this is what i had to do with caffeine basically.  like, i was ridiculously addicted to caffeine, i drank several mountain dews a day for like MOST OF MY LIFE so if i didn't start my day with some sorta caffeine i'd get ridiculously sick and have headaches and be puking.  it's really gross looking back on that and thinking "that is literally how your body was wired".  i basically just stopped cold-turkey and spent a week feeling like total shit and spent at least another week or two having no energy.  i would wake up, have breakfast, take a long nap, eat something else, be awake for a few, then go to sleep.  it was awful, but it was pretty much the only way that i was able to do it.  luckily it was summer vacation so i didn't have to really DO anything during that time.

(just so you know i'm not comparing the severity of caffeine addiction to alcohol/cigarrettes/etc., just that if you have a big block of time in which you can let yourself deal with withdrawal without having to do anything important it is a godsend)

this is what i had to do with caffeine basically.  like, i was ridiculously addicted to caffeine, i drank several mountain dews a day for like MOST OF MY LIFE so if i didn't start my day with some sorta caffeine i'd get ridiculously sick and have headaches and be puking.  it's really gross looking back on that and thinking "that is literally how your body was wired".  i basically just stopped cold-turkey and spent a week feeling like total shit and spent at least another week or two having no energy.  i would wake up, have breakfast, take a long nap, eat something else, be awake for a few, then go to sleep.  it was awful, but it was pretty much the only way that i was able to do it.  luckily it was summer vacation so i didn't have to really DO anything during that time.

(just so you know i'm not comparing the severity of caffeine addiction to alcohol/cigarrettes/etc., just that if you have a big block of time in which you can let yourself deal with withdrawal without having to do anything important it is a godsend)

this is what i had to do with caffeine basically.  like, i was ridiculously addicted to caffeine, i drank several mountain dews a day for like MOST OF MY LIFE so if i didn't start my day with some sorta caffeine i'd get ridiculously sick and have headaches and be puking.  it's really gross looking back on that and thinking "that is literally how your body was wired".  i basically just stopped cold-turkey and spent a week feeling like total shit and spent at least another week or two having no energy.  i would wake up, have breakfast, take a long nap, eat something else, be awake for a few, then go to sleep.  it was awful, but it was pretty much the only way that i was able to do it.  luckily it was summer vacation so i didn't have to really DO anything during that time.

(just so you know i'm not comparing the severity of caffeine addiction to alcohol/cigarrettes/etc., just that if you have a big block of time in which you can let yourself deal with withdrawal without having to do anything important it is a godsend)

No, I think the comparison is apt, stimulant addiction is super real and can fuck you up. My mom had the same problem with caffeine, it got to the point where she had high blood pressure problems, it's hard too because you basically rely on it to function. I have a similar problem with caffeine, I lose sleep because of and it can't be good for my health.

Yeah, when I went to Iceland I didn't have easy access to tons of soda (and I don't like coffee) so I had to literally take excedrin migraine every day to keep from being sick.  Again the effect isn't nearly as bad as tobacco or alcohol but it does still interfere with your life.

Like, I know that I'm really, REALLY unable to stop myself from indulging in things, I have no dang impulse control, and this is why I refuse to start doing any sorts of substances.  I mean, I feel like I'm some sort of baby for this, but I've never had a drink of alcohol in my life.  I'm literally afraid to, because I know that I have a personality that would very very easily lead to substance abuse.

Kind of early in the day (3am) but 21 days today.

This might sound without the scope of this topic but I just had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend where I said everything I know deep down is the right thing to say. I've been desperately trying to get her back after breaking up with her twice and treating her like shit, including badmouthing her around here multiple times, and she just wasn't having it this time. We were together for three and a half years. It's the only meaningful relationship I've had outside of my family.

She's seeing someone else now, and I told her I hope she will be happy and that I'm sorry for all the stuff I've done. I told her she helped me learn how to be a better person, and that I'll always care about her, but I can finally try to do what I should have done a long time ago and let her be. She's a real sweetheart kind of person, this lady, she puts herself through some shit and deserves as much peace as she can get.

Anyway, this is very difficult for me to maintain, but I'm not drinking, so I can handle it. I can help the part of me which wants her to be happy grow and just focus on getting myself straight and building a good life for me, rather than trying to control someone else. She didn't let me anyway, she's grown up.

I think I'm going to be alone for a while. That's just going to have to be okay. There isn't any good way to dump all this stuff I'm dealing with on another person. Plus, I don't think I'm really capable of being a good  person to be around just yet, but I think this is the way to get there.

I'm more talking about coming to terms with the control issues I had, and this concept of letting other people be happy even when it isn't exactly convenient for me. I'm not saying I want to be alone, but I recognise that at this point in my life it might not be the worst thing to have to confront this stuff by myself without using human shields against my own issues. I mean for me that all relates to drinking as well - it's a deeply integrated system of flaws I've let build up. It'll take a long time to sort this fucker out!

you better not be drinking

you better not be drinking

nope

all that stuff is progressive. i get shakes occasionally about a day after a long binge, and they last about 12 hours or so. it gets longer and more fucked up. i started getting certain symptoms which i knew were to come. i didn't get them all, those would be what developed next if i started drinking again.

we're talking painful diarrhea for like 4 days afterwards. as in afraid to fall asleep lying in certain positions that might...facilitate it. apparently it all gets a lot worse.


but whatever - 26 days, i'm still relatively healthy/robust. i'm fine, and there's no reason i can't stay that way.

Well, 30 days. I guess that's one of the milestones. I've done it before - not too often, but it'll be 60 days when I am entering a stretch I haven't managed before. I feel very little temptation to drink, but it is not fun being fully aware how miserable and empty I have let and forced my life to become. Fuck this shit, I'm never putting myself in this position again. The most social activity I can muster is simply going to an AA meeting, and after that I wandered around the university library for 15 minutes by myself then gave up and came home. Stopping is easy. I can barely withstand this constant loneliness.

I've got the hope it isn't just something about me that makes people not want to be around me, but the megaton wart of active drinking that has so totally alienated me. I mean, I'm not seeing nothing but years of this ahead, I know this is most likely temporary. It's still really hard. I lost someone really important over this, but besides that I wish I had other people in my life, anyway. I'm volunteering, going to meetings, trying to work and trying to be interesting again. Hopefully things will pick up some momentum in the new year, but it's going to be a long fucking christmas break.

I think I might have to quit going online the way I do.

Quit everything!

Join social clubs and sports teams or whatever you are interested in, perhaps that will help?

Oh, yeah these are the obvious and good ideas. It's a bad time of year for that because of the holidays, but I'll be doing all that when everyone comes back to Glasgow and things are open again. I'm still at the point where if there aren't things organised outside of myself that I can just go to then, well, I don't really have anything social I can do. I'm not freaking out about it too much now, cos I can't expect this all to happen at once. 33 days is cool but it isn't a long time to build a social life from scratch. I need to force myself to become more outgoing though, which is a good thing for me, because I've always really rested in my shell even though I knew it wasn't comfort but some kind of shyness and insecurity keeping me there.

Still going to meetings, enjoying them, everything is going well. I joined the gym the other day - I always hear that as advice and I know it's something I wouldn't mind picking up as a hobby, as well. I won't post so often in this topic just with updates about that now, and I'm sure everyone will become very aware very quickly if I was to backslide, so everyone can rest their sweet heads knowing old slimebag is probably doing just fine.