Preamble:

Greetings, fellow gamers. Papa Cid here, as always, to give you the no-nonsense, cut and dry truth on the state of videogames today. As my readers will know, I am not one to pander pathetically to publishers or detrimentally deviate my distinguished articles for developers. I provide an honest, unbiased account of each game I review based on it's individual merits and demerits, and then I measure those up against my structured grading system (the S.G.S.)


Review:

Game In Question: "Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden - Chapter 1 Of The Hoopz
                                   Barkley SaGa"
Developer: Tales Of Games Studios



I received my copy of "BSUAJ:G - C1OTHBS" in the post a mere few hours ago. And, since I make sure to complete every game I task myself to review three times - you heard me right - you would not be incorrect to derive from this that  "BSUAJ:G - C1OTHBS" is rather on the short side. However, I have always maintained that I am not one to discriminate on length. Long time reader will remember my Metal Gear Solid reviews - games which were so brief as to fall short of even my pleb brother's attention span - games which I awarded a respectable 6 and 7 out of 10 respectively on the S.G.S.
   So, in-keeping with my usual procedure of measuring the merits and demerits of a game individually - I will now proceed to the part of my review I know you are all here for - The Breakdown.


The Breakdown:

Graphics:
This game's graphics are, to say the least, lacking. Your hopes may be peaked as the loading box for the game boasts that it is powered by direct x10 - If that is the case, then prepare your hopes for a sharp fall. The game in actuality is comprised mainly of crude sprites and backgrounds which my research team tell me are based on textures prepared by amateur gamemakers - and by the way I see no effort to credit the victims of this plagiarism anywhere in the game which - if you recall - I have played through three times since this morning. I can think of absolutely no compliments to give the graphics of this eyesore, other than perhaps the blank loading screens which occasionally give my eyes a rest from all the ugliness.

Sound:
The sound is a mish-mash of stolen kitsch, original kitsch and some outright pathetic "synth-rock". One could make the argument that the at times laughable music fits the look of the game perfectly, but one would in that case be accommodating the view that this could ever be a good thing. Alas, as various points I was forced to turn the sound down (that is when it was not being drowned out by my laughter), and instead listening to something more pleasing to the ears like - oh I don't know - nails being dragged down a chalkboard? I jest.

Gameplay:
My, my, my - I do not think Papa Cid has ever come across a game so utterly undecided in what kind of game it wanted to be. It is a wonder it was even finished so apparent are the developers pathetic attention spans. One moment, you are engaged in some sort of dance-dance revolution escape sequence, the next you are fighting ghosts in a traditional RPG battle system? The incogruencies are apparent even within the individual set pieces. To add insult to grievous injury, the confusing gameplay is not even very interesting and one gets the impression the authors were simply trying to cram as many "features" into the game as possible to avoid being pin-holed.
  Although, there is one particular hidden minigame which was rather appeasing to my tastes. I do not know if the applebottom was a shout out to Papa Cid in particular, but nevertheless I feel a certain co-brotherhood with whatever developer concocted that fleeting moment of pleasure.

Narrative:
This game is not going to win any awards for narrative presentation. Despite egregious efforts to maintain a level of seriousness about the proceedings, the subject matter (basketball of all things) is simply to ridiculous to overcome. It is somewhat disconcerting, also, to have the destruction of New York city be a central plot element so close after 9/11, and it perhaps seems like the game is trying to garner some emotional response from that. A tad exploitative, perhaps? But I am not one to make uninformed judgements - this is mere speculation on my part.
   Also, and I know I am not going to win any awards for saying this but there was a certain tendency of the characters in this game to be of a particular...background. I won't name names, but it seems like the developers are discriminating somewhat in that other backgrounds are not represented at all on the side of good. There is ethnic diversity, yes, but only amongst the bums and antagonists you meet throughout the (brief) game. I am not sure that I like what the developers are implying. Also, the subject of basketball is somewhat alienating for this reviewer. It would seem that erstwhile their efforts to appeal to everyone in the gameplay aspects are obvious, their attempts to appeal to a wide range of demographics in the narrative were given less effort.

So then, having compiled a pro and con, balanced list of the games merits and demerits, it is time for the S.G.S. to come into employ:


Graphics: 2 / 10
Sound - - - 3 / 10
Gameplay - Utterly Ungradable (equivalent to less than 0)
Narrative: 1 / 10.

FINAL WORD:
 
   If you are one of the bizarre creatures in this world who like both basketball and terrible japanese-style RPGs, and you are of a particular background, there is a chance you may like this game. For the rest of us, there is plenty else to occupy our minds.