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Topic: 3 year relationship done (Read 5978 times)

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Farren

#21 March 24, 2012, 03:55:22 am

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Oh god I read over that post and it just seemed like a huge cheese-ball.

I mean every word though. Its the truth. Men in my family on my dad's side, are largly pretty bad about being taken advantage of by women and run by women. Seeing that through my childhood with my dad constantly trying to make a relationship work with a woman (my mom) that had too much anger and immaturity and was very abusive on him and my siblings really fucked me up. Anxiety, depression, anti-socialism, no feelings all that good shit.

So I spent a good 20 years of my life trying at all costs to not have that happen to me. I used to ask my pops and family why he acted like that and why he let her do that shit to him. I always got the same answer: love.

So I thought "love" was just a horseshit excuse for him not wanting to start over and being forced to abstain from sex. Which after falling in love myself I found out to be totally innaccurate.

I never thought I'd marry or have kids with the girl I was in love with, I did think I'd get to love her though. I never got that, all I got that pure happiness and content thrown in my fucking face before I knew what was goin on.

hard shit to deal with and its a concept that not everyone can understand until they get there, like many other things.

DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

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dada

#22 March 24, 2012, 03:59:41 am

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Quote from: Farren on March 23, 2012, 11:18:44 pm

Kinda like watering a plant dude. Same concept, you don't water that shit it dies.

Relationships are about giving and taking. You can't just keep watering a relationship like it's a plant and expect it to grow. These things are far more complicated than that. You can't make it work solely by giving it the right level of attention.

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Farren

#23 March 24, 2012, 07:49:49 am

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yeah you're right.

But in my opinion and experience (and I know this is a generalization) MOST women need more of the affection, intent listening, and enthusiasm to make a relationship work on a level that most men do not.

Quote

"he's not putting enough into this relationship" (??) and, "I don't see us having a future together"

Thats what I think that means. Long distance relationship + she say dude not putting in enough = She didn't understand how to communicate and you didn't understand what was missing till too late (if I'm right).

I am not saying that all dudes are gritty, insensitive, hardasses and all women are delicate flowers. I'm saying as a man you have to realize that your gf (being a woman and going off of what you wrote) needs more of that stuff and needs to feel like you aren't getting too complacent and not giving a shit anymore.

Fuck, my ex gf dumped me when I was at work a day before I came home because she thought the same shit. I don't like talking on the phone and I told her that. I still called her every day after work but after awhile there isn't really shit to talk about. So conversations got shorter and shorter. I tried to talk more about what SHE was doing but she was in a bad place and would either just complain and complain or turn the conversation back around on me. I didn't have shit to talk about....

eventually I just kind of stopped calling everyday to every other day and whelp... another dude took my place while I was workin.

Point I was tryin to make is, girl felt like she needed nurturing (I'm assuming) and didn't get what she wanted. You were content (I see no complaints so I'm assuming) you being content means she met that end of the relationship for you. Your needs were being met and you were all good, so you assumed she was too. She fucked up not telling you what she wanted, but alot of women just WILL NOT do that.

You have to read between the lines and figure that shit out on your own. Either that or go find a girl thats very vocal with that stuff. Thats what I liked about the last girl I was with she'd pretty much tell me shit like that plainly and I liked that about her but she wasn't in love with me either so I dunno how she would've acted if she was.

DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

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Barack Obama

#24 March 24, 2012, 09:11:23 am

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srry to hear about ur breakup. ive bn having relationship probs too but maybe itll work out, idk we decided to give it a year. youll be ok, yr young and there are a lot of very pretty young women everywhere so u will be fine

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Faust

#25 March 24, 2012, 09:52:35 am

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I think a few people here are being pretty flippant about this guy's three year relationship.

There's a way of putting things that isn't about being a hardass or pretending like TOUGH LOVE is the only way. This wasn't a teenage or casual relationship for this guy - it was a THREE YEAR attachment that he obviously thought would go the longhaul.

