But anyways, heres a recall of my life from about April to Augest.
It all started out when I wasn't doing very well in school. I was smoking dope all the time, being late, and just not showing up. I had a talk with the VP many times, and was given several warnings and eventually suspensions. At this point in my life i felt like I didn't really give a fuck. So one thing led to another, I got kicked out of the house and moved in with a friend. I planned on getting my own place and getting my high school through correspondents. Thait didn't work out, and I ended up going back home. I had a meeting with the VP once again with my parents. She decided that I was best suited for an alternative education program known as SALEB.
SALEB is a program where you go to work instead of school, basically. I was lucky enough that my dad's work was looking for somebody. The job was a scrapyard worker, and my dad was one of the fore-mans. So it began, instead of going to school I was a little minion to the scrapyard environment. Busting my ass, doing shitty and tough work, and I grew to enjoy it. While earning money for myself I also was earning 4 credits that I would otherwise be missing out on. I got more in shape, made new friends, and starting feeling good about life.
Then came the paycheques. At first I'd go chill with my group of friends and get them all fucked up. But a recent trend was going around.. that was ecstasy. I tried it out my first few times, and fucking..loved it. Soon I was buying more and more amounts, and getting fucked on like 2 pills or so at a time.
Now, there was my usual groups of friend's I usually get fucked up with, as well as other peoples houses I could go to. But one of my friend's in particular, I started chilling with more and more. He wasn't very close, but I kept getting paid every two weeks and every weekend I ended up going to go chill with him and his girlfriend and maybe a few friends here and there. I made the mistake of always supplying a certain amount, which then grew to supplying completely to them all the time. The drugs made us riduculouslly close, and we felt as if we were the best friends ever.
Gaining that new "best friend", we began to chill every day pretty much. I lost touch with all my other friends, and exclusively went to go hang out with him. We got fucked up, many a time, on ecstasy. Eventually, we starting taken more. and more. Especially me. I spiraled out of control. I started taking 3 at a time, then 5 at a time, 7 at time.. etc. MY average at this point was probably 5 at a time ten whatever i felt like I needed.
I would go weekends where I'd get all fucked up on Friday, then be coming down on Saturday and try to regain energy on Sunday. This happened for a while and I couldn't really function for monday's work. I started being late for work, and missing mondays even. Then I progressed even further. I would take many pills on a friday night.. maybe 7 or so.. then stay up and the next day while coming down try to prevent it by taking more and more. This made me consistanly late and absent from work on mondays.. to say wendsdays.
One weekend it seemed to spiral out of control. I took 16 pill in one night, with that friend, and the next day stayed up and took 4 more at my other friend's house, who I rarely visited anymore. This day in particular was quite memorable. I basically sat in my other buddie's house, tripping out and chillen out and feeling basically like a huge drug addict. Some of the pills I had taken contained acid in them, so I saw various colour distortions on the walls and such. I did not feel high. I felt horrible. Then nightfall came, and I felt like I wasn't high and needed sleep. So I tell my friend I'm off to bed.
Then shit started fucking with my brain. This is the one night I will never forget. I laid down in my friend guestroom, staring off into space wondering if I could sleep. I stared over at his lightswitch, which was lite up by a night lightish sort of thing. It began to move back and forth, slowly. I fucking lost it. I got up, lit my lighter to check this out. Seeing as things were normal, my brain didnt so much agree with me. It was this point in the night I started feeling very very confused in the head. For some reason, I believe it was a number of my friends playing a joke on me, trying to trip me out or some shit. At one point I even convinced myself that they had a camera hidden in the lightswitch, and were watching my every move.
I then started to belive that they were all in the other room, with my friend, joking and luaghing about the whole thing and talking about how stupid I am. I felt so alienated and betrayed, and couldn't believe what I thought (Although I did.) I went back into my friend's room to find that it was just him in there, chilling out. I told him that I was trippin hard, and had to leave. Not too sure he believed me, but agrreed. I left his house, and felt good after going outside for some fresh air. Then things started getting stranger. After a while I was walking down the street and I thought all of my co workers were somehow following me and saying nasty things about me. As in.. "You're a piece of shit"...."You're a useless lazy fuck and cant work"... and I honestly believed this was going on.
The further I got to my house, the more I started tripping. I seen many, many horrible visualzations that to this day I cannot fully remember, but were horrifying. Some of the things I remeber were seeing figures out on the street, that when I would look at morph back into the background. And every fear that I somehow thought of in this fearful state would in my kind come true. As in, I would think of somebody running up to me and jumping me, then I would clearly hear footstep coming towards me as if somebody were. I tried to hold out and convince myself that I was trippin, but in my state of mind it wasn't very easy. I would describe this as a very horrifying panic attack.
When I got home, I went straight to my room and sat on y bed for any a hour, still tripping balls. Eventually I came to the conclusion that all the people I ever knew in my life, had me tied down in a room and where teaching me a lesson. I would hear voices from the many people I would see from day to day, and were all telling me what a horrible person I was. Laying down, I felt as if my heart was soon going to explode and could not try to sleep. But I soon convinced myself I was all imagining this. I remember staying up till the morning, were I still had slight visual and audio hallucinations. I somehow managed to sleep afterwards...
Some of my friends did not believe my account the next day. They said nobody could trip like that on just ecstasy. But I knew what had happened, and it stuck with me since. I went to work on monday, competely not ready to work. I felt like.. SHIT. I tried to pick up the chopsaw and cut some various things, but every time I stood up again I had an instenese blued vision headrush. I had to call it quits and ask to go home. At this point I had already done this so many times, and they had enough of me. My dad confronted me and I told him everything. I was fired, and I went into a deep stage of depression.
This was summer. I went through each day, no matter what... very very bored and not knowing what I would do. It basically ruined my summer and I was still fighting to stop doing ecstacy. I just never really felt like myself.
But I guess eventually, started coming back to myself and began living a normal life again. This was maybe a month or so ago.
I'm sick of typing fuck but thats pretty much it.
Gaming World Forums
The Burned Out Loser Thread