As a worldly man, seer, I have slain dragons with my bare hands, killed men using only my beard, and squeezed rain out of clouds.



However, there is no greater pleasure in the world than smoking some fine shisha and believe me, I've done everything and been every.

This here is my divine guidance passed onto you so you too may enjoy life's greatest pleasure; smoking dried fruit, herbs, and molasses tobacco.

Hookah and You

Invented by God and passed onto Egyptians about a hundred years ago, the hookah (also known as shisha in the middle east which is what I call it because I'm an Arabian at heart) became popular in the western world thanks to hip college kids looking for a pleasant way to get high. 



Ma'assell, which is Arabic or something, is pure tobacco mixed with flavored molasses to produce a slow burn.  When placed in a hookah, the water filters the smoke producing a cool and pleasant sensation. 



Hookah's can be purchased in most smoke shops for a modest price of 50-200$ depending on the size and number of hoses.  Ma'assell is purchased in packages or plastic baggies and come in a variety of flavors.  I recommend avoiding the stronger flavors (like coffee and chocolate) as their flavor tends to linger.

The hookah design is simple.  Ma'assell goes in the bowl.  You put tin foil over the shisha and hot coals on the tin foil.  You fill the jar with water then inhale until the ma'assell burns.



Packing the bowl is a skill that comes with practice.  Take a thumb sized lump of ma'assell and slowly "sprinkle" it into the bowl.  Keep sprinkling until you reach the top of the bowl, lightly pack it with your thumb, then sprinkle some more.  Inhale deeply through the hose; if you trouble inhaling, you packed the bowl too tightly and won't be able to draw heat from the coals.  If you breath too easily, the bowl isn't packed well enough and the ma'assell will burn too fast.

The body of the hookah contains a tube which air and smoke is drawn through into the jar.  Fill the jar up with cold water (for a cooler, pleasurable smoke fill the jar with ice as well) until the tube is submerged 2" in the water.  With all the pieces assembled, wrap tin foil around the top of the bowl and poke multiple holes using a toothpick or fork. 



Take a shisha coal (make sure it is a shisha coal GRILLING COALS CONTAIN CHEMICALS AND WILL MAKE YOU SICK) and place it on a hot plate or over a torch lighter.  Light the coal until it is completely red on the concave side keeping in mind to burn it evenly (shisha coals are auto-starters and an uneven burn will produce an uneven smoke).

Inhale several times to burn the ma'assell.  You know you're smoking it right when you exhale a thick, opaque smoke.  Take three or four breaths between inhales unless you want to get light headed and fucked up.  Serve with a fine brandy or scotch (make sure you have an obnoxiously large snifter or you won't appear snobby enough).



Hmmm, scotch.

On a serious note, remember smoking your hookah is supposed to be a pleasurable experience.  Either meditate in peaceful contemplation, or invite your buddies over and talk about how horrendous your lives are when compared to mine.  While ma'assell and other shisha tobaccos don't contain the chemicals and shit found in cigarette tobacco, it's still harmful to your health.  Smoking a bowl of ma'assell is the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes. 


(this is your lung with cancer)

I hate that object because at the moment it's a fad here. One time I heard 16 year old kids talking about hookahs. I hate them.

Smoking a bowl of hookah is terrible for you, but people rarely smoke an entire bowl by themselves. Hookah is primarily a social activity, and a single well-packed bowl can last for HOURS. If you can smoke an entire bowl, holy shit, hats off to you and your patience.

Also, small semantic correction: Shisha is what the tobacco mixture is called, not the hookah itself.

Also a good base liquid is 33/66 listerine and water, plus a whole bunch of ice.

One of the best things about hookah is that you can have an awesome experience with a relatively small financial investment. Even the top-dollar shisha on the market is about $20 for 250g, which lasts a loooong time. Lower quality shisha is still not bad at all, and it's more like $4-5 for 250g. The difference between a high-dollar hookah and just a mid-range one is almost purely aesthetic.

oh god menthol hookah because of the listerine would just be dreadful

heh the hookah bars around here are pretty terribly hipster and I mostly just like to drink tea and smoke cigarettes if I am in them anyway. the hookah smoking experience is nice but not something I do often

it's also a good idea to mix weed in with the shisha

420 evry day

Also a good base liquid is 33/66 listerine and water, plus a whole bunch of ice.

I'm going to have to try this.

I've been to some authentic bars run by Indians and you sit on these silk pillows while hot belly dancers put on a show.  It's expensive as fuck but good food + pleasurable experience beats the shit out of a titty bar any day.

