Poll: Who was better

Omcifer
16 57.1%
Doktormartini
12 42.9%

Status: Voting has ended

27 Total Votes

Poll EVERYONE VOTE NOW: Omcifer versus Doktormartini. Nutrition revolution 2008 (Read 2235 times)

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also

Quote
Also try flowing this:

"The warrior of Christ tries with all his might, he reveals the holy light
 but gets slammed into place like a guy with altophobia facing the height"

maybe i am just weird but i can make this flow just fine as a rap in my head, it's just a little different than i would normally read a rap

the only part that is really off for me is "ike a guy with altophobia facing the height", if this line was somehow shorter and then flowed into the next line i would have no problem reading this
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no it's pretty horrible. let's break it down. you've got three rhymes going on, and a sentence break in the first part.

so let's do this

The warrior of Christ tries with all his might
1,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 syllables
he reveals the holy light
1,3,4,6,7 syllables
 but gets slammed into place like a guy with altophobia facing the height
1,2,3,5,6,7,8,9,10,15,17,18,19

it becomes too awkward. when you have internal rhymes you don't let up on the beat. for example:

Huddlin' over the oven, we was like brothers then
Though you was nothin' other than a son of my mother's friend

in the first triple internal rhyme you've got three syllables separating each part of the internal rhyme. in the second one, nothin and mother and other all kind of rhyme which excuses the fact there's a division of five and four. also the two main lines are way under 18 to 19 syllables, topping out at about 15 syllables.

when you do internal rhymes they need to be separated by equal distances or flowed naturally. for example

Quote
A to the B centuries of defeat, enemies of the free
Who believe what they read and they say what they see
But they see with the same eyes of the enterprise tellin lies to me

in the last line only the ending rhymes with the "ee" set up before but because they have a set meter DUN dun dun DUN, DUN dun dun DUN, all the way though, it reads well. the path of emphasis in the warrior of christ line gets broken by the comma.

like I said rap it OUTLOUD to check if it works, your head will slow a beat down internally. you cant just cut the altophobia line and say AH IT WORKS, that line's the main offender.
Last Edit: October 20, 2008, 05:51:33 pm by Pidgeotto221
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also

Quote
"The warrior of Christ tries with all his might, he reveals the holy light
 but gets slammed into place like a guy with altophobia facing the height"

ignore flow, this is an awful line. it opens okay with the christ reference, and then suddenly cuts to HOLY LIGHT (if anything this is a compliment) and worst of all slammed into place like a guy facing a phobia? that has nothing to do with slamming into place. also "the height"? not "heights?" it would be better to change light to lights and use heights than add a singular tense to heights.

here's a line:

the warrior of christ, a dyslexic for dogs
gets slammed in place like he's playing pogs

pogs (the game) were slammed (a type of pog was actually the slammer). also dyslexic for dogs is mildly insulting and also has a nice little HEH I GET IT attached. its not a dynamite line but do you see the difference?
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All of this stuff is pretty terrible.  I'll just refrain from voting because it seems like both contestants missed the point.

EDIT: I don't feel like explaining exactly why they missed the point READ STEEL'S ESSAYS.

EDIT:

[9:12pm] Vale: personal attacks would be pretty unfair though wouldn't they?

QUOTE OF THE DAY!  (He didn't mean what you think it means but it's still funny.)
Last Edit: October 20, 2008, 07:15:06 pm by Dada
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B-b-b-bastard :(
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Voted for Omcifer because he pissed me off less than Doktormartini.  DO NOT USE THE WORD "NIGGA" WHEN YOU'RE WHITE.
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Wow, nice schoolin' there Steel. I was gonna crack my knuckles and get into that stuff but you summarised it pretty well! I don't Wiki stuff that people put in text battle rhymes (unless it's something that I know is good but I'm missing out on or something I SHOULD know about or whatev) so I didn't realise with the Vioxx thing, I guess it just sounded good and I trusted it and so on. I think the reason Dok put all that shit about Vitamin C in and so on is because that's what he 'knows' so it's the easiest way for him to knock out punchlines. Then again I don't really make video game punchlines or anything so that's not really an excuse.

If I'm gonna be really blunt I thought both were fairly awful but Om had more to work with so should have done more. Looks like he's going to win anyways though so work on tightening your lines and going for your opponent more directly and you'll probably end up doing well Om. Keep the syllables at a reasonable level and structure your lines so it's not like short/long/long/LOOONg/short etc
Last Edit: October 20, 2008, 10:37:27 pm by PTizzle
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BOOM VOTING IS NOW OVER AND IT APPEARS OMCIFER IS THE WINNER

Jewish conspricy theorists of the world mourn your loss
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also when i PM the next contestants  :fogetshifty: i may link what steel said to the next battle so some of you people who have almost no experience at all can gain some tips
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