well... it's a good life! i just got through one of the toughest times i've had in a while... over the past 3 months or so, i've come off of Paxil, the anxiety/depression medicine i'd been on for 3 years. i didn't realize how difficult it would be, but i guess my body was really used to it after developing through my early teens with serotonin being added in to my brain chemistry. i was almost driven to suicide several times, i was so miserable :\ but now i feel much better! or at least, i'm over the withdrawal symptoms and ready to move on. i managed to stay alive without any self-destructive means of relieving stress, and i didn't have to stay in a mental hospital. dare i say that i am now normal? ...naahhh. xP

being completely unmedicated for the first time in YEARS feels weird, even after only a week or so. now i once again have the same brain chemistry stuff that i had dealt with all throughout my childhood. meaning, i am having anxiety REALLY BAD. like, there are days where i just constantly am tensing up, twitching, and shaking, and there's nothing i can do about it. and i am having horrible nightmares again. that's the worst thing about being unmedicated. it's PTSD :\ i keep having these really scary dreams, like i used to... violent, terrifying nightmares. i don't know how i can even describe them to anyone who hasn't experienced them. >_< but i wake up sweating and convulsing. i've never had a "seizure", but... well, these are close to seizures i think. blargh, nightmares are horrible. D:

but! for the first time, i feel like my mind can conquer or distract me from the uncomfortable physiological things i am experiencing. and now, i know so much about it. i thoroughly understand anxiety and depression-- it's not like when i was a kid and i thought i was going to die every time i had some heart palpitations or shaking. i mastered relaxation techniques 8^D i now realize that i can do a lot on my own! and it's empowering. or something.

so, wow... it's amazing to notice how positive my mindset has become only in the past couple weeks. i'm realizing a lot of things since being off my meds. hmmmm. i have a new medicine to try; Zoloft, 50 mg. hopefully that will help with daily anxiety and nightmares. i'm sorta worried about starting a new medication for several reasons. first of all, i feel okay right now. when it comes to my mindset, i feel much better. i sorta don't want to mess with things, and yet i DO want to get rid of my physiological discomforts.

also, being unmedicated makes me not want to eat (why hello again anorexia), so i'm losing some weight, which i've wanted to do. but i've been doing it in a healthier way than ever before. i haven't been eating sweets, and i've been exercising. i get cravings for things like fruit and pasta! xD i've been able to keep a happy medium when it comes to calories-- all my life, it's been like "either 0 or 3000", but now i'm able to bring myself to eat around 600 calories a day this may not seem like a good thing to people who can eat normally, but for me it's an improvement over how i've been for the entirety of my life~

well, i guess that's where i'm at right now. no longer in withdrawal, not being self-destructive, losing weight fairly healthily, and thinking about starting a new medication.