So it's the exam season. My next one is on Tuesday morning, it's the last exam out of 8. I am certain that I have failed most of my exams this year and the reasons for this have all added together.

I had glandular fever last year and that's given me some sort of weakness for depression and consequently I have become a massive downer. I have put little or no effort into any of my work in university and now I am paying the price. Time after time I will speak on the phone with my mother and she will tell me that I should quit university. This is particularly disheartening.

I put too much of my time into my girlfriend and now I have left her becuase she selfishly made me feel worse and worse. She's one of those people who pulls you down. I can see some reply ranting about what an asshole I am for leaving my girl but then you don't know the whole story I guess. It's pretty deep. I upset her once and she cut herself up over it and things weren't the same after that. I don't think I've been the same since the day I discovered she'd done that.

It's midnight now and I've just turned 21. What a great way to turn 21. I feel like the biggest piece of shit failure that ever lived and I don't know what I am going to do with my life. It's hard to understand the mental mechanics behind things but I have a really strong desire to just take my own life and end it all right now but this just provokes and endless loop of thoughts of what it would do to my sister, my mum, my dad, my sister and so on.

I've tried anti depressants and they just really fucked things up for me. When I came off them they messed up my sex life too which was very strange, unexpected and I wasn't told about this when they put me on them!

I guess I need some advice as to what to do with myself. I posted it here because it's not a farewell (I hope) and I don't think it's particularly general. I'm a bit of a livejournal case without a livejournal so help me out here. I need a change of lifestyle and I am unsure of which course of action to take.

Well man, it is a good chance to sit down and rethink things. And not like HOW SHOULD I KILL MYSELF. I mean like, you failed, okay, everyone does at some point. The key here is what would it take for you to be happy? Are you learning what you want to learn? Are you looking down the line at a job you think you will enjoy doing or are you enjoying your job right now? Do you have problems with your friends? Your family? Yourself? Well what are these problems and how can you address them. I would recommend seeing a psychologist, but they are not always as helpful if you can clearly think about things on your own. I would recommend talking to your parents if you have not already. The most important part is to separate your thoughts into emotional and logical. Take a step back and say WHY AM I THINKING X? IS THIS A LOGICAL THING TO BE THINKING? If it isn't, put it in pile B with the rest of your emotions. What are the implications of your failing your exams? What are the implications of breaking up with your girlfriend. Make two piles for these as well, one for positives one for negatives. Perhaps there are no positives to the implications of some of your events and that is okay, take the good with the bad here.

If you are concerned because you don't know what to do with your life, it is okay, many people struggle with this. The best way to go about thinking this through is by considering what things you like to do.

Give me some feedback on what I have said and I will try to help you some more.

I know this might sound really immature or stupid but I'm dead serious when I say that you need to just sit back, smoke a blunt, and relax. I think you'll feel alot better afterwards!

If you've finished a few years in school already you could just take a break from it for awhile right? just get a job and try to get settled and then go from there.

And yeah, your girlfriend sounds like a crazy bitch so fuck her!


Also, if you're uneasy about illegal substances then just buy some beer or something. Unless you're one of those dudes that get really violent/depressed when you drink. But I wouldn't drink alone anyways I'd smoke alone though. But fuck anti-depressants you don't need that shit I get depressed all the time and a few things usually bring be right out of it after awhile.

Hey bro, listen to what Jeff said. I know what it's like to feel like a failure and I've struggled a lot with feeling like that for a long time. Hell, I know what it's like to fail exams and I know it's a horrible feeling. I was like that once. Usually, I just said to myself, "If I fail, what's the big deal? I'll just rewrite them." Which is what usually happened whenever I did badly! I'm a couple of months away from getting my college degree and I don't even know how to start my proper work life. But sometimes these things play themselves out, idk, so I don't worry about it but I can understand how you feel about all of that.

Falling down is just practice for picking yourself up. These things happen and they pass in time.

EDIT - Harry Manback, what the fuck? I don't think alcohol and depression mix very well, man! crumply, what I suggest you do is talk to someone you know or do something that you like to do or that helps you relax.

What?

I didn't mean go home and drink yourself into a fucking stupor. I meant sit with some friends and relax, believe it or not alcohol is a good way to do that in some instances.

And its not like he's fucking manic depressive either, so I really don't see how thats a very bad suggestion

Exercise. Get out and run a little, then work your way up. It'll make you feel better and give you a natural high. When I feel down or depressed, I just try to get into a semi-reasonable state of mind and work the fuck out. Doin' more reps with weights than I normally do, running farther than I usually do. The best part is when you're really intense and focused on working out, it blocks out everything else and you  just keep going and feed off that momentum.

