steel i don't think you are going to die.

Don't die bud

Fight the power!!


Also fuck just checked the date of the fist post. I can't believe you've been going through this thing for a year. You're a stubborn mother fucker.

fuck man. try to stay optimistic.

You're in my thoughts man - I'm praying you'll make it through this. The chemo regimen sounds as good of an option as any... I say take a chance and go for it. Maybe you are... the chosen one

uh

well now.

I didn't plan on mentioning this in general, but I GUESS I HAVE TO as it would be bullshit of me not too.

so whenever i have broken down and prayed about this, it's always been, shall we say, backhanded. namely I DONT LIKE OYU OR BELIEVE IN YOU BUT HERES THE DEAL YOU SAVE ME WE'LL TALK.

but yesterday my mom was praying and I just felt like fuck it, before when I prayed everyday my biggest concern was getting laid now I have HUGE NUT CANCER lets give this a shot.

so I genuinely prayed and I felt all the despair, REAL DESPAIR, go away. I don't know what did it. like placebo effect, but does that work when you KNOW its a placebo? like atheists shouldn't feel anything.

but it was gone. all the despair. all of it LEFT.

now I wouldn't bring up any of this if it was just this, leave it in AM blah blah except I just checked my email and got this:

I will do my level best for you. We need to meet and discuss this face to face. I don't think that you are terminal by any means and I believe salvage options are available but not necessarily the high dose therapy alone.

Send me your address. I will try to be there tomorrow at 6.00 PM

this is from an oncologist friend. and then!

I talked with Dr Bosl today. We don't understand your complete history, but he doesn't really know why Dr Einhorn didn't try to do any salvage therapy. You should definitely give him a call.

Doug

that's from that guy before!

OKAY YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT IS PRETTY SPOOKY THAT THE DAY AFTER I PRAY THIS SHIT HAPPENED.

so my head's kind of a spin. I'm going to talk to the guy tomorrow at six obviously, and Dr. Bosl but man.

what on earth.

THERE is other stuff. I spent I'm serious 24 hours all the time looking for stuff, finding nothing, despair just killing me, and then this.

so basically the atheist is now some kind of believer in something because this should not have happened and it did and who cares.

but holy shit. I mean I cried a little with joy getting two emails. and they're discussing two DIFFERENT options anyways. sure Bosl might say OH ITS CAUSE YOU FUCKED SORRY and the other guy might be running out the options but who gives a fuck dude I have a path now that isn't sitting at home waiting round to die.

Great news man :P
*cough* I guess it's time check out that whole Jehovah's stuff now, eh?

the funny thing is every cancer survivor would be like YEP THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 THING THAT HAPPENS ON CANCER YOU GO TO GOD but I seriously thought it was the last thing that happened but SOMETHING WEIRD TOOK AWAY ALL MY PAIN so I'm all fucked up.

but then it wont answer questions or talk back really so maybe it really is just a brain thing ~atheists unite but how does that work if you don't believe in the brain thing?

I'm all weirded out.

Have you ever wrote a diary for yourself? Like you know, just venting every thought you have in your head onto a piece of paper? Maybe you just needed to empty your head into nothingness? Now the mail stuff that happened after is a whole different story though.

Hardcore atheist speaking here though so heh.

Well now you've made it awkward because i want to wish you well and good luck but the god thing's a load of rubbish. However, if i point this out, as i just did, that makes me into someone trying to rob a cancer victim of hope.

Not a good thing to be.

Good luck!

I never told him to go fuck god you silly religious(?) person, just try to see it from a realistic point of view 

i'm not religious at all though! like the rest you can write up to surprisingly wonderful coincidence but what got rid of the FEELINGS? like if i ask an atheist to pray, it shouldn't do anything. it's never done it before!

was it just the level of despair i was at that even doing something for no reason other than MAYBE it worked?

like from a spiritual standpoint it's shaken me enough to reexamine praying obviously, but from a scientific standpoint it's bizarre. how can prayer you don't believe in WORK?

then we have the overarching questions. my mom's prayed every day and things didn't really get GREAT anytime. other people have done religious ceremonies for me. none of this affected anything in me moodwise, but the second i do it i feel great, despite every urge in my body and mind KNOWING, not thinking, there is no god.

but something did it anyways! I really don't know what this means.

I mean I mention the emails because lets face it I would mention it the other way around for sure as an anecdote ("I prayed and then I got a call all my family is dead fuck god") but we can also write those off as a great happy coincidence if we want, but the actual ALLEVIATION of despair.

like just now I noticed he said "you're not terminal" but he also didn't say WE'RE AIMING FOR CURE. I got sad...and then it left.

if I had noticed this yesterday I would have been distraught, but even thinking about it now, that it wasn't a typo he's aiming for remission I'm surprisingly okay with it. like I'm still thinking of cure. this didn't happen yesterday.

somehow the act of FALSE PRAYER worked and I find this bizarre and in the face of that cannot actively deny the existence of SOMETHING out there.

this is really not something I thought I'd think about ever during this.

let me restate I've prayed before, and felt absolutely nothing, so the most scientific explanation is that the brain opens pathways during true mortal despair that it doesn't during day to day life that allows even prayer you don't believe in to create an artificial sense of release within the person who however slightly gives in to it (after all, I did do it, however weak the reason).

but I don't know enough about neurochemistry to confirm this. I'm still going to do it as long as it works but I'm fascinated by how this happened.

let's also point out that no such thing as a miracle has happened! my tumor is probably still there etc. the emails as I said are just a really freaky coincidence most likely.

When you said you got an email after praying I thought whoa bruce almighty??? but that's really cool you have some direction now man

Also if religion shit is making you feel better and more optimistic then roll with it. unironic praying owns??