herself. ‘Before...’ He pulled aside the fabric. Sarah couldn’t look. ‘Before this,’ he said, throwing the mask to the floor. ‘Look at me, Sarah. Look at what you’ve done to me.’ She slowly raised her eyes to his. A second passed. ‘You did this, Sarah,’ he said. ‘You gave me this big smile by being so lovely.’ Sarah grinned back at him.
‘You big silly,’ she said. ‘You had me worried there.’
‘Worried? He laughed. ‘What could there possibly be to worry about? It’s all safe again. We won, Sarah.’
‘I think you mean I won,’ said Sarah, turning into a werewolf which she had been all along and eating him.

Forget what you’re doing halfway through a sentence

He opened the door and got into the car engine shuddered into life and the vehicle lurched down the driveway. He knew it was only a matter of time was against him and he had to do something had to be done. If there was one thing he knew for sure as he could be under the circumstances were against him, he thought with a grim smile formed on his face the facts.
Suddenly, the car jolted the car. He hadn’t been watching the road came to an abrupt stop in front of him was a barrier across the road came to an abrupt stop. It was too late to slow down into the ravine below the car was a deep ravine. He jammed his foot on the brakes weren’t working. With a screeching metal screech of metal screeched as he flew into the darkness opened and swallowed him.
He screamed, ‘Nooooo!’ he screamed. His life was flashing before he even had time to think about what he had done with his life was flashing before his eyes filled with tears of regretted so many things he regretted in his life was flashing before his eyes had time to close his eyes filled with tears in his eyes closed.

Skip blithely between tenses

I sit at my desk with my head in my hands and sighed. It is only three days until the deadline, I think, and I’m going to have had to finished everything before then. If only I have finish this now, I thought and lean back on my chair. Just then, the phone has rung. I am answering it.
‘Hello?’ I am going to have said. It is my boss; he was angry, but not as angry as I remember him being when I am handing in the work late, four days from now.
‘Is this work going to have been finished when it is currently the deadline which, at present, is in the future?’ he demanded. ‘I am planning to have been waiting for it, as I presently am.’