yeah I'm not doing magnets. also vitamin c w/e the doctor will probably know that.

in other news Steve discovered that Johns Hopkins is the leading center for this stuff and mentioned the chances going up to like 80% (!!!) which if legit you best believe I will take that up so who knows???

If (when) you come through this, I hope it makes you a different, or rather a better person than you ever were. You and a lot of other people here may not be religious or spiritual in the least, but I personally feel that people are meant to learn and gain from trials and tribulations such as this. I'd be damned if cancer wasn't a life changing reality shaking world rocking enough of an experience to entirely review myself as a person and make sure I would appreciate every single fucking breath of air like it was my damned last, and improve to be better than I ever fucking was beforehand.

NO I RULE.

Something a little uh WEIRD I guess is that I'm handling this way too well. Like I harbor no illusions, I'm scared, I'm even scared of this bone scan tomorrow (if it's in my bones I can't imagine that could be good) but at the same time I'm really keeping an unnaturally positive attitude about this! I really kind of wonder if I'm just going to mentally snap during a chemo treatment and just eviscerate a nurse with a single syringe swipe.

As a result it's less that I feel like I have to change my life and more that if things don't pan out, I really gotta get some shit done before...before...

i...it...

also hey lets talk about this: why would I want to improve?

like naturally I'd want to make sure everyone I did wrong to I did okay by but I already did that to anyone that would listen (my old roommate Rashid just said "OK" when Jon told him and uhhhh idk I'm not really thinking I'll bend over backwards for him) but other than that why would I need to change my personality? I mean I'm not the greatest guy buttttt let's be realistic if I was going to die, why bother really fixing a character flaw like "maybe I fart too much" or something? wouldn't it be better to spend the time I have left how I want rather than by a moral code which (atheist...) means nothing to me?

I've also wondered why no one in my situation who knows they are fucked doesn't like KILL PEOPLE. I don't mean innocent people but we know there are very bad people out there and I'm sure some of the people who get malignant lethal cancer are okay with removing them but this only happens in movies!

in bad related news I went for a small walk with a friend but couldn't get even a block before I started running out of breath. I'm really really hoping it's because I'm incredibly out of shape (from not doing anything for at least two weeks) and less because of the lump over the lungs. it probably is the out of shape thing too which is pathetic (even if excusable) because I don't feel the lump when I'm lying down anymore thanks to steroids.

I think people that already had a little faith get some stupid epiphany when they almost die. I know I'd probably be pretty happy I was alive but an atheist is a fucking atheist man.

Yeah but I think most people with terminal illnesses don't have the strength to pull that kind of shit off because by the time you find out there is NO WAY IN HELL YOU GONNA LIVE its already too late and you can barely walk not to mention pull some crazy shit off that will kill all of you enemy.



so were you going to college when this shit started or what? Or maybe it was between semesters? How are you taking care of all of your medical shit and whatnot?

I mean there are remission states and really how hard could it be?

I should uh...probably not talk about that on a public message board though HUH.

also yeah the plan was law school; I just got my scholarship letter the day I found out it was cancer :/ gotta defer that for a year!

also also I think a bit of it is last year I had a pretty traumatic experience and ended up getting rid of a lot of regrets. like I made up with a friend I hadn't spoken to in nine years, all sorts of shit. that might be why I'm not like NO...MY LIFE... because while I WOULD HAVE regrets (I want to be a dad etc) I have not too many right now!

except for...yelling at e-people...

I really hope you aren't saying that just because of how 'immature and childish' and how much of a giagantic asshole you think Steel is.

edit: cute sig

Yes because just because I have a negative slant about my opinion of him, that means I couldn't care less if he died and I have nothing valid to say to him because that apparently means that I think he's a worthless person and not worth any advice I'd give to someone who has cancer! Great deduction, smartass! Ever think of being a psychologist or something? You'd make a lot of money!!!

also hey lets talk about this: why would I want to improve?

like naturally I'd want to make sure everyone I did wrong to I did okay by but I already did that to anyone that would listen (my old roommate Rashid just said "OK" when Jon told him and uhhhh idk I'm not really thinking I'll bend over backwards for him) but other than that why would I need to change my personality? I mean I'm not the greatest guy buttttt let's be realistic if I was going to die, why bother really fixing a character flaw like "maybe I fart too much" or something? wouldn't it be better to spend the time I have left how I want rather than by a moral code which (atheist...) means nothing to me?

Well it's my philosophy that everyone is subject to improvement no matter what. It's not about changing your personality as it is so much as being a better person. Besides, what I said applies assuming you make it through this, not so much beforehand.

If (when) you come through this, I hope it makes you a different, or rather a better person than you ever were.

