god, his mom.  his MOM.  this is really awful on multiple levels.

i feel a bit weird calling him mark.  i know it was his real name and on one hand i know that using silly, hollow internet handles is kind of dumb.  but it wasn't just some HANDLE anymore.  i knew steel.  i learned things from steel.  i argued a lot with steel and i laughed at stupid childish internet shit with steel.  i'm a better person for having known steel.  it's not just some dumb handle.  STEEL is how i knew him.  the name mark doesn't mean anything to me.  steel was a friend.

i knew he'd go like this.  i really knew it'd be something stupidly realistic without any warmth or room for comfort at all.  no goodbyes, no final speeches, no meaningful words as he gazed into the unknown.  just, he kind of falls off the map and one night quietly dies and that's it.  he was one of the most charismatic people i've known and he deserved something more fitting than just drifting off in the middle of the night.

when i really think about it, it seems inevitable that he was going to die, and this thread over the past day or so proves that for me, sort of.  as stupid, childish, and naive as i feel about actually thinking this... i must have believed my life was some kind of fucking sitcom or something.  i never HONESTLY believed he would die.  no, of course he wouldn't.  that's not how things work.  not in ol jeff's life.  things will work out.  things most certainly did not work out.  i really regret being so goddamn immature about this because there were a lot of things i should have said about how i was glad to have known him that just... didn't because i didn't think it was necessary, and that is something that will stay with me, i think.

but it seemed obvious that he'd die, because look at this fucking topic.  he was such a great guy, so smart, so much potential, i learned so much from him, it goes on and on.  when do you ever hear that in conjunction with "and now he's off somewhere fulfilling his potential and giving back to the world"?  this is the truth of things and i managed to deftly avoid it for a year and a half without even realizing i was deluding myself.  in regards to treesock, he once said that her love of MAES HUGHS or whoever was a bit absurd, because the character was built to be liked.  he was so affable, so smart, so charismatic, so GOOD, that it was obvious that he'd been written only to be killed off and leave everyone watching with a staggering sense of loss.  this is steel, i've come to realize.  everything about him was too good.  too interesting, too intelligent, too admirable, even the bad parts, of which there were many, were generally born of passion, which i can't really fault.  it was like he was just some character someone created for the sole purpose of dying and leaving a great big hole in the lives of everyone who knew him so they could all stand around talking about how great he was and how much he could've done, and how it's not fair at all.  this almost feels like a goddamn comic book.  i don't know how i didn't see this coming.  it seems like everything he was to me was all consciously moving towards this one moment.  like that's the only place it could have gone.

it just struck me that i'm writing about how he was, and what he was to me.  this guy is actually dead.  it's still unreal.  writing about a dead friend.  we spent so much time talking to each other, even when we weren't both at gw.  hours and hours and countless conversations.  with how much i tend to keep people i know in life at arm's length, he was the person i confided in most, the person i went to advice to for most, the person i just shot the shit with the most.  i connected with him more than any other person i met at gw and i can honestly say that he was my closest friend.  that's a weird thing to say for a net pal but after i found out he was dead, i realized it was true.  i think we talked to each other more than we talked to anyone else from gw.  we were both online a lot, and he was my GO TO GUY to chat with if i had anything to say at all, and i know i was his.  he once said in some topic about some dumb shit that we were each other's echo chambers.  that was true.  fuck, man.  STEEL.

i'm really sorry sredni.  you were probably much closer to him than i was.  this is probably a lot harder for you.  if anything, i feel sort of guilty because i'm not even reacting here.  i went to work tonight and functioned on a normal level.  aside from everything seeming different on a fundamental level, like skewed, like the world had slightly shifted just a little bit, it was like nothing happened.  i feel like i should be crying or angry or something, but all i really feel is a dull sadness and a vague disbelief.  i keep forgetting he's dead, then suddenly remembering and every time it just feel like it can't really be true.  like i must just be imagining things.

i miss him a lot, though.  this really shouldn't have happened.

It's pretty tough thinking about the fact that he used to be just a name in a database hosted in some random data center, and now the real man behind that name is gone. He didn't just logoff, get disinterested, or get too busy. He died.

The world seemed considerably darker today.

yeah i can't disagree with that at all.  in fact, i almost said something similar to whoever up there said WHAT PLAN COULD LEAD TO THIS, GOD??? because the immediately obvious answer is that his death seems to have impacted a lot of people here in a rather serious way.  in the time i knew him, he was... inspiring, i guess.  you could say the silver lining of his death is that it is no less resonant and inspiring than he was to me throughout our relationship.  that there is something to be TAKEN from this.  just, in a different, much more depressing way.  still, as much as i know that despite his death, his influence and the things i learned from him will stay with me, and in that way it's sort of like he's not entirely gone, i still know he is.  still dead.  i feel like anything else said is me trying to make myself feel better about it, even if it's true.  you're right, of course, but i know you know what i mean.  you start telling yourself, well as long as he remains in your heart he's not truly blah blah blah and then you tell yourself to shut up.  he's gone.  just gone.  dressing it up doesn't change it.  it's a bitter thing, for sure.

sitting here, though, i still can't help but feel that this whole thing was doomed from the start.  i used to wonder what would happen with our relationship, as the years went on.  it didn't feel like either of us could drift off and lose contact and just kind of forget about the other.  even at the time, i thought it would've had to be something abrupt.  now i know.

I feel bad following up all these really long heart felt posts because I barely ever talked to Steel and I think the only time we ever communicated was a few brief arguments we had, but still somehow he was the type of person who had such a strong effect on those around him that I am genuinely shocked and sad that some guy I didn't know at all via the internet died. It was pretty obvious, like people have said, that he was one of the building blocks of GW, and we'll all miss his ability to argue absolutely anything and do it damn well. I wish I had something better to say, because he deserves it. Rest in peace.

I'm a friend of Amark's. I lived in the same dorm with the guy and have known him since sophmore year of college. The first time I met Amark was in the lounge of my dorm, an RA was putting on a program down there and in the middle of the program Amark started spouting out some Mitch Hedburg lines. Everyone there thought he was crazy. But I soon started spouting off some Hedburg lines back at him. That's when I knew that I've met a great friend. A friend that didn't really care about normality and niceties.

Throughout my time with him he pulled me through doubts about life, job losses, breakups, and a slew of other problems. The man had a way of telling you the honest truth in both a comforting and visceral way. He cared about each and everyone in such a deep way that I can't even fathom. And Amark was just so god damn intelligent. I'm in here stumbling upon my words, while Amark could pull out poetry without even having to press the backspace key. I always admired how he could talk to you about anything, no subject was off limits. There was no fear of crossing a boundary with Amark.

I was there last night along with a couple of his other friends and his family when he passed. He was in a coma for his last few hours and we were told he could hear everything we were saying. So we told countless stories about how much Amark has changed our lives. The man is an inspiration. I know I would be a much more passive guy, letting the world pull me down, if it wasn't for him. He has taught me, no matter what to be yourself, fight, and really take no shit from anyone. When he did finally pass away you could tell that he was calm and at peace.

Amark always would talk about gamingworld and how much he loved you guys and I'm glad to see how much you all care about him.