I'll add a little story here and maybe it will help you.

Back when I was in my first year of high school, I went through something like you are going through now. I had failed my exams and I knew it but I was young and afraid to tell my parents. I was stressing out over it and as it was the first time I had ever done so poorly, I really felt like it was the end of the world. I was sitting at my desk in my room and I don't know what really went through my head because it was a long time ago, but I carved into the wood tile in the corner of my room "the end of the world 10-08-2000". At the time i must have really believed I could have killed myself or that my life would suck from that point on or any number of terrible things. I probably did think them, but when the next day dawned and I talked with my parents, large arguments and yelling ensued, my life was pretty crappy for a while but you know, here I am, 8 years later, and whenever I am feeling like the world is getting too much and that everything is terrible I remember and go look at that tile with those words "the end of the world" and realize that this too must pass, and that it really doesn't mean as much in reality as it does in the heat of the moment, and that always brings me back to clarity.

Edit:
If you want to talk in real time feel free to come on IRC or MSN. I'll listen.

The key here is what would it take for you to be happy?

My aim in life is to be successful and to be with someone I love. That was the way things were and things have taken a severe turn for the worse.

Are you learning what you want to learn?

I can be really enthusiastic about my course (Electrical and Electronic Engineering) but I lack the enthusiasm that a lot of other people have that drive them forward, maybe you're right. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but that scares me because being 2 years into a university course is an expensive venture.

Are you looking down the line at a job you think you will enjoy doing or are you enjoying your job right now?

I don't think I will. I was thinking "Engineering shortage means big bucks" when I chose my options for university. If I had done what I want to do that would be creative writing or game design or something but I have always been of the opinion that I should not ruin what I enjoy by doing it as a profession. Saying that, the one I have chosen is perhaps too difficult for me? It's hard to tell when the after effects of illness have left me tired and depressed. I find it hard to look after myself properly on a day to day basis because I cannot handle living alone with no-one to look after me I think.

Do you have problems with your friends? Your family? Yourself? Well what are these problems and how can you address them.

This is a point that saddens me particularly. I neglected my friends when I was with my girl and now they are pretty alien to me. My family don't understand anything with "depression". I think they refuse to upset it. Last summer I moved away from home because I clashed with my mother so much. She is depressed also. We are mirror images of each other.

What are the implications of your failing your exams?

2 years of student loan on my back with no result. They may let me resit but judging on how badly I have failed them I doubt that. I am going to the doctors on Monday to get some sort of documentation to give to my department so they can take my mental state into consideration before booting me out.

What are the implications of breaking up with your girlfriend.

I am still in contact with her and a lot of people tell me I shouldn't be because she drags me down. I guess I still love her but ultimately I cannot get back together or be with her because it will just bring both of us further down the spiral. This is a major Catch 22.

Thanks for your prompt reply Jeff 

I know this might sound really immature or stupid but I'm dead serious when I say that you need to just sit back, smoke a blunt, and relax. I think you'll feel alot better afterwards!

If you've finished a few years in school already you could just take a break from it for awhile right? just get a job and try to get settled and then go from there.

And yeah, your girlfriend sounds like a crazy bitch so fuck her!


Also, if you're uneasy about illegal substances then just buy some beer or something. Unless you're one of those dudes that get really violent/depressed when you drink. But I wouldn't drink alone anyways I'd smoke alone though. But fuck anti-depressants you don't need that shit I get depressed all the time and a few things usually bring be right out of it after awhile.

I like you as a forum personality but this isn't really helping (Sorry).

Exercise. Get out and run a little, then work your way up. It'll make you feel better and give you a natural high. When I feel down or depressed, I just try to get into a semi-reasonable state of mind and work the fuck out. Doin' more reps with weights than I normally do, running farther than I usually do. The best part is when you're really intense and focused on working out, it blocks out everything else and you  just keep going and feed off that momentum.

This summer when I go home I have decided that I am going to do that. My mum has (supposedly) signed both of us up for the gym. I think if I spend some time with her and we both meet some sort of motivational goals then yeah, progress will be made. At the same time it could go completely tits-up. Going home for 3 months is a long time for a tits up event to occur. If the uni boot me out then I'm stuck there and it will inevtiably become unpleasant if things don't change. So I'll get back to you on that one.

I'll add a little story here and maybe it will help you.