I don't feel it's right or fair to be talking to him in the way that people in this thread have been. It's actually really upset and surprised me. Whatever happened to support and just being nice about the whole thing?

Farren has the right style. I have to say dude, you've really impressed me with your posts in this thread.

ON TO MALAD:

Dude, that really sucks. It's never nice to be rejected, especially by someone who you care deeply for. And sometimes their reasons don't feel fair. What you need to do is pick yourself up and understand that your life will definitely go on.

Earlchip is right about "pestering" her - it'll definitely be seen as that from her angle, even though it's totally unreasonable of her just to assume you wouldn't contact ever again. People aren't robots - they have feelings and emotional responses for sure. However, I do believe that you should probably draw a line under it. As hard as that is, it's a long distance thing - it isn't like you can be around a lot more to remind her of what she saw in you. It'll just be painful for you due to the logistics involved to try.

There's a certain way of ending a relationship and she obviously gave that the two thumbs up. Maybe she's immature or has some emotional problems - I don't know her, so I don't know. But the way she's ended it with you and her lack of impetus to entertain the idea of working it out tells me that she's probably not someone you want to be with anyway in the long term. You'll find someone better for you for sure, then she'll just be a memory.

So get drunk, cry for a while, write some poetry, talk shit about her when you're with your friends, do anything to make yourself feel better man. It'll pass and after a short while you won't even remember why you were so fucked up about this.

My view: long term relationships don't work, unless of course you've been together for a LONG time before you attempt to try.

However, DeathJester formed a long term relationship and ended up in a marriage, so I guess they can do sometimes. I assume that's the minority of them however.

Good luck dude. Just know that there are people out there who are empathising with you for sure. I hope it all works out for you.

Hey hey hey

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Malad

#26 March 24, 2012, 12:48:27 pm

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Thanks for all of the input. Thanks for all the kind words faust/farren...

I did get too comfortable with the relationship. I saw it as a good thing because I had absolute trust in her and I let her do whatever she wanted. I didn't constantly check up on her or ask how everything was all of the time, and some days I would only talk to her infrequently (we are students about to graduate and have a huge workload).

I'm not playing the blame game, but she does have some emotional problems. Not really problems but more like unhealthy behaviors. She over-analyzes things. Sometimes I like that about her because she is very intelligent, but it can make a big dent in our relationship because she tries to figure out what I'm thinking or where we're going without my input. Also she is studying abroad next semester. Now, I'm not worried about her falling in love with some suave European man (EuroSalts back off), and she knows very well that I wouldn't try to prevent her from having a good time overseas, but she gets scared about the future quite frequently and makes impulse decisions.

My biggest issue right now is my willingness to salvage the whole deal. I would make totally one-sided compromises to keep it alive and I know that's wrong. But I really do feel like it'd be worth it in the long run.

Something like this happened before a couple of years back where she broke it off with me because she found out we were going to different schools. She got terrified and did the same thing. I was a little less shocked then because it was something we had at least talked a little about. She ended up coming back and I told her she needed to go to school and see what it was like to be on her own. I wanted to make sure she was making the right decision. So she left and it was really hard for me but we eventually got back together.

I don't think I'd have the balls to deny her if she came back this time because my feelings for her have evolved waaaaaaaay beyond what they were back then.

what's updog?

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Farren

#27 March 24, 2012, 01:00:16 pm

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Quote

I did get too comfortable with the relationship. I saw it as a good thing because I had absolute trust in her and I let her do whatever she wanted. I didn't constantly check up on her or ask how everything was all of the time, and some days I would only talk to her infrequently (we are students about to graduate and have a huge workload).

I did the exact same shit dude. You're right to be liberal and trusting but you've got to act like you want to know whats going on with her (up to a point) and get into her a little more. Like, a broken nail or bad day hits you just as hard as her (up to a point).

