all I really got to see were some parts of San Juan, the roads were shit and NO ONE COULD FUCKING DRIVE WORTH A DAMN but it seems like a beautiful place.

I also know alot of PRs from that area and they're all like REALLY proud of that tiny island even though it doesn't seem worth it to me. Like, some of us used to talk about several things like PR not being a state after the US basically begging them in, its fucked up they don't pay federal taxes, and their dock security is the shittiest and whatnot.

They would get defensive as hell and it was hilarious.

Actually I think there was a guy on my ship that lived in Mayaguez and would drive there every so often.

if you ever get on the land, check out El Yunque. it was one of the greatest experiences of my life when I was a kid. really the entire NATURAL ASPECT of the island is what's cool, if I remember right the city is like a pre-Miami shithole, but fuck MORE DEATH TALK I've said it before and I'll say it again, this one night in Puerto Rico I saw my dad out in the backyard next to a banana tree and the coquis were chirping and the moon had lit all the dew on the grass and seriously if I was going to die in one moment I would have picked that one.

so yeah GO INTO THE FUCKING RAINFOREST HEH

you know what...

Ironically, thats was my ship's name.

And if I ever end up back there I'll take you up on it.


Edit: Also, I got to try some of those native bananas fried (I'm guessing thats the kind of tree you had) and those things were fucking great.

I've been gone for about a month, and this afternoon I finally got my internet all set up. I've been away from irc for a while, so I was in a pretty good mood when I finally got my internet connection working here. Of course pretty much as soon as I go on irc, teloch tells me "Steel has cancer" and it totally killed everything I was feeling.

I just spend the past hour and a half reading through all sixteen pages of this topic. In a way it felt a lot like reading a really good book. I don't know if that's insulting or anything (isn't meant to be), but it's been an interesting experience. This is a damn good topic.

I don't know if you have any opinion of me at all really or if this means anything to you, but you have totally shaped who I am on the internet and as a person offline too. Not directly, no -- we've never really talked or anything, but the way your mannerisms and style have really shaped GW as a whole, it's shaped friends of mine and it's trickled down to me, and even now it's going from me to other people in other communities too. Your personality and unique style, especially your attitude and way of just telling it like it is and that kind of shit, has had a serious influence on a lot of people and you might not even be aware of this.

I don't agree with everything you say, but whenever I read one of your big arguments I always find myself somehow entirely on your side after a few posts here and there, even if originally I disagreed with you entirely. Example: the nurse debate earlier in this thread.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't have much experience with cancer or losing family members or anything really. I haven't seen much loss or anything in my life, so it's hard to relate with a lot of what's going on here. But things seem like they're going pretty smoothly for you (other than the needle thing) and the more I read of this topic the more I'm confident that you'll get through this just fine.

The head-shaving stuff reminds me of twin brothers that I went to high school with. I didn't know them well, but I knew who they were. There was a rumor going around that one of them had gotten cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy. He was out of school for a while and I guess his brother confirmed the rumors. Then one day he came back, and the two of them were bald. His twin brother had shaved his head to show his support for him. I'd never spoken to these kids and didn't have any classes or anything with them, but I saw them in the halls a few times and it just seemed really... I don't know, but it was nice. And I'm not a sentimental person by any means.

If GW does have a "shave your head" topic I'll go along with it. I've actually wanted to shave my head for a while and it'd be a nice excuse.

I guess that's plenty for now. I haven't made a post with nice grammar and everything in a long time. Good luck with it all, but I doubt that you'll need it.

so update this morning: PRETTY FUCKED UP. my throat swelling woke me up at five and it's really hard to breathe (especially on my back). I've also got this constant annoying pain in my knees, no matter what I do about it. I emailed my doc buttttt I think we might be taking another trip to the emergency room if this doesn't let up.

this is awful. why can't dying be a nicer process!

Hey faggot don't say that you are dying or I will come over there and kick your ass ok!

uh well until I start chemo technically I am and this is what it feels like!

it could be worse but man this knee pain is getting a little nuts, what do I do? I don't think my cancer doc is in on weekends but this isn't worrying enough for the emergency room.

I will call one of my mom's friend's I think. I hope the two aren't related (YOU VEINS WILL ALL SMASHR).

oh thank god because I gotta tell you that shit puts a lump in my throat.

no one do anything like this you'll make me get all weepy and e-motional...

my hair is already short but I dedicate it to you bud 

docs ont he phone now. one of my mom's friends dropped off a knee compression thing whihc seems to help and i took a hydrocodone for the pain.

fuck this is a miserable state of affairs!

edit: yeah doc's out of town. I'm getting another knee compression thing for the other leg which really is doing some wonders.

man this is weird, why does it hurt more when I'm STILL?

edit: knee thing works really well, but that was pretty bad stress there for a while. the throat's still swollen. I might do one of those youtube things tonight.

I'll look forward to it. Not in a weird way, but you know.

I know i posted earlier and that you're getting loads of support anyway, but just to say that i'm reading every update you post and very much rooting for you still.

we lived in Mayaguez, pretty close to San Juan. I enjoyed it a lot when I was there but it could have gone to shit, I haven't lived there in years!

I also lived in Mayaguez for a few years so that shit is crazy. Where did you live exactly because my dad taught at RUM and I know the general area pretty well including the Arecibo/San Juan area.

Also, my uncle who lived in Arecibo died a few years back because he had a cancerous tumor in the back of his ear. It sucked, he was in chemo all the time and was always looking pale and weak. I know it's not the best thing to say but his death never really hit me till now. He's gone forever and there are others getting affected by this and living with it. I really hope everything goes well for you. This is pretty shocking because I would've never pictured any e-people getting cancer or anything like that; it's weird. I wish you the best of luck and I you'll probably pull through. Good luck dude.

we talked about you living in puerto rico before dude, we went to SESO POSSIBLY AT THE SAME TIME, how did you forget this.

my dad also taught at RUM, thermodynamics I think.

also what kind of cancer did he have? its uh...I just never heard of EAR CANCER.

edit update: because of my knee, neck, and back stuff, we're going to see the doc tomorrow morning.

so got back from the doctor. they think the swelling might be cancer related. I hope it's steroid related. we're going to wait a day and see if an increase in steroid reduces swelling; otherwise I'm going to the hospital in the morning to start chemo early.

fuck I don't want to do this. my INDOMITABLE SPIRIT gets broken down by IVs (the port was scheduled for Thursday) and I don't know.

I can't even post about this he;lp.

You are in my thoughts, dude. Keep your head up.

I took some anxiety medication just now. let's hope the steroids reduce the swelling today though. I just am not up to starting chemo yet and then I have the fear that if this isn't steroid related that means its CANCER related and how fast is this cocksucker growing that it would do this so quickly.

who am I kidding it's almost certainly cancer related.

who am I kidding it's almost certainly cancer related.

Dude you're probably just having physical symptoms because you're under so much stress.  Cancer grows fast I guess but I don't think it's like that. 

we talked about you living in puerto rico before dude, we went to SESO POSSIBLY AT THE SAME TIME, how did you forget this.

my dad also taught at RUM, thermodynamics I think.

also what kind of cancer did he have? its uh...I just never heard of EAR CANCER.

edit update: because of my knee, neck, and back stuff, we're going to see the doc tomorrow morning.

yea i remember us talking about it before i just dont remember the going to seso together for some reason. if so, that shit is fucked up. like crazy. now im gonna start searching for seso yearbooks. also i am not entirely sure what kind of cancer he had, i would have to double check with my mom.

i hope you start feeling better, dude. step up the anti-anxiety pills for a day or two to kind of mellow out if you feel like it.

fuck I don't want to do this. my INDOMITABLE SPIRIT gets broken down by IVs (the port was scheduled for Thursday) and I don't know.

boy, you better MAN THE FUCK UP! how you gonna let a little piece of metal scare you like that?