Hey, Steel? Just out of curiosity, which bothers you more: the fact that this happened and you don't know why, or the possibilities implied by its occurence? I mean, are you worried about what it means if you can't find a logical explanation for it? It seems strange this would have so profound an effect on you.
i assume you mean the spiritual thing and not cancer.
what bothers me more is i haven't been able to figure out why it happened. the possibilities do bother me; i have severe issues with any god for what they've done, and even if i went full blown religious and was right and present before his throne, i don't think i could stop those questions. there's too much hurt in this world to justify any of this shit, and i would need those answers. but i also think while i'm not close minded to the possibilities, they also have oddly enough not been important. as i said, to justify the feeling i asked questions. none were answered; the feeling didn't retreat and/or rise to the bait. what happened was spiritual, not religious, and spiritual in such a way i can still make jokes about NO GOD and not lose it.
so in the end i'm left with a more scientific wondering but i will not deny an almost delirious sense of joy of having that despair lifted. i was told the other day to consider anti-depressants and before? i would have. someone as anti-pill as me would have because that level of despair makes suicide look like fun. but now it's gone, and i'm not going to claim there aren't moments of sadness but they are just that, moments and SADNESS, not despair.
the possibility of there being more out there has never been one i've closed off, because i think all real atheists are skeptics and if presented with evidence would judge it (what's going on with me pretty much) but so far those possibilities would need to express themselves as strongly as this feeling of inner peace has; it would need to overwhelm me. I would honestly have to have a religious experience before entertaining religion, if that makes sense, and I mean a vision of Christ himself. i, like many of my friends, am too disgusted by the concept of a real God to open my mind to him or her deliberately and talk about a stupid happy mormon future when children, CHILDREN, die for no fucking reason. but i cannot deny a bizarre inner peace came from a prayer that should not have worked and i have to wonder at that.
i do also like how everyone who has slightly been needling me to religion have ignored the fact that the prayer was a completely hindu prayer. I did not invoke Buddha, Christ, Moroni, or even the concept of inner peace. whoops!
it was this one, for those of you curious:
http://wahiduddin.net/mantra/gayatri.htmI said the Sanskrit version, it being the only version I know. I also DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, by the way. like I can give you the gist but it's as meaningless as when you make a child say et nomini paitris et fili espiritu santi and don't tell them the translation.
here's an interpretation for those of you who REALLY want to go out there, and I'm sure this might anger a few people but here goes. the ultimate goal of many eastern faiths is less YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BULLSHIT FUTURE WITH GOD and more the acceptance of nothingness. if we were to go gnostic and into the idea of language as a real tool for triggering mental change, is it possible that an ancient Sanskrit prayer, combined with a mind reeling in despair, could actually unlock something with a single restating?
I would buy this but this happens with MANTRAS, which this is but mantras are repeated. that's how they work. no one says OMMMMM and suddenly goes HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS THAT. they say OOOOOOOOM for hours and hours and years and lifetimes and never achieve enlightenment. there's also the fact I didn't achieve much. I just feel...peaceful when I shouldn't.
but this is still an interpretation and the purely scientific ones aren't satisfying me so!