IMO then this is the point at which you need to seriously sit down and reflect your relationship with her. What she told you, and what she didn't, her willingness to communicate with you now, and if her actions up to this point tell you if theres still somethin there or not. You're gonna have to really really reflect on it from as neutral a viewpoint as you possibly can and then if you think she's worth it and she'll come back to you then I'd def go fight for her.

I did that, but I let my emotions get the best to me and I ended up punching air cus chick didn't give a shit. Don't do that. Don't give her that if she doesn't want it or she's not worth it.

Quote

srry to hear about ur breakup. ive bn having relationship probs too but maybe itll work out, idk we decided to give it a year. youll be ok, yr young and there are a lot of very pretty young women everywhere so u will be fine

Wait, is this dietcoke or ryan? I thought DC was married? But if its ryan I know you went through that acid trip breakup shit and I couldn't imagine much worse than that.

DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

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Farren

#28 March 24, 2012, 01:16:48 pm

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Quote

She over-analyzes things. Sometimes I like that about her because she is very intelligent, but it can make a big dent in our relationship because she tries to figure out what I'm thinking or where we're going without my input.

holy shit this is my ex-gf

she did the same thing. Once she told me a guy she knew was trying to work offshore and had a gf and she was asking some shit along the lines of: if I knew if a relationship could work offshore or what kinds of problems couples have. I told her the truth. That most people can't handle it. And it takes more effort from the person ashore because theres more they have to refrain from. But a good relationship can work its just different and a little harder. It was shortly after (a week or two maybe) that she left me. I didn't realize till after the fact that she was actually asking me if I thought OUR relationship could work. Which wasn't fair. Because I'd have told her I'm not like most men. When I'm there I'm there and when I'm gone I'm still there. And I'd fuck a razor-blade any day before I cheat on the girl I'm with.

DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

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Vellfire

#29 March 24, 2012, 02:39:05 pm

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Quote from: Farren on March 24, 2012, 07:49:49 am

But in my opinion and experience (and I know this is a generalization) MOST women need more of the affection, intent listening, and enthusiasm to make a relationship work on a level that most men do not.

Just because you acknowledge this is a generalization doesn't mean you should still make this generalization. Don't do this "men are like THIS but women are like THIS" nonsense, it's useless at best and damaging at worst to generalize people's behaviors in a relationship (or really in MOST CASES) by gender.

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tuxedo marx

#30 March 24, 2012, 02:50:41 pm

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yeah i don't really get why you would identify a reductive generalisation and then plough ahead with it regardless

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crone_lover720

#31 March 24, 2012, 03:12:50 pm

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I really disagree with most of what Farren has said. it's good that it's empathetic and seen from malad's POV, but I think it's wrong to propose that just talking to her more would have solved everything, or if the relationship had been manipulated in some specific way it would have worked (approaching OCD thinking). things aren't that simple, and theres no way to tell if that would have worked, or would have just delayed the inevitable or kept her from making up her mind. like I said earlier, it sounds like there was nothing to fix, she just realized she didn't want to be with him anymore

I also understand why she ended it the way she did, tho it's immature and obviously not ideal. relationships don't really NEED to be "worked out", especially at this age. it's different if there's something like children involved, but at this age that's just sentimentality, and it's far more destructive than good. if she had done it in person, more emotions are in play and there's a chance they'd fall back into a relationship just because parting seems too hard. my posts are the only ones that are right, everyone elses is cuts in the toilet. I'll fight you.

Quote from: Farren on March 24, 2012, 01:00:16 pm

Wait, is this dietcoke or ryan?