I go by the dogma of constant self improvement, and I believe more in being a good and meaningful contribution to society and my fellow man than having my own fun, but I guess that's just really how I feel about things personally, so obviously I wouldn't expect anyone else to follow it. Just sharing my views.

mog please dont stretch this into another topic.

not that this is FEEL GOOD CENTRAL but yeah kind of sick of it.

but yeah I'm uh...I'm pretty good man! I know someone will say MAYBE YOU COULD CHILL STEEL but whatever, I'm not a really aggressive person in real life and I do nice things for people mostly, and I'm an all around decent guy irl. kind of glad I don't have faith because then I'd really be a lot angrier because a lot of this is intensely unfair. I don't mean on a WHY ME level, but like, testicular cancer that doesn't appear in the testicles but in the lungs, how fair is that!

idk I've been honestly wondering what I should do if this does end up as a worst case scenario and I'm not sure really! not asking for advice or anything, but what a surreal situation.

also yeah I'm a little high on painkillers at the moment whoo.

Steel, have you thought about seeing a psychologist (unless you already do for whatever reason)? i know the people at GW are pretty much your e-therapists to talk about stuff and all, but it might help you to see a therapist 4realz. i've been seeing one for a while for a lot of reasons, and i've been a much happier and less stressed person. they've helped me get through a lot of tough things. you could learn some stress relief ideas, and they could generally just help you to not feel like crap. while physical therapies help a lot to aid in chemo side effects and stuff, mental therapy can also help a lot. aside from all the physical pain, i know GW doesn't want to see you being all depressed and stuff (cuz we luv you bro). also, maybe your mom could see a therapist too (with you, even). it sounds like its really hard on both of you already, and its still only the beginning... ugh D: stay strong, man.

eh, that's the thing. I don't feel depressed or anything. I'm dealing with this fine.

if I end up DYING FOR SURE or whatever it might be an idea but right now I'm very girlbones about the whole thing.

Hahaha you sounded alot like Mr Magical Negro just then.

I said it because if you are saying he should take the opportunity to change just because you don't like the person he is then that is kinda bullshit. Otherwise there isn't a problem, so maybe wipe the fog out of your glasses and calm down, I never said anything about you not caring if he died.

When I say "change" and self improvement, I am not in any way referring to how he acts online or any of that. I couldn't give a shit about someone's e-persona or whatever because they're more or less irrelevant to how someone is in real life and real life in general. What I'm saying has nothing to do with his online personality, nor does my opinion of him have anything to do with I'm saying. I'll elaborate below.

mog please dont stretch this into another topic.

not that this is FEEL GOOD CENTRAL but yeah kind of sick of it.

but yeah I'm uh...I'm pretty good man! I know someone will say MAYBE YOU COULD CHILL STEEL but whatever, I'm not a really aggressive person in real life and I do nice things for people mostly, and I'm an all around decent guy irl. kind of glad I don't have faith because then I'd really be a lot angrier because a lot of this is intensely unfair. I don't mean on a WHY ME level, but like, testicular cancer that doesn't appear in the testicles but in the lungs, how fair is that!

idk I've been honestly wondering what I should do if this does end up as a worst case scenario and I'm not sure really! not asking for advice or anything, but what a surreal situation.

also yeah I'm a little high on painkillers at the moment whoo.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying a bit. This has nothing to do with your e-persona at all. I'm not talking about LET'S FEEL GOOD or BEING A NICE GUY. I'm talking about really sitting down, reviewing yourself, and seeing how you can improve yourself even a little. Volunteer somewhere. Make good with the people you wronged (you said you did this), spend more time with your family, do something for your fellow man. Improve your character flaws (because I'm sure you, just like everyone else has a lot of them), just...be a better person. It's not like you are going to die, if you make it out of this, at least you'll walk away being a stronger, worthwhile person. Spend less time being sad/feeling sorry for yourself (even though you deserve to just let it out and cry) and improving yourself and making things worthwhile.

I don't know some people may dismiss this as "MOG'S TALKING STUPID AGAIN", but I'm a big believer in everyone having a purpose and everyone can always improve themselves and those around him, so...

eh, that's the thing. I don't feel depressed or anything. I'm dealing with this fine.

if I end up DYING FOR SURE or whatever it might be an idea but right now I'm very girlbones about the whole thing.

ha, well, that's good. :] yeah, just know that there's lots of people who care about you and will support you, and we don't mind if you complain or rant about all your little pains and procedures. as you've seen already, some of us may even know how to help. but yeah, keep chillin' as much as you can; attitude affects more than you'd think.

also i think im going to start using "girlbones" as an adjective in everday conversation.

EDIT: ugh mog you're not helping or convincing anyone, just stop.

this maybe a weird or inappropriate question and if it is, i apologize, but have you begun to doubt atheism in any way since finding out? as in, what if i was wrong or anything? i know someone who basically converted christianity, and became very religious during the chemo. i dunno, i guess they felt better safe than sorry or something.

this maybe a weird or inappropriate question and if it is, i apologize, but have you begun to doubt atheism in any way since finding out? as in, what if i was wrong or anything? i know someone who basically converted christianity, and became very religious during the chemo. i dunno, i guess they felt better safe than sorry or something.

honestly this something i wonder. cos i have faced shit, and i haven't pondered yet.


- not my post