well, i had a pretty nice life for a while. i grew up with 2 parents, and some good siblings, so that was cool. my dad was kind of mean and he started smoking when he was 14, and has ever since. 4 out of 5 kids in my family have asthma, and his smoking has led to many hospital trips. he doesn't care too much, it seems. but hey besides that, life was pretty peachy when i was really little.

i was homeschooled for kindergarten and half of first grade, just because i could be, i guess. my mom had homeschooled her other kids for a whole bunch of reasons, mainly because she didn't work and so she COULD. she thought it was best because then we could learn stuff more suited to us. in first grade i told her i wanted to go to school so i could make some friends, so she let me.

when i was 6 i had an exchange student from japan who totally changed my life. she was the reason i started to like anime and manga, and now i want to make manga when i'm older. that was the single best year of my life.

but then when i was 9 my life started to go downhill. i was homeschooled again in 3rd and 4th grade because i decided i liked that better. i didn't learn much when i was at school, and also i have neeever been a morning person.

when i was 9, my brother's best friend (who was 13 at the time) started molesting me. it lasted every day for about a year and a half. i also have vague memories of rape and other things, but a lot of that stuff is very fuzzy since it was pretty traumatizing. i've pretty much done every sexual thing there is, though, because of that. it happened at any moment. my brother would go to the bathroom, and his friend would just be like "hey, come here or i'll hit you." i have a fear of wrists, which people always make fun of me for, and it's because he would hold me down really hard by my wrists. it'd be over by the time my brother was back. or even if my brother was in the room, like if the whole family was watching a movie (the friend was pretty much considered family). he also babysat me sometimes, and that's when worse stuff happened. but yeah. that was a terrible year of my life. i had just been starting to comprehend faith and was enjoying learning about religion, but i struggled with it because i thought, "if god really exists like i've been taught, then why would he allow things like this to happen to me?" and also it was tough because the feelings i felt from that was the strangest mixture of pleasure and horror. i don't really remember what made him stop. i think it might have been when he got a girlfriend, but i don't really remember if that was when he was 14 or 16.

i got depressed after that year. i couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about anything that happened, so i ended up keeping it a secret for 5 years. i tried to do things to make it better by myself, though. i developed a phobia of sleeping in my bed in my room (where bad things happened), and made my mom get rid of it. i tore holes in a chair where bad things happened, too, and blamed it on the dog so my mom would get rid of it. i've slept on the couch in my livingroom ever since i was 9, in the same room where my mom sleeps (because my dad's room always smells like smoke and she can't stand it and she has some problems with him sometimes but she is against divorce (in the sense that she'll do anything she can to avoid it and isn't someone who's like "eh i don't like you anymore lets get divorced okay bye")). it makes me seem really immature and childish, but i still can't handle sleeping too far away from where my mom is. i usually have nightmares about when i was 9 when i sleepover at friends' houses, so i end up not sleeping at all.

when i was 10 (and the crap with my brother's friend was still going on), i decided i had to get out of the house. i couldnt stand being there anymore. i started going to school again in 5th grade. however, i got made fun of SO HARD. i wasn't pretty, fashionable, funny, or anything like that. i was the depressed, tomboy-ish weirdo. actually, in 5th grade, i wanted to be a boy. i had thought life would be so much easier that way, because nothing bad would have happened to me like it did. i dressed like a boy, acted like one, etc. so i got made fun of a lot. (anybody remember mkkmyjesus? yeah.) plus, i hadn't been in school since 2nd grade, so i had no idea what was popular and not. it didn't help that i had the highest grades in the whole school. there were only... 2(?) times that someone got a higher grade than me on anything. so i was a "nerd" too. that year sucked. i would go to school, get made fun of. go home, get molested. i would try to hang out at the playground at the school after school hours, but i would get beat up. my only after school options were getting harassed by kids at school, or harassed by my brother's friend at home. i had no friends that year, so i couldnt take refuge at anyone else's house.