DC. I think ryan is still banned back from when drule banned him for making a scene about the lack of progress on the site

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Vellfire

#32 March 24, 2012, 03:19:17 pm

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I want to clarify that the reason my tone was so harsh at the beginning is because his post was FULL of red flags. I'm sure it was just because he was in the heat of Emotions but it's REALLY unsettling that his first reaction was "go visit her and possibly not even give her a warning at all". That and the fact that he is desperate to try to fix it when she has decided it is over makes it sound very much like his needs and wants trump hers. Again, he might have just been worked up because it had JUST HAPPENED, but that sort of attitude is something that needs to be stamped out immediately and isn't something you preface with warm feelings towards Malad. Malad, I really am sorry that you're going through this, but your initial reaction was very worrying, and this is why my responses might have been harsh. Even now you're talking about how you still want to make it work (despite her going overseas and the fact that you understand that sacrificing tons of things on your end is not the right thing to do). I might have skimmed over this, but have you actually talked to her yet? Do you even know if she wants to get back together with you? All I'm seeing is what YOU want, but a relationship can't be based on just your feelings. Trying to make a bunch of one sided changes to try to win her back is not going to do anything if she doesn't want to date you anymore, and second guessing her decision by saying she's changed her mind before really takes away a lot of her agency as a person. If she does want to get back together with you then that's fine, but so far all I see is how much YOU want the relationship back and nothing about her. That's no relationship.

Hopefully this is all just an outpour of feelings as you cope with the breakup, but I want you to understand that some of the things you've said are really bad lines of thought. I hope this turns out well for you, but you need to take some time to just LET THINGS BE instead of trying to frantically pull things back together as quickly as possible if you want any long term happiness (whether by yourself or with her).

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Mince Wobley

#33 March 24, 2012, 03:25:12 pm

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Yes vellfire I'm sure he was going to rape her before you intervened

Play Raimond Ex (if you haven't already)

I'll not TAKE ANYTHING you write like this seriously because it looks dumb

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crone_lover720

#34 March 24, 2012, 03:36:48 pm

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stop it mince. that's not what she said. I don't get why it was so worrying to her but that's not what she was implying

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Mince Wobley

#35 March 24, 2012, 03:44:24 pm

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No earl, that was exactly what she was implying. That's what armchair feminists do. This is a true generalization.

Play Raimond Ex (if you haven't already)

I'll not TAKE ANYTHING you write like this seriously because it looks dumb

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Warped655

#36 March 24, 2012, 03:45:19 pm

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God Mince shut the fuck up. I'm usually better at ignoring you but jesus fuck you need to stop.

I wish I could contribute to the discussion at hand a bit more. I've never been in a long term relationship. In fact I've only been in 2 relationships and they were extremely short lived. Namely because in both cases we had no money of method of actually going out and doing stuff. So I never got into the emotionally heavy part of a relationship. I would say that this topic has been somewhat interesting and illuminating.

In any case, I hope that this shit works out for you in the end Malad.

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Vellfire

#37 March 24, 2012, 03:53:30 pm

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Yep, clearly I'm saying he's trying to rape her instead of saying that he's only focusing on his own feelings about it which is never a good basis for a relationship. Thanks Inri for making it clear for everyone, you're so insightful.

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Mince Wobley

#38 March 24, 2012, 03:55:57 pm

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No, you people shut up. Velfarre's walls of texts weren't anything except the obvious ("malad she doesn't like you, don't bother" except in 800 lines) and as a bonus she was taking offense at him illogically acting on feelings instead of pointing it out (which I did). Because only women are supposed to have all those marvelous and complex emotions, right?

Malad she probably wasn't even worth the effort in first place, get this in your head. Unless you're a social fuck up too.

Fuck feelings.

Play Raimond Ex (if you haven't already)

I'll not TAKE ANYTHING you write like this seriously because it looks dumb

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Vellfire

#39 March 24, 2012, 03:58:01 pm

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lol just fuck off inri

e: i wasn't taking offense btw malad hope this helps

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tuxedo marx

#40 March 24, 2012, 04:00:16 pm

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i didn't consider that inri might be the only sane person and everyone else is crazy

oh wait maybe that was because lmao

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