Back when I was in my first year of high school, I went through something like you are going through now. I had failed my exams and I knew it but I was young and afraid to tell my parents. I was stressing out over it and as it was the first time I had ever done so poorly, I really felt like it was the end of the world. I was sitting at my desk in my room and I don't know what really went through my head because it was a long time ago, but I carved into the wood tile in the corner of my room "the end of the world 10-08-2000". At the time i must have really believed I could have killed myself or that my life would suck from that point on or any number of terrible things. I probably did think them, but when the next day dawned and I talked with my parents, large arguments and yelling ensued, my life was pretty crappy for a while but you know, here I am, 8 years later, and whenever I am feeling like the world is getting too much and that everything is terrible I remember and go look at that tile with those words "the end of the world" and realize that this too must pass, and that it really doesn't mean as much in reality as it does in the heat of the moment, and that always brings me back to clarity.

Edit:
If you want to talk in real time feel free to come on IRC or MSN. I'll listen.

I have fucked up before and this is just history repeating itself. The last time was 4 years ago (In the UK you do AS level exams, followed by A level, followed by your university course after high school). I fucked up at the AS stage and had to repeat the year and I did something very similar to the above.

Edit: Adding me on msn would be nice yeah I would appreciate all the support I can get really.

Also: Harry Manback was just being himself man that shit just bounces off he doesn't need a warn 

Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but that scares me because being 2 years into a university course is an expensive venture.

You don't seem to understand. What is TWO YEARS compared to YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? If you keep doing something you don't like because you are afraid to ditch two years of "progress" then you might end up being unhappy for the next 60+ years.

I don't think I will. I was thinking "Engineering shortage means big bucks" when I chose my options for university.

Then you already know what you need to do. If you do not think you will enjoy your major or your career, you need to find a new one. I was depressend and unhappy and doing poorly in college because I picked business for money and found out that, when I switched to History, something I loved, that the world became a much brighter and happier place.

If I had done what I want to do that would be creative writing or game design or something but I have always been of the opinion that I should not ruin what I enjoy by doing it as a profession.

That is a cop-out man. You will not "ruin" what you like. You can treat something as both a career and a hobby separately. If game design is your thing then you can be a game designer and make RM2k games for fun in your spare time or whatever. Having a job doing something does not suddenly change it into something bad. If you want to learn about something you like then DO IT man, don't make excuses about it, just go for your heart's desire. Do you really want to be 90 years old, dying in a hospital bed saying "man my life would have been so much better if I had done the things I wanted to do instead of being weighed down with what other people wanted me to be or what I assumed my own limitations were. You have to go out and grab happiness man, it doesn't just flutter in the window and say HERE I AM YOU ARE HAPPY NOW!

Saying that, the one I have chosen is perhaps too difficult for me?

Again, man, you aren't even asking yourself the right question. Who cares if it is hard is it what you want? Because if it isn't then for heavens sake, you don't take this much time to decide whether to stop hitting yourself in the hand with a hammer. If you don't like it or if it is uncomfortable, STOP DOING IT.

I find it hard to look after myself properly on a day to day basis because I cannot handle living alone with no-one to look after me I think. This is a point that saddens me particularly. I neglected my friends when I was with my girl and now they are pretty alien to me. My family don't understand anything with "depression". I think they refuse to upset it. Last summer I moved away from home because I clashed with my mother so much. She is depressed also. We are mirror images of each other.

This is a problem you need to confront, but not right now. First you need to start being happy and doing the things you really want to do. Eventually though, you will need to make up with your family and get new friends or make up with your old ones. You have friends here online. I know they are not the same as having people you can touch or physically see, but we are here for you man, just like we are here for Steel and Sarah as they are going through their hard times. If you can't talk to your mom, call up your father, your sister, your brother. These people are your family even if you are distant from one another. I can't even imagine that you could call up one of your family members and say "I am in a really bad spot, I am seriously considering killing myself, can you please talk to me for a while?" that someone would say "No sorry figure it out yourself *click*"

2 years of student loan on my back with no result. They may let me resit but judging on how badly I have failed them I doubt that. I am going to the doctors on Monday to get some sort of documentation to give to my department so they can take my mental state into consideration before booting me out. I am still in contact with her and a lot of people tell me I shouldn't be because she drags me down. I guess I still love her but ultimately I cannot get back together or be with her because it will just bring both of us further down the spiral. This is a major Catch 22.

It is not catch 22. She brings you down, you are not compatible, it is over. You just have to move on about it man, if you are prone to depression, as you claim to be, what you need is someone happy, someone who can pull you up when you are feeling down. I can't really give you advice on finding a girl, because I have not found one that I am interested in, so I really don't have any experience here. As for your doctor, that is a good idea. Have them recommend you a psychologist anyway, even if you never go, but perhaps you will and perhaps it will help you.

About the loans and the money, well yeah money is a thing in life, but you have to put it aside for now and move forward regardless of whether it is costing you, you can't put a price tag on happiness, and you need to go for it.

crumply, seriously dude, listen to Jeff. 2 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life. If you don't like what you are doing, get out of it. I have a friend who hated Chemistry andd was doing CHEMICAL ENGINEERING for whatever dumb reason! And he was always depressed and stressed out, and he was failing and shit and then he dropped it for something else and he is a lot less stressed now, man, and his grades went up and he had a lot more time to hang out with us.

I have friends in Med who are just there because they want the $$$ later on and they are depressed out of their minds.

It may sound hypocritical of me to say something like that because I love literature and I'm not doing anything Literature-related, but Environmental Management. Environmental Mgmt. doesn't rake in the dough but I chose to do that because I love that too and it gives me time to write all I want too because it doesn't have me stressed out. You can still have your hobbies and do something else totally different academically. My parents once persuaded me to go Med because of the money and opportunities but I said no. I knew I would go out of my mind.

You don't need to SUPERPLAN all of this. Just figure out what you like to do or want to do and do it, not what anyone else wants you to do.

maybe you should quit school temporarily

maybe leave for a year and attend junior college or get a couple jobs

if you are really having a hard time coping with school and a break-up

maybe it would be good to take a step back to put everything into perspective

damn




also i agree with malus a blunt will make you feel better

I wasted the first two years of college doing a Criminal Justice course, then I realized that I have absolutely no interest in Criminal Justice and learned absolutely nothing from it (expect a ton of psych/sociology). So I change my major to Visual Art, because I would rather get a degree in something I'm interested in and that can actually develop into a trade or skill than graduating and getting nothing out of it but a piece of paper. I was all nervous and depressed those two years, cause I'm like "I don't know if I want to do this". Then I finally made the switch and I feel great and am actually looking forward to next semester.

I've tried anti depressants and they just really fucked things up for me. When I came off them they messed up my sex life too which was very strange, unexpected and I wasn't told about this when they put me on them!

this is really weird, they are supposed to tell you that. there are a few that don't (Zoloft I think) but yeah, that's strange.

anyways I'll give a better answer later maybe but I'd say first off avoid the girlfriend because that's just gonna open old wounds pretty much!

you're a cool dude so I do plan on giving you some better post later but I'm sure a lot of GW guys got some tricks you should try, like PICK UP A HOBBY etc, some of them work pretty well. also are you really certain you failed out? can you talk to any professors?

He calmed down a bit after we talked for a while on MSN. He is going to go talk to some people and see how things turn out. Hopefully he'll give us an update tomorrow.

I think everybody pretty much said everything I wanted to say already. So, cheer up!   And I'd suggest you not to sit in front of the computer too much, 'cause that'll only make you more depress. Get out of your house, take a walk and just give yourself a break.  As for your ex girlfriend, it's good that you broke up with her. Your lover should be someone who pull you up no matter what happen.

just change your routine


and realise all these problems are HUMAN CREATIONS, not inevitable nature forces. Basically, it's all in your hands. If you fail, you still have many other tries and options and alternate routes.
LIFE IS ABSURD.
Nothing makes sense, really. That's the great part of it. That's an optimistic thought. There's no need to kill yourself earlier, you'll die later.


you also need more company, I dont mean a gf, just hanging with understanding people, firends, family.

i don't have much solid advice to give, but I think exercise is something you should absolutely do. whenever i go for a run or play football, afterwards i am always so elated for no reason. it's probably an artificial fix but it will at least feel like some kind of release and you'll get a break from the constant bad moods.

as for the whole feeling like a failure thing, yeah that stings! i get bouts of this, and you just can't really do anything about it. i would only say don't beat yourself up too bad. from what you say, you aren't a total failure. you're in a rough patch but you'll get past this and have good times and success in things again.

the two years you feel you wasted in university is also probably pretty hard to take but there really isn't any point in continuing if you hate it. it'll just mean more wasted money and more wasted time and while that might not seem like it could be worse than what you've wasted already, there's no reason not to start living proper as soon as you can.

sorry i'm really tired i'm not putting much thought into this but there are a few things that i thought while i was reading your post.

Happy birthday crumply. I don't really have any better advice than these people can give you but stay positive and try to enjoy your day, ok???