Sex. It's not something us gamers are particularly familiar with; most of us loathe and shun the concept of meeting REAL people in REAL life. As such it's not something that we particularly understand and we fear it greatly.

Yesterday the UK magazine PC Zone decided to put it's foot down and make a stand against the impure heathens tainting the land in the well known sex-simulator Second Life. Several of the editors rounded up members of the community, myself included, we donned our radiation suits and departed for what was to be a rollercoaster ride of furries, giant pink penises and lusty dancers on tiki beaches.

I'm sincerely hoping that NONE of you are familiar with the 'character creation' in second life, so let me walk it through you a little. You get to pick a first name of your choice and the game presents you with a pregenerated list of surnames to pick from. Oddly one of these is 'Gay' and within minutes Impretty Gay, the giant rabid bible-spouting furry was stepping foot into the world.

I've been in second life once before, and I can honestly say it's the absolute fucking worst 'game' I've ever played, if you can even call it that. Everyone else that's 'played' it with me agrees. The camera is terrible, the controls are worse and there's nothing you can actually DO in it, short of flying over to sandbox island and making giant penis-shooting cannons, so that's what we did whilst we waited for the bulk of the protest to arrive. 'Log', the PC Zone editor primarily organising it, had already created us a bunch of placards to carry whilst walking around in order to give our protest more power. Needless to say, me being me, I got a bit carried away.



Then we did some stuff which none of you care about to pass the time until the full force arrived, and soon we were raiding protesting in our first destination. Time to hit 'Sexy Tiki Beach'. At first it began with us screaming our god-given words at the half naked ladies pole dancing on the beach, and ordering them to put some clothes on (and head back to the kitchen to make us dinner), and soon we had a strangely large crowd of nymphomaniacs staring at the various furries and priests covered in placards yelling abuse at them. Surprisingly we didn't get banned (at this point), and soon someone found out the item in the beach that got us DANCING FOR JESUS! You'll notice my character has become considerably chubbier and you can actually read the signs in this screenshot.



The protest was in full swing! We thought we had them now, but sadly our message was falling upon deaf ears, and soon it became apparant that they only understand the language of loooove. Somehow one of the other PC Zone editors had a supply of giant pink cocks to hand and had pre-equipped us with the tools for this task. We all became huge dancing hypocrites for the lulz in order to get attention and sell our message to the people.



Unsurprisingly this garnered even more attention from the local mexican dancers, and we desperately tried to carry on the march despite all the abuse and threats of banning that were hurled in our direction. Sadly, they eventually got tired and one of the naked admins ejected us all from Sexy Tiki Beach, never to return. Our message had been heard, we rejoiced in the name of the Lord. A few other locations were picked to protest in, but none really had the impact or the fun of the tiki beach affair, except for our final destination in Sexy Toy Shop, or whatever the hell it was called.

Again, for those of you (everyone) that haven't played second life, you can't 'do' animations with actions like most games; animations are defined by scripts in objects, and interacting with these objects make you do the assigned animation. I'll let you guess what sort of clickable animations are setup in a sex shop. Sadly the sight of priests and giant furries in all these various poses was far too hilarious to ignore, and soon the protest had degenerated from a holy crusade against the filthy sinners into a giant sex orgy and we realised we too had succumbed to the Second Life Virus™. There's no pictures of this point because the walls were literally plastered with various porno pictures and videos, and we here at GW don't like that sorta thing do we! Oh no, we don't.



And that about sums up my sexy adventure in second life. Got any tales of your (mis)adventures in Second life? Or god-forbid one of you actually ENJOYS the..program? Then leave a comment and we'll flame you as soon as we can!

Rofl what, they charge you to DELETE accounts?