in 6th grade, i ran out of ways to deal with everything. the stuff with my brother's friend had pretty much stopped, but i was still hated at school. i started cutting myself. it got pretty bad over the course of that year. i sort of attempted suicide with it, to the point where i was just laying in the bathtub bleeding and waiting to die. i was a little emo, hah. although only privately. at school, i remained the boy-ish, awkward person i was. i became a liiiiittle happier that year because i got a couple friends. although my best friend from that year apparently wasn't as close as i thought, and she succumbed to rumors. she hated me for the rest of the year, until the last week of school (because i remained a good friend after she had started hating me. i had told her that i would make her a great drawing of her favorite character on her birthday, and she figured i wouldnt because we werent friends. but i did, and she was really touched i guess. she realized that the rumors she had believed couldn't have been true. we've been friends ever since). but yeah. the popular girls at school all hated me because i was boyish, i guess, and they would always call me fat and ugly and stuff like that. i started that year being 80 lbs (which was very underweight to begin with), and 4'10". but as the year went on, i got to 65 lbs at the lowest. i had become anorexic and bulimic, because the years of harassment got to me. i also was continued to be harassed terribly that year, and it even spread to being online. i must have blocked at least 200 AIM screennames and e-mail addresses.

things started to get a bit better after that, though. i wasn't as depressed, because i started to make more friends when people saw that i wasn't a terrible person on the inside. (the popular girls had spread rumors saying things like "she made a rumor that i had sex with a 20 year old guy!! she's such a liar!!!!") i was still anorexic/bulimic/cutting in 7th grade but it was less... hm, "brutal", i guess. it was a recovery year for me, though it still was pretty bad.

in the summer of 7th grade i became a lot more confident, girly, happy, etc... things just started to get better. i had stopped all my bad habits for a while too. buuuuuuuuut then i got into a terrible relationship with my long-time boy    friend who ended up causing me to relapse in everything. woo. also, i started having a lot of dissociative symptoms that summer, which became really confusing and annoying and freaky and blahhh. also, that summer was the first time i ever told anybody about what happened when i was 9. the first time i tried to, though, i shook terribly and threw up. it took me months to finally tell someone, but i did. and after that, it became progressively easier to talk about it all, to the point where i can now talk about it on an internet forum, and think of it just as "an event in the past that was not my fault". i hardly even shake when i think about it anymore.

yeah, i didn't tell anyone about the abuse when i was 9 until i was 13. that meant that my brother's friend kept coming over for years. i would usually lock myself in the bathroom for however long he was over. nobody in my family noticed, they probably just figured i went for a walk or something. it's only recently that he's stopped coming over at all, and that's because he's going off to college soon. and also because i finally told my brother about what happened. yeah, the very same brother who's friend was responsible for molesting and raping me over the course of a year. it was sooooo awkward. i cried harder that night than i ever have before. but now i am much closer with my brother. he still had his friend over several times after i told him, because i told him that he had to (i didn't want his friend to know that he knew).

so it's been a year since then, and i'm starting to get better again. i started seeing a psychologist in January, and hey guess what! turns out i have bad dissociative symptoms and maybe even enough to be considered dissociative identity disorder, a.k.a multiple personality disorder (like dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, hah). i've been on depression medicine since March or so, and that's been helping with my depression/anxiety. my therapist is pretty cool and she's been helping me to get over cutting/anorexia/bulimia, which still remain problems for me. we're currently working on anger management, since i've always had trouble with that. i've always been the kind of person to keep everything inside, and then it would explode in a fit of anger and end up with me doing bad things to myself.

but yeah so those are the major events i guess. there's been a lot more crap too. friend problems, family problems, and other things. you know, strangeluv you remind me of myself, haha. i was kinda like you, in the sense that i would fantasize about killing people and stuff. i've always been bad with anger stuff, and would sorta "pretend kill" people too.

but hey at least things are starting to get better now. i've struggled with religion ove the years but because of everything that i've gone through, my faith is stronger than ever. when people here ask "how can you believe that stuff?" it's because I'VE EXPERIENCED IT FIRSTHAND. i've seen miracles in my life. god is the only reason i didn't end up killing myself. everytime i'd try (in like 7th grade and stuff), i could feel god working in me and i couldn't do it. it's hard to explain. but yeah. i've gone through a lot of crap (Even more than mentioned here). but now, i've got friends, God, a therapist... and i'm getting through life much easier. :]