Video Game Review
Jade Empire

I remember a time in game making when all the money wasn't spent on big name actors who phone in the roles and graphics that would make a blind nun weep. I remember a time when a game had to get by on how good it played and how the storyline fit the setting and level design, and not how much glitter or how realistic you can make her boobs bounce. I remember a time when Bioware still made games that didn't suck.

Remember that era during Kotor 1 and 2 when bioware was a no miss empire that was just owning the competition? Remember how they announced their first non star wars project (in a million years) and it was to be set in ancient japan? Remember how that totally wasn't played out yet? Anyway they came up with a briliant idea of marketting strategy that after a big hit star wars game they would make a game not set in the star wars universe (however bringing the same kotor style of storytelling, gameplay and good/bad choices). They showed a camera movement around a rendered 3d character who was sitting down meditating and called it Jade Empire. They released some things then it disappeared into my heart for waiting for the release.

Now as you all know the game did come out and it turned out alright. Its a fun game but unlike the kotor games they produced playing through jade empire more then once gives a restounding "meh" quality to the whole concept. The whole game has a funky feel to it, like it can't decide what genre it wants to be. It wants to be ancient japan with spirits and magic and crap like that but as soon as it begins to divulge us into the world of magic it throws technological advances more modern then...well modern advances. This throws off the whole aspect because I'm sorry but when we don't have 3 person manned arial vehicles with compact guns built from a flying city in the sky but ancient japan did, its sorta like "wha?"

And excuse me but if your going to follow Japanese/Chinese ancient culture then why is it when you run out of Chi that you don't drop dead? Like in that specific culture?

But anyway so you play as an obviously American looking asian with some silly surname that you pick at the start. I personally always enjoy picking myself a girl and making her out to be either a giant slut or a complete bitch and pretend she's someone I know and lay the controller down and laugh. But more to the point when I started up Jade Empire the first time I had so with the secret disc bought to play through as the super secret hidden character. And guess what? He's a fat guy who can barely move fast? He also looks absolutely retarted with his hair styled that way I mean for God's sake man get a real hair cut?

Anyway you find out through a wall of text from here to China (see what I did thar ahahaha) that you are the last of your people, a spirit monk. And because of this you have the amazing ability to be able to punch ghosts in the face, which you do a lot of in this game for no reason other than to be a prick. Anyway, your master of your school was the cause of this massacre of your people because he's Sun Li the glorious strategist (not changing his last name from Sun Li to Master Li) (and why is it that every chinese master is always either Li or Lee, like where did that come from all the sudden?) and he is the brother of the undead emporer who has taken over a pissed off, undead suit of armor who has his own brother trapped in his body. Quite a mouthfull right?

Well the water dragon is here to hold your fat bald hand as you make your way through the empire to find the emporer and re kill him (though its odd throughout the entire game it keeps to remind you that you can't kill the undead but when you fight the undead emporer you easily are able to kill him?) Well that's about it without going into spoilers, and though its been like 10 years since it came out some prick on here won't have played through it yet and will bitch that I have given away key plot points.

So we will talk about the fighting styles as long as we are on the game, but not very extentively. First of all there are three main ones that have any true use unless your a freak. Magic style (which anything but fire is completely freaking useless) sword style (i say sword and not "weapon" because my favorite weapon style next to sword, and the only useful next to sword, is dual axes but its a hidden fucking style) and martial (which is any fighting style in the game not fit into the upper categories). I disregard support styles because they are for fatties and loosers to use!

And what's with bioware's nack for making their first few levels much better then their following levels? Jade empire is a good example. There are like 40 side quests in the first town alone, then after that you would be hard pressed to find one again.

Anyway the whole game feels old. You know how when you look back at certain games you don't get a sense of them being outdated, only slightly graphically impaired? Well when looking back at Jade Empire you get a sense of old in it. You get a sense that if it was made today it would be far better then what it currently is. Now while I get that sense in a lot of games it just has a certain sense on it that seems to fit into the "this is old" category. I don't want to give a number because a whole review seems too long and complicated to be set as a numerical digit, but there is always a way to end it. And I believe my paragprah header sentence states it all "This game feels old." That's all there is too it.

Ps: Why is it that the ONLY American in the game is an outlandish drunk?