There's a hookah bar I go to with my brother and friend every few weeks.  I haven't gone in a while though because the place is really shady.  They had to close the bar down for a month because they were refilling the liquor bottles. 

I think I'll get one soon, because it's so much cheaper in the long run.  Going to the bar with friends ends up costing about $50, but it's like $5 per time if you do it with your own equipment and shisha.

I have a neighbor who's from Egypt and one time he had hookah party out in the yard

but yeah pretty much every american assumes there's weed in there right - I'm surprised the police didn't come and arrest everyone

there were some other people at the party I didn't know and one of them was totally like a dude and he was like heheheheh is there uhhehehehehmarijuwanas lol

Man, crazy. I'm going to a hookah bar on Thursday and I've never done it before. I guess this topic will help me not look so much like an idiot.

chef

pro-tip: watch what the non-white people do

there are varying hookah etiquettes such as not ever directly handing the hose to someone yadda yadda and some places dont like people fucking with the coals because thats how the coals end up on the ground burning the floor 90% of the time. some people do incredibly stupid things at hookah bars lol

just keep your eyes and ears open I guess. Depending on what ethnicity the people that own the hookah bar are, those places can be really fascinating. if its egyptian dont order hookah, order tea, I am telling you now. but yeah it should be at the very least interesting I think... especially in DC lol

Oh yeah regarding coals: If you need to mess with the coals (as in when the outer layer turns to ash), don't tap it at all on the foil. Take it off with the tongs and tap the coal on the ashtray. This keeps ash out of the shisha.

Unless you're 15, don't keep doing tricks at the hookah bar. Blowing some rings is cool once or twice, but keep doing it and you look like a douche. Same goes for French Inhaling.

Also, don't go for Jhalak (sp?) hookah. Jhalak uses almost pure tobacco, and is absolutely terrible for you. And will get you fucked up out of your mind.

Sometimes the smoke can be kind of harsh, especially if it's dense. The way that I've found to keep from coughing is, as soon as you realize you're going to cough, take the hose away from your mouth and deeply inhale air till you reach lung capacity. This cools the smoke going into your lungs and about 90% of the time will stop the cough.

Unless you're 15, don't keep doing tricks at the hookah bar. Blowing some rings is cool once or twice, but keep doing it and you look like a douche. Same goes for French Inhaling.

unless you have the skill to blow a ring through a ring 8+ times out of 10. then you're kosher to do it all night long (kidding)

but yeah I would say the most enjoyable experiences I've had smoking hookah were all at someones house as opposed to at a hookah bar. the music that they play at those places is dreadful. its either like egyptian/turkish/general arab top40 shit, really really really god awful old persian music from the 50s and 60s or whatever garbage the scenesters who are working there want to listen to. and that can be a real buzzkill

I guess I will be the first person other than inri cheetos to say I don't like this stuff. first off it's become one of the new "im a yuppie college kid, lets see how i can piss off my parents" activity, and with a few exceptions all the people who do this are kind of the same (exceptions would include wash cycle who is the most persian guy.

how persian is he?

he's so persian...






he evolved from a meowth).

and then whenever I'm doing something completely passive like sitting around passing some shit around, my mind better be getting inebreiated or expanded for me to waste time on it. idk I'd recommend trying it out but it never struck me as much more than SMOKING...BUT COOL???

when an activity's most famous user is Jabba the Hutt I tend to be wary of it.

and then whenever I'm doing something completely passive like sitting around passing some shit around, my mind better be getting inebreiated or expanded for me to waste time on it. idk I'd recommend trying it out but it never struck me as much more than SMOKING...BUT COOL???

when an activity's most famous user is Jabba the Hutt I tend to be wary of it.

thats why many folks used smoke opium or hashish out of a hookah lol (long enough ago it was becuase there was no tobacco in the old world, but then even after that people were like pssh tobacco what a lame buzz)

also I dont really like the flavored tobacco much tbh. I think it is mostly marketed to women (I mean how else would you end up with flavors like jasmine and rose (however both of those I think are v. good surprisingly)) and it mostly just gives me a really sticky sweet flavor in the back of my throat that kind of makes me sick. However never ever ever ever put pipe tobacco in a hookah and have that be the only thing. this will be 100% guaranteed to knock you on your ass

I bought my brother a hookah and we usually smoke weed out of it but I actually like the tobacco I got some really light apple flavored stuff and the smoke is really clean and almost white.

I haven't smoked hookah in awhile but I prolly will soon or on thanksgiving (that would be